AIBU to feel hurt I’m excluded from partner’s friend group?

[Oldknowe]

So I had thought I got on ok with my partner's friends... I don't go out very often as I have the kids, but I am in their pub group chat.

I noticed it had been pretty quiet on the normally busy chat and mentioned it to my partner.

He said they had set up a new 'blokes only' chat, I wouldn't be able to join... oh well...

The thing is a month later I've found it's not; female partners of some of the others have been added, plus a newly single flirty woman.

(This woman has previously posted a picture of herself and my partner with a caption like "she thinks she's dreaming but knows when she wakes it will still be true that she's found love!" on Instagram.)

Ok so I'm pissed off, it feels awful to be excluded but what can I do.

But now a friend is getting married, there's going to be "an amazing evening reception, with 500 people attending" - all of the friend group are involved, my partner is helping with the set-up of part of it using equipment from our house.

I've just found out I'm not invited.

I feel really bad inside. Desperately low.
What is wrong with me?

Catching up now... thanks for the replies.
Apparently they've been offered payment in a free bar. Which my partner won't be able to use as he'll have to pack up and drive the kit home after the party.

If it’s true he should tell them to fuck off. Maybe charge them “mates rates” if he wants to do them a favour.

Do you know this for a fact or is this what your dh is telling you?

He's telling me this. I think he has doubts about it but they are all keen.
I've gone from fretting to fuming.

You need access to his phone to know what's going on. Walks like a duck, talks like a duck and all that. I'm sorry OP but objectively you have reasons to be suspicious. I hope he's telling the truth and that nothing is going on with the new woman but you need to know for sure. Would be quite disgusting for the whole friendship group to cover up his affair but I have seen it happen.

They sound like users. Have the other male friends been told 'no plus one'?

Not sure yet... have asked ...

Is he generally a people pleaser? If so then maybe he just hasn’t put this woman straight and the friends are cheeky f**kers. Is your DPs kit etc being given as a wedding gift to them?
have you spoken to him about her yet?

Is he generally a people pleaser? If so then maybe he just hasn’t put this woman straight and the friends are cheeky f**kers. Is your DPs kit etc being given as a wedding gift to them?
have you spoken to him about her yet?

Hope you never invited them round to yours?

I’d wonder is he considered a good looking man, not to you, but honestly. I ask as the sort of photo and comment women usually do to the man they least fancy,.

I'm horrified that you wouldn't be invited and think this the most appalling manners.

Your DH should be refusing to go btw.

Meh I think it’s fine, she’s not friends with them so she’s not entitled as she’s his partner. She needs to make the effort to be friends with them, joining them, inviting them round etc, then it would be horrifying, but yiu can’t do nothing but ask to be in a what’s app group your partner has with his mates and then expect to go to their weddings.

No I'm not entitled.
My partner's looking forward to having a great time with them all.
I am not welcome.

He shouldn't go if you are not welcome. That is awful, he should stand by you on this.

He shouldn’t want to be where you’re not welcome. He needs to tell his ‘friends’ that if they are going to treat you like that he’s not going or lending anything as a ‘gift’ - he’s either their friend of he isn’t, and if he is then they should show more respect for him.

You aren’t entitled, nor is it wrong for you to feel hurt by all of this.

On the subject of the other woman, I’d be making it crystal clear that he needs to stay away from her - she’s already disrespected your relationship, and if she thinks that behaviour is ‘banter’ then she’s not the kind of person he should be around if he’s too soft to put her straight.
Sadly, I do agree that there seems to be more to this where she’s concerned. But I hope not

I feel stupid I've stayed at home with the kids whilst he's forged a new exciting life for himself.

Start standing up for yourself now, it's not too late. Tell him it is a deal breaker. If he has any respect for you he will accept that he can't go ahead with this without you.

I wouldn't be too bothered about the whatsapp group, loads of times I have seen groups grow so big that the original core group just go off and start another one without all the 'hangers on'. Then of course that one starts getting extra people and the cycle happens again. I am in a group with > 400 people but only 20 or so are active in doing stuff so we started a new group of those 20.... who then starting adding others and within a few months it was back to 100+ with only 20 being active again.....

you're in a watsapp group with 400 people? Just friends?

If DP really loves doing sound & vision and doesn't get that many party opportunities, I can understand him being a total pushover for CFs wanting free service. That's one thing.

The other, more important thing is that he's happily gone along with your being kicked out of a large friend group and has at best disregarded a fairly heavy, public demonstration of interest from a female in the group. At worst, her post was genuine and they're an item in the context of the group ... which would explain your exclusion.

I think you need to take up your refreshed membership - and take a count, to see whether you have in fact been included in a secondary group rather than the main one. I'll also suggest it's past time to get chatting with some of the other wives, see if they feel the group's gone weird and what they know about this supposedly loose cannon of a demonstrative woman.

I'm sorry you are being treated so rudely. There's still time to get on top of this.

there’s no way i’d be happy with this situation OP. i thibk hes trying to shag that new lassie.

i think you'll find that he accidentally-on-purpose stays the night because he conveniently partook of the free bar and couldnt drive home. And guess whose room he will be staying in.

i think i’d be rifling through his phone now when he’s not looking to get to the truth. i think youll find a private whatsapp with just him and her on it. probably hidden and locked right enough. search carefully.

and once youre in there get bank account details etc for getting your ducks in a row to make sure you dont get shafted so missy can get a nice holiday with Mr-My-Wife-Doesnt-Understand-Me.

Are you pals with any other wives. I’d be speaking to them too. Maybe all the guys are hoping for a bit is action or maybe it’s just DH.

Id either be going mental at him to try and get him to fess up, or id just just turn up at the wedding later on at like 11pm when everyone’s drunk and nobody cares so he can “have few free drinks and i can drive us home” or incognito to catch him and missy sucking the face off each other…

Are you financially dependent on him?

@Oldknowe It’s not too late to make yourself an exciting life. Do you have friendships of your own, or is there a hobby you might be interested joining a group for?
Even if you just go out for a meal on your own, or wander around a nice park or shops for a few hours on your own, start getting out of the house and making time for yourself, leaving the kids with him. Let him see how it feels being on the other side, but more importantly do this for your own mental wellbeing