AIBU to think my husband‘s attitude is really mean

[Hayfield123]

Would you give up your time to be a witness at a strangers wedding? Husband and I were chatting to a couple the other day who are getting married, but they haven’t told any of their friends and family and they’re hoping to get to strangers off the street to be witnesses. My husband said that they’ll never find anybody, they said they were going to go to the local pub and find some people that were sitting there and just ask them if they would do it. I said if I had the time I would absolutely do it he said he wouldn’t. He said if he was sitting there having a drink with his friend, he wouldn’t want to be disturbed. I think that’s really mean.

Well it seems like a nutty thing to do so I suppose I might refuse out of fear of being strongarmed into further nuttery...

All a witness does is watch people sign a contract and then counter-sign to state they saw it happened. That's it.

The marriage could be coercive or arranged to circumvent immigration status etc. So no.

I'd refuse. It's drama and you'll get pulled into it. It'll turn out to be a sham marriage and you'll be sat talking to the officials for weeks as they ask you exactly how you know them and won't believe you just walked off the street or you'll end up in some god awful reception somewhere with whacky people. I don't know which is worse.

I don't think he's mean, it's not like they're hurt and need help and he won't interrupt his pint to call an ambulance. He just wouldn't want to do it, loads of people wouldn't want to.

I think maybe you are romanticising it. It all sounds lovey dovey... but in reality if a stranger came up to me in a pub and asked me to be a witness there and then I'd actually think that potentially one of them was being coerced and I'd be terrified of a) the relationship and b) my involvement.

Granted it might all be perfectly innocent but I wouldn't want to risk it.

What would you possibly be strongarmed into doing as a follow on? It's 15 mins out of your day. Id get them to buy me a pint and do it.
I don't think it's that nutty and wasn't that unusual either. My dad did it for someone he didn't know. Wished them well and never saw them again

Obviously on here every has to make a huge drama of whataboutery though

A family member did this a few years ago - marrying a long term partner, they'd been living together for well over a decade so no issues over coercion, they just didn't want the fuss and faff (and couldn't be arsed to go to Gretna Green either). They had no problems finding two strangers to be witnesses. I don't know how many they asked before finding their two, though.

Like how You are witnessing you saw someone sign a form. That's all And why would you go to a reception,?

That would really be your first thought?

Is thinking the worst possible thing about other people a habit you have in the rest of your life?

It's not mean-spirited to politely refuse if you have something else you're doing or you just want to relax. I don't think the OP's husband is being mean. I might agree to being a witness but I'd have to be at a really loose end, not on my way anywhere, nothing to do for a while.

Jumping straight to worst-case scenarios like coercion and forced marriages is definitely mean-spirited though.

I will say though... I went to a wedding in Copenhagen a few years back. Over there you can get married on the day, you don't need a pre-application, just fill out the form there and then and they'll give you a timeslot to come back to be married. I was attending a pre-arranged multicultural wedding.

And it was perfectly normal to ask people on the street outside the registry office to come in and witness the wedding. If you didnt bring a witness, a staff member would do it.

I do love the idea of it, but unfortunately I probably wouldn’t, due to the possibility of coercion.

I wouldnt either. Could be a sham wedding.

I live in an area where this is a real concern.

There’s always extra staff the register office who will sign if they’ve booked a ceremony for just the two of them and witnesses - reality it’s a totally under whelming 3-4 mins - not remotely romantic!

It's just all plain strange. You need a professional to sign your passport but bladdered John from the six bells on a promise of a free kebab at closing time is good for marriage.

It's not something I would do just because I'm not interested in other people's business

I would do it if I had time and felt like it, but wouldn't feel like I "have to", just to be nice.

It's not mean to refuse. If you're being interrupted in your day, it's not your responsibility how the person disrupting you feel.

They'll probably be fine finding 2 people who don't mind and want to do it for fun.

But I'm surprised it's possible, I'm pretty sure we had to provide the name of our witnesses in advance. Maybe it's council dependent, but we had to fill in a form a week or so before to agree on the ceremony structure, and it included the names of the witnesses (I think because they prepare all the documents and readings in advance).

I'd do it If the registry office was very close to the pub

He isn’t mean for having a different option to you about doing something or not. I wouldn’t do it, I’m not mean, but I just wouldn’t want to. You have to remember the responsibility here lies in the couple getting married, not the people being asked to be witnesses. If they say no it’s fair enough.

I think they have staff in the office to do it, they dont use people off the street anymore

I mean it's not very practical is it?

Say the wedding was at 1pm, they're not going to walk/drive to the nearest pub at 12.45, risk finding no-one and miss their slot.

Therefore they'll probably be asking at least an hour before the wedding and then whoever agrees, will have to hang around until it starts and walk or drive to the ceremony.

It wouldn't be mean spirited if you didn't want to take time out of your day to do that.

Before his much larger wedding, DS had a legal ceremony where just two of us were witnesses. It was six minutes (I videoed it) from beginning to end, hardly a huge ask if you're close by.

I agree that this isn't it an an unusual request.
I wonder if some of the pp who think it's strange have been conditioned by the modern trend for marriages being the ultimate stage managed, multi thousand extravaganza where everything, including the witnesses have been organised to the ninth degree. Therefore they can't comprehend a situation where some people just want to get exchange vows and the witnesses are a legal formality.