AIBU to feel hurt I’m excluded from partner’s friend group?

[Oldknowe]

So I had thought I got on ok with my partner's friends... I don't go out very often as I have the kids, but I am in their pub group chat.

I noticed it had been pretty quiet on the normally busy chat and mentioned it to my partner.

He said they had set up a new 'blokes only' chat, I wouldn't be able to join... oh well...

The thing is a month later I've found it's not; female partners of some of the others have been added, plus a newly single flirty woman.

(This woman has previously posted a picture of herself and my partner with a caption like "she thinks she's dreaming but knows when she wakes it will still be true that she's found love!" on Instagram.)

Ok so I'm pissed off, it feels awful to be excluded but what can I do.

But now a friend is getting married, there's going to be "an amazing evening reception, with 500 people attending" - all of the friend group are involved, my partner is helping with the set-up of part of it using equipment from our house.

I've just found out I'm not invited.

I feel really bad inside. Desperately low.
What is wrong with me?

Hes cheating. Read the room. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news

I would respond to the Instagram post now using the words a PP suggested ("You do know he's married, right?", or words to that effect) and see what the response is from her/husband/friends.
It doesn't matter if it's an older post. Revive it!

He will probably be 'invited' to arrive at 7pm and set up his equipment in the ballroom while the others are having dinner.

You wrote women's rights t-shirt like you wore something about taking down the patriarchy. But you didn't, you wore a t-shirt targeting the trans community. It's therefore not surprising that your husbands friends have chosen to distance themselves and you aren't invited to a wedding, I wouldn't have invited you either. I would chose to protect the ones I love and maybe that's what's happened here. You're not unreasonable for feeling hurt but you would be unreasonable if you don't accept that your beliefs have caused upset and hurt to others.

No I don't think so, we left it at I'd ask my son if he wanted it and contact her if he did.

He is lying. He is cheating. The whole t-shirt thing is just to distract.

No, you are absolutely not being unreasonable! I cannot imagine inviting someone who is part of a couple and not inviting their partner as well. It's just rude, and the fact that your partner is making a significant contribution to the wedding is doubly rude & selfish!

Reading the story I am gobsmacked that he is considering doing it, and given that he is supporting these people, and carrying on with a group which excludes you, I struggle to understand why you want him in your family. I realise that this is a much more extreme stance than you are taking, so I reviewed my thoughts before posting, but I really can't see what I am missing.

I agree with the majority, I'd double check your OH isnt and hasnt been involved with Instagram woman.
As far as I can see there is NOT any reason why you were not added to the new group formation when other female partners were.
And the fact your partner hasnt had your back through it all is even more questionable. Very odd.

You have children and are his partner. In your shoes I would expect respect and transparency. Not including you in the chats is strange. He should let others organise the wedding and focus on what is important- his life and his partner - you… being photographed with another woman who is messaging things that build up his ego, while you are home snd not included is oh so flaky. So many red flags. You d serve better than this.

Ignore the anti feminists. Your T shirt was biologically accurate. You're not transphobic simply by virtue of believing that people can’t change sex.

Seconded. People are entitled to think a woman is not an adult human female - though this would be slightly odd on a site mainly peopled by women who've given birth - but I don't know what they imagine the wearer would do at a wedding reception. She won't be wearing a t-shirt at the event, will she, and not a single one of us has ever charged around a social gathering telling trans guests they don't exist or yelling 'Show us yer dick' at them!

Anyway, OP, I hope you are doing a little detective work. You are not being treated well and you deserve to know what's up.

Have you said point blank I can see your friends approval matters a lot to you. Have you considered how important your wife being ostracised should be? What is a marriage to you anyway? If you go, be aware you’ll need a babysitter. I don’t look after our kids anymore so you can hang out with and do major favours for judgy arseholes who deliberately exclude your wife of many years. I feel like I’ve been taken for granted for a long long time supporting your social life while you’ve neglected me with your blokes only chat the other women get invited to and your major favours for weddings your wife isn’t welcome at. I’ll be out that day and night and much more often from now on, you are telling me loud and clear I need a social life that is independent of you and I’ll be building that while you do the parenting and cleaning support I’ve done for you for many years. If you go to this wedding and do this huge favor, we aren’t the same.

the truth is a real husband says mate, get a grip. You’ve excluded my wife from your wedding, I don’t give a shit about your free bar payment rubbish, she’s the woman I go home to every night and I won’t be lending my equipment, have you not thought for a moment about what your doing to my marriage to get a cheap favour for yours? Your marriage is not more important to me than my marriage and you’re not even a friend if you think it should be!

My dh would do this even if it were his brothers wedding.

Nobody can change sex. Ever. anyone who ever says otherwise is either lying or has been grossly deluded which does the world no favours. You wouldn’t support her being excluded if she wore a reform shirt.

Oh I absolutely would.

Transphobes and Reform voters will not be welcome at my wedding. None of those bad vibes.

Doesn't matter what OP's t-shirt or beliefs are, the bride is absolutely entitled to not invite her (and their teenage son), but somewhat less entitled to expect the DH to stump up equipment and time as a favour.

Oh grow up, you silly virtue signalling prat. (And no, "Reform voters" and what you call "transphobes" ie women who understand reality, many of whom are VERY left wing, are not the same demographic). Give me STRENGTH.

Personally, I think you're a thick bigot.Wouldn't want to go to your wedding either.Thankfully most of my friends are neither this dim or tribal.

Just what i was going to say

Your partner is doing it so he's not excluded from the friendship group & it's an ego pump & popularity boost to be asked. Backing OP up is secondary to his want to be wanted.

DH used to be a wedding DJ (many years ago!) so he was invited to many weddings to provide free entertainment. Sometimes I was invited, sometimes I wasn't. He loved the label of being DJ X and the go-to for everyone.

It took him finally tiring of doing the DJing for free and a few incidents - including people baulking at paying a small amount for his expenses because it was his 'gift', and a colleague not even providing him a meal or a seat at a table, to realise I was right all along - he was being used for free entertainment and me being excluded was cruel (I often didn't know the people well enough). He stopped. So did the contact from many people....

The entitlement of some people. I want to borrow your expensive equipment, I want you to work at our wedding, I'll reward you with something you can't use and your partner can't come.
Your partner needs to tell them to sod off. No kudos with being used and abused .

Where does OP say it was a transphobic t shirt? I thought she said it was a feminist top so I assumed something from The spark company or similar.

This. Some say it's transphobic to define the word 'woman'.
https://www.letwomenspeak.org/the-original-woman-t-shirt

Thank you for the clarification.

Are you close to any of the other women in the group? Are they invited as plus ones? Seems likely if there’s 500 people at the reception.
I know that my OH would neither attend himself or allow the use of equipment if I wasn’t included in the invite.

Ew, I wouldn't invite OP anywhere either. I have no space fir bigots in my life.