AIBU to want to tell colleague’s wife about his workplace affair?

[Berrylipshade]

Name changed for this.
I’m watching an affair play out in work. Been going on for a long time. Everyone knows. Not at all discreet. Today it was bad, cuddling, neck stroking, hands in hair, in plain sight of a few of us, and leaving for “lunch” together.
He is a horrible arrogant man. His poor wife & young kids.
I hear him telling clients about his wife and comes across as so devoted. He’s a pig.
The one he’s shagging is single, but an obnoxious flirt. The whole thing just makes me so annoyed.
i wish I could not care.
but i keep plotting to leak this to his wife.
is that wrong?

Different angle here - for you to be subjected to this behaviour at work is sexual harassment (it really is). Kinda of a big deal at the moment with the legislative changes. Flag to HR and your own management. You have the right to work without seeing this behaviour.

I would tell her. I would report to HR. I’d also tell him and her that I had done so.

I’m old and don’t give a fuck. They can’t victimise you over it.

I would definitely find a way to tell her anonymously. Lots of people clearly know so it wouldn’t be obviously you. If he was a nice guy and you felt he’d kind of fallen for someone else and it was serious then yes, I’d let him resolve it. But the fact he’s a serial cheater, arrogant prick and generally not a nice person - why just sit back and let him get away with it? You are basically complicit.

his poor wife will probably find out about his ways eventually, but imagine if it was in 10 years time and she’d wasted all those years sticking by him wishing she’d known sooner so she could get the hell out.

Maybe she already is thinking about leaving for other reasons but wishes there was a concrete reason to make her feel less like she’s the bad guy.

i don’t know how you can just sit back and let him do this. The arrogance that he knows no one will do anything is disgusting. Time to burst his bubble.

Ive seen this at work a few times. I bet the wife already knows or at least strongly suspects.

On the back of this, I just want to say that he is 100% one of the worst type of arrogant tossers I’ve ever met. He has heckled me during a meeting once. I think it’s mainly because I hate him that I’m so angry by it all, and maybe as other posters have said, I’m more motivated by that…which makes me think would telling his wife really be fair on the wife.
im going to tell my manager 100%

Yep.
👏
I'd say nothing. With the exception where the person is in immediate physical danger OR children are being harmed- in which case I bloody well will get involved - I never get involved in other people's marriages.

The wife may know and not care, the messenger usually gets shot and I suspect that there's a certain amount of vindictiveness on OP's part too as she doesn't like the guy.

If you feel that strongly, you should tell HR about the behaviour in work.

If he wasn't such a bad colleague, would you actually want to tell his wife? She's a real person and not your vehicle for revenge. It may well be the case that she is fully aware and working on a long-term exit/financial plan. If you force her hand, you could see her and the children homeless.

If you tell his wife, you will also be unprofessional.

Agree with this. And I would look at your company's policy about reporting it!

OP is not "letting" him do this!

I’ve been in the same situation. It was our male branch manager blatantly having the affair with a female team member ie our boss. Many employees felt the other woman was getting unfair preferential treatment at work and someone reported it anonymously to the CEO. The branch manager was moved. The wife found out, albeit years later and a long time after we’d all moved on to other companies and careers, because her husband had multiple affairs one after the other during their marriage and it was bound to come out eventually. He left her for the latest about 10 years ago, which was about 15 years after I’d worked for him.

Christ, these people are the worst.
i often drive home after a day of this pairs lovey dovey performance and wonder - how are people married to someone like this, and not see it? It’s scary if they literally can “act” like 2 different people

If you tell your manager, it will blow up in your face.

I would write to his wife anonymously with as much evidence as you can summon and be done with it. Going down the 'formal route' would be disastrous for you and you alone. It's not right but it's how life is.

Great update OP - sounds like a good plan! The PDAs are grim

I think some people think they are in a crappy Ch5 drama 😀

As someone who has been through this recently i really wish someone had told me. Do it OP. His wife may have suspicions like I did. The woman was just as bad in our situation. And people joked about it. Its disgusting. Please do it. X

I would annoymously. To me it’s what I owe any woman. I feel zero obligation, professional or otherwise, to be complicit in someone else’s emotionally abusive behaviour. To me it’s a moral no brainer.
I would be pragmatic about it and make sure it is anonymous.

Slightly off topic but still on the general theme I hope.
Years ago my sister and her husband-who my mother didn't like (for no real reason that I could see other than he was 'beneath' her in some way and not ambitious enough) were going through a rough patch.

They were in the middle of a blazing argument (no violence and no kids present) and my sister calls our mother, who wasted no time in pointing out her perceived flaws about sister's dh when my sister passed the phone to him.

Thinking she was being helpful in a constructive way but honestly to express her animosity towards him.

The rough patch passed and it turns out dsis had an alcohol problem and was cheating on him (to his credit, he held back from saying this while mother was laying into him) and from that night on he's only civil with our mother whereas he made a real effort before.
My mother, not being the sharpest tool in the box, doesn't understand why.

To cap it all off, my sister was pissed at the time of the conversation and couldn't even fully recall the argument next day.

This is why I keep out of other people's marriages.

I would 100 💯 tell and do so anonymously
If I was the wife I would be livid that people knew and were playing me for a fool.
My friend s husband was having an affair, ofc, no one told her ... all 'stayed out of it ', ' didn't want to get involved '.
Husband left her for OW...
Husband had also hidden lots of money away during this affair in an attempt to cheat my friend and their children out of money.
Tell

I was on the receiving end of a message like this, informing me that I had been cheated on, from a colleague of my other half - it was one of the worst moments of my life BUT I was incredibly grateful to the person who told me. It was quite brave of them to do that, and I appreciated it deeply. It meant I was able to actually deal with the situation instead of being in the dark. I would tell someone if it were me, having been that person myself.

What’s convinced you that telling your manager is the way to go? I understand that you feel biased by your dislike for this man, but you’re essentially absolving yourself of responsibility by putting it onto someone else. She has the responsibility to ensure a good working environment, but she doesn’t have any more power than you do to address the moral problem of whether to tell the wife. If the PDA stops due to a managerial intervention, will you feel better knowing that it may still be happening, just out of sight? Will you be able to put it out of mind? I think it would still trouble me deeply.

@Berrylipshade i wouldn’t tell my manager. I would however tell his wife . I would want to know and so would you .

Please tell his wife, she deserves to make informed decisions about her health and life.

I would absolutely find a way of letting his wife know.
My view is, that if someone knows somebody is having an affair then they’re complicit in it to some degree if they don’t say anything. That wouldn’t sit right with me.
I’d sure as hell would want to know.

Nothing to do with you. Don’t get involved in other people’s mess…

I wouldn’t speak about it to your manager tbh.

I'm always surprised by the number of people who, if their partner was having an affair, wouldn't want to be told. You prefer everyone who knows to just look away and pretend it isn't happening. Why would you not want to be told? How is it better for you to find out when an unplanned baby appears or he brings home an STI or you accidentally find out and you realise people knew for years