AIBU to feel hurt I’m excluded from partner’s friend group?

[Oldknowe]

So I had thought I got on ok with my partner's friends... I don't go out very often as I have the kids, but I am in their pub group chat.

I noticed it had been pretty quiet on the normally busy chat and mentioned it to my partner.

He said they had set up a new 'blokes only' chat, I wouldn't be able to join... oh well...

The thing is a month later I've found it's not; female partners of some of the others have been added, plus a newly single flirty woman.

(This woman has previously posted a picture of herself and my partner with a caption like "she thinks she's dreaming but knows when she wakes it will still be true that she's found love!" on Instagram.)

Ok so I'm pissed off, it feels awful to be excluded but what can I do.

But now a friend is getting married, there's going to be "an amazing evening reception, with 500 people attending" - all of the friend group are involved, my partner is helping with the set-up of part of it using equipment from our house.

I've just found out I'm not invited.

I feel really bad inside. Desperately low.
What is wrong with me?

But surely you could have went out too? Made your own friends> had equal time, are you saying he refused to allow this? Did you ever make an effort with these people, invite them round, invite them out to things?

I often find people who complain they aren’t invited places also never invite people or make an effort.

But that’s a very different thing to thr wedding. I don’t agree with some of these answers and feel they are appalling.

he has friends, it is unknown why you don’t, did you chose not to, or did he force it. I don’t beleive if someone doesn’t make an effort to get involved, to invite people they can complain if they get the same treatment back and I find it appalling people are saying that as you didn’t make the effort, and as you want to go to the wedding, he should now refuse to go and cause damage to his friendships. And even charge them for the equipment. If the genders were reversed no one would suggest this.

if he has forced you to stay home and not have a social life, then the wedding is the least of your issues. And is not the grooms fault. If it was your choice, then I’m afraid you’ve only yourself to blame. You need to make an effort, like he has.

This is awful I canr believe anyone wrote that shite with a straight face.

I can't believe your naivety.

I think it’s the style. It’s written like a fantasy.

@ClaredeBear, It was a bit long but the gist was just what I'd think.

Then it's time to start changing things. Figure something to do, then do it whilst he watches the DC! Doesn't matter right now if it's birdwatching, a knitting circle, Formula 1 racing, running marathons, or solo cinema. The point is that you get out and he stays in. You can figure out your 'forever' hobby or find a 'gang' of your own later.

Once he has had to step up and sees what it's like to be 'stuck at home' with the DC whilst his wife is out having a good time, maybe he'll start being more considerate and inclusive.

Well my partner and I have had a chat...

I've been reassured nothing has happened with this wild woman and he is totally committed to our relationship and family, I do believe him.

He thinks the reason I'm not invited is due to an incident I was not aware of, apparently a while ago the bride-to-be spotted me in the street wearing a women’s rights T-shirt. She was absolutely horrified at this and challenged my partner in the pub about it, in front of the friend group, she called me a bigot and some other words and was not impressed with him when he supported me. She is apparently still a bit frosty to him, he got a verbal invitation a month after all the others.

I was surprised, as at Christmas she was really friendly towards me on a night out, chatted for ages and invited me to her house to pick up something for our son (which I haven't done as I don't know her very well and the item was quite expensive).

He still wants to do the party, it's a great venue and all the friend group are very keen, he doesn't want to let them down.

Thank you, this is a great and heart-warming post. I will follow this advice.

Then he doesn’t have your back. If she was offended by you wearing an adult human female top or similar and you are being excluded on that basis then your partner definitely does not prioritise you. He should be pulling out of the favour.

He lets them down or he lets you down. He needs to support you.

I would be saying to him that you are extremely upset by it and will feel unsupported if he goes without you. If he chooses to go anyway then he has his priorities very wrong

Yes it was that T-shirt.
He is quite uncomfortable and has been considering not to do it. The kudos amongst his mates is what is appealing to him I think.

Well it’s kudos from his mates or kudos from you. Which does he value more?

of course he could have both if he simply says to the groom (or both) words along the lines of “mate I’d do it but I can’t exclude Oldknowe, its not the way our relationship works and I don’t feel comfortable knowing she’s been deliberately excluded. It’s your wedding and entirely your choice but I’m afraid we come as a pair to things like that.”

Although personally I’d not want to attend now and I’d want him to decline in support.

This 🙌

Perfect 😊

@Oldknowe do you think she might think you have the ump because you didn’t collect the thing for your son? The t shirt may have been a problem at the time but since you then met up over Christmas maybe things were back on track - but perhaps she is offended you didn’t pick it up. Not condoning her behaviour - sounds like she needs to get over herself. Either way, while your partner had your back and stuck up for you (as far as you know) he really ought to be saying ‘actually if she’s the only excluded one then I’m not coming’.

The bride to be likely only gave him an invite for the freebie he’s providing, he should be telling her to fuck off.

She is apparently still a bit frosty to him, he got a verbal invitation a month after all the others.

Never mind kudos, what about his self respect? Sounds like he was not going to be invited himself until they realised they wanted a big freebie favour from him.

So he'd rather be a hero to his mates and go, than a hero to you for supporting you and, by extension, women's rights and decline to participate.

As far as attending, I guess I'm the sort that feels I don't want to go where I'm truly not wanted. Especially if it's to 'celebrate' someone who thinks I'm a bigot. Your DH will have to make his own decision on attending, but I admit I'd be hurt if he decided to attend given the circumstances. I wouldn't make a huge fuss and I'd wave him off 'pleasantly', but I would let him know without undue emotion that I was disappointed in him.

The larger issue to me is why does this one woman's opinion apparently get to dictate to the rest of the group who is welcome on nights out and who isn't?

Years ago (in the '80s so before electronic tech) my estranged DH had a friendship group I wasn't really part of but that was because it was 'centred' around a sport and the group, including the wives, was too 'hard drinking' for my taste. It was just accepted that 'Across isn't into that'. I was invited now and again to things most of which I declined with no hard feelings. There was nothing wrong with them not considering me 'part of the group'. But to specifically exclude me would have been inconsiderate to my DH.

He got a verbal Invite after all his friends did as they went his help

He should tell them to ram it!

So, you were wearing a TERF t-shirt, and the bride thinks you're a bigot? If it's any help, I wouldn't invite a transphobe to any of my events either, to protect my family. Their wellbeing is much more important than some rando. Neither would I be borrowing equipment from your partner though 🤷🏼‍♀️

Oops sorry wrong thread 🙊

Hear hear. Glad someone else thinks like this.

I'm getting married this year. I have several dear trans friends who are coming. If I learned that a friend's wife who I didn't know that well was a transphobe then I don't give a hoot about etiquette, she wouldn't be coming. If I learned a friend's partner was a racist or homophobe then they would also not be invited.

I wouldn't ask him for any special favours though.

If I'm with someone then I would respectfully say no to the invitation if my partner is excluded. It's not like it's a fishing trip is it? How long is it before the wedding? She could always start going out dressed up to the nines to see what his reaction would be. IMO he's got no respect for the relationship or his partner

OP shouldn't have to be a plus-one, the invitation should be to her partner and her (both names on the invite).