AIBU to feel hurt I’m excluded from partner’s friend group?

[Oldknowe]

So I had thought I got on ok with my partner's friends... I don't go out very often as I have the kids, but I am in their pub group chat.

I noticed it had been pretty quiet on the normally busy chat and mentioned it to my partner.

He said they had set up a new 'blokes only' chat, I wouldn't be able to join... oh well...

The thing is a month later I've found it's not; female partners of some of the others have been added, plus a newly single flirty woman.

(This woman has previously posted a picture of herself and my partner with a caption like "she thinks she's dreaming but knows when she wakes it will still be true that she's found love!" on Instagram.)

Ok so I'm pissed off, it feels awful to be excluded but what can I do.

But now a friend is getting married, there's going to be "an amazing evening reception, with 500 people attending" - all of the friend group are involved, my partner is helping with the set-up of part of it using equipment from our house.

I've just found out I'm not invited.

I feel really bad inside. Desperately low.
What is wrong with me?

I really doubt the groom is friends with all the spouses and partners in a 500+ attendees wedding.

He likely has DH pigeon holed as ‘help’ and doesn’t see him worthy of having a guest.

OP you seem to be passively accepting everything, and appear unconcerned about the Insta post. Really a wedding invitation is the least of your worries.

He's in a relationship with this other woman and hasn't had the balls or the integrity to tell you.
Not an affair, a relationship

I'm so sorry, you need to stop sitting passively letting him do this and kick him out. Get your act together and any money you can squirrel away.

Why do you ‘await the formal invites’? I know other friend should be like hang on George is <wifes name> not invited to your wedding? But you want me to do you a favour and help out? Jog on.

and your partner should be ‘George we are all gobsmacked <wifes name> isn’t invited to your wedding. Who the fuck leaves a good friends wife of many years off their wedding invites? Nobody. If I’m not a good friend i won’t have to do you a massive favor for your wedding, I’m sure you can find some equipment /a photographer. But let me know if you can’t and want my rate card.

What is wrong with me?

Naught wrong with you love.

It's the boyfriend who's the wrong un.

As I skim-read and saw the one about him and her carrying on behind your back I'd be dumping him.
You not being invited to the wedding seals the deal.

You deserve so much better! Don't doubt yourself.

Does your DP know you have seen the Instagram post? What did he say? I would hit the roof and if there is nothing going on, I would assume he would too?

This with bells on, there’s no way my husband would let me be disrespected like this and would not be helping out or going. It’s beyond rude!

Am I correct to thinking that you have an invitation to the new group now, but you haven’t yet accepted?
Would it now be a good move to now accept said invite to chat group?

How old are you? How old are the kids?

Well on is a teen so op has to be in her 30s minimum

Cheeky fuckers using you DH to save themselves a fortune but won't allow him to bring his partner as a thank you

Not necessarily.

Unless she had a baby before she was 18 it's quite likely though

My husband would be telling them to stick this and their invite up their arses if I wasn’t invited, the cheeky bastards.

It’s really for him to stand his ground and show up for you here.

”Obviously I’m not going to attend without my long/term partner/wife who isn’t just a plus one and I find it really hurtful you’d even think to exclude her when I’m doing you a huge favour by lending you equipment. Let me know if you still want to use the equipment and I’ll send over my day rate”.

He’s a cheap contractor… they’re using him. If it were a genuine invitation, you’d have been invited

I think you need a serious conversation with your husband and to make it clear that this situation has the potential to damage your relationship long term.

You both need to understand each other's perspectives so that, if he isn't having/planning an affair with this woman, then you are both present a united front.

Don't be fobbed off by words that offer reassurance but have no substance.

I am amazed at a couple who apparently know 500 single people with no significant plus ones to invite to their wedding reception. 🙄 Are they setting up a marriage bureau and planning to match people up at the reception?

Is your partner invited as a DJ @Oldknowe or are they just borrowing his lights and sounds system and getting someone else to do the DJ stuff for free.

Maybe if you casually drop into the conversation that you are a professional caterer, or florist, or hairdresser/ make up artist or have your own marquee hire company they will realise that there IS an invitation with your name on after all.

Yeah. I assumed 35 upwards. Just wondered why someone 10 years younger single flirty woman would suddenly be part of a group of mates. And the age gap between 35 and 25 seems larger than that between 50 and 40, so I curious.

I was also wondering if the kids were old enough to be left alone so that she could keep her eye on her husband and the other woman instead.

Sometimes people are more willing to answer simpler questions though, especially if they want to know why you asked!

Your partner's friends have switched to a new chat. You're excluded, but not the new woman and other partners.

Your partner is loaning light and sound equipment and setup to a friend, saving them ££££ for a wedding of 500 but you and your son are specifically excluded and your partner, who is saving them ££££s, has not insisted that you also should be invited. He could make the equipment loan contingent on your presence. New woman is invited. She's fairly new to the friends group. But she ranks an invite where the guy who is saving them a ton of money can't get an invite for his partner. Oh, come on now.

New woman made an Instagram post with her and your partner saying she's found love. That's creepy as fuck if they're not seeing each other.

He could be being used by the friends for the equipment and setup. Or, he could be having an affair with new woman that the friends group is covering for and enabling.

This is shadier than the Bermuda Triangle.

I would be having a serious discussion about this with my DP. I personally think he's having an affair with the woman and his friends know. If however you trust him then he should be politely declining on the basis that you're a couple and saying that unfortunately he won't be able to provide his equipment

My b-in-law said my partner of over 20 and spouse for at least 10 years at the time could attend his wedding but that I wasn't invited as they wanted to keep the numbers down! The other siblings were not married.

We all got on very well so I was gobsmacked. I can understand no plus ones for a short-term relationship but a married or long-term couple is downright rude.

I thought she was part of their friendship group. That's how it seemed in the OP. And while I agree it would be churlish to refuse to help a friend, it seems really nasty to have their help but not to invite their partner who is in the friendship group.

Do you actually get whole groups of friends complicit with this sort of thing? I know you get it in tv dramas etc, but I don’t think I’ve ever come across it in real life ( and I’m quite old! )

Yes. Read any thread where the OP's friend/friend's DP/DH is cheating and the advice will mainly be to not get involved.

@Oldknowe

You say you don't go out with them much and don't really drink. Not saying you are, but it could be that they don't want to include you because they think you are 'disapproving' of them or think you're a wet blanket/killjoy? This would be something they likely wouldn't say to your DP but would explain things.

As far as the wedding, by asking about it DP has indicated to them that he wants you there. All you can do is wait to see what the invitation shows. But I suggest you discuss it w/your partner now to see what his feelings are if you are not invited, especially if other partners/spouses are.