AIBU to think my husband‘s attitude is really mean

[Hayfield123]

Would you give up your time to be a witness at a strangers wedding? Husband and I were chatting to a couple the other day who are getting married, but they haven’t told any of their friends and family and they’re hoping to get to strangers off the street to be witnesses. My husband said that they’ll never find anybody, they said they were going to go to the local pub and find some people that were sitting there and just ask them if they would do it. I said if I had the time I would absolutely do it he said he wouldn’t. He said if he was sitting there having a drink with his friend, he wouldn’t want to be disturbed. I think that’s really mean.

For a few years it was quite common on here for people to ask if anyone was free in x town on x day to witness. I haven't seen it for a while now, but it's just one way this place is so different now.

I would help if I could but I'm rarely near a registry office if I'm not on a tight timeline for a hospital appointment.

a lot of people wouldn't go out of their way to help a stranger, so I don't think your DH is 'meaner' than most. I think it's just the way society has gone , sad but true.

It’s not mean not to want to disrupt your plans for the day.

If I was enjoying a drink with my friend, I’d probably prefer to stay with them and not be disturbed too. It’s not mean. It’s a request, he’s entitled to say no to it. It’s not like he’s refusing to call
an ambulance for someone who needs one right in front of him.

I used to work in a building that contained a register office - we did it all the time. We were usually given a box of chocolates or a bottle of wine by the happy couple. There was never anything sinister about it - some couple just don't live near their family or haven't got the money to spend on a big wedding

I don't know, like being expected to go to some other venue or have a drink/meal or be in photos. I just think it's odd to have family/friends who could do it, but ask strangers instead. Different if you have no family/friends of course.

When we went to visit the registry office before getting married we were told that we weren't allowed to have any staff from the town hall / council building as a witness and also not to rely on "pulling someone off the street" as it could mean you missing your slot if you didn't find someone.

Depending on the vibe I would do it unless I was in a hurry or had an appointment which meant I couldn't spare the time.

By vibe I mean if it felt like there was something "off", coercion say, I would make an excuse. Otherwise I think it would be a nice thing to do.

I am one of the posters who said I wouldn't do it, because personally I don't know anything about those people or their lives. It's just not something I'd be comfortable being part of.

On the other hand, I did mention a wedding in Copenhagen I went to a few years ago and it was the norm to just ask random people from the street to witness. 10 minute job, done.

In fact, I got married at a registry office myself. We had 5 "guests", my parents were witnesses. However, we were asked by the clerical staff if we needdled witnesses. There was certainly other couples in the lobby on the day who seemed to be alone.

But Dad wasn't expected to do all those things. Nor were any workmates that did it. They worked in the building next door so probably higher tendency to be asked

I voted Unreasonable but hadn't even considered coercion or shams which are valid concerns.

Personally, I just wouldn't be prepared to have my day interrupted by strangers for a non-emergency thats nothing to do with me. Help you look for a lost child - Yes. Witness a wedding - No.

Ok, great! I just said that's how I would probably feel. Next time I'll say "that's how I would feel but that's not what happened to Thechaseison's dad so I won't worry" 😂

If the pub was next door to the reg office and they bought me a pint then I probably would. As long as they didn't give off really off vibes like one or both didn't want to do it.

Me and my brother thought we might end up witnessing a same sex wedding when we went to register mom’s death recently. There was a bit of confusion with a couple who had come in as to whether they were getting married or booking it. We were well up for witnessing tho! Would have made a shitty appointment a lot more fun 😁

turns out we weren’t needed tho

My mum was a guide at a local tourist attraction and around Christmas time nearly 50 years ago, was approached by a couple asking if she would be their witness, in a few days time. They had no family on holiday with them apart from their young daughter. Mum said yes and they asked if she knew anyone else who could be the second witness, so I was suggested. They were planning to just get wed and then go about their day, but Mum secretly made a small buffet for them and bought a Christmas cake and a couple of decorations, plus a couple of bottles of fizz.
They were so touched. I took photos and between us made their day a little bit more special.
They sent Mum a Christmas card and letter every year until she died a few years ago.

Why is it mean to not upend your plans for the benefit of a total stranger?

My mum used to be a registrar and regularly had couples arrive to get married (city centre registry office) without witnesses because they planned to ask strangers from the street outside. There was never, ever an issue with finding willing witnesses.

I love the idea!

That's pretty much bollocks.
I know a registrar and she has had to ask complete strangers to witness a marriage when train cancellations meant the planned witnesses to a very small wedding (couple and 2 witnesses, that's all) couldn't get there.
A witness needs to understand English and is literally just there to witness the legal bits, that's all.
I'd do it if asked, my registrar friend would do it if asked.

However, there is always the chance that the increase in sham marriages might encourage the government to change the rules e.g. the witnesses must have known at least one of the couple for x months/years etc.

Its probably not something I would comfortably do because of the chance of unwittingly becoming embroiled in a visa scam or something.

But having said that, I remember when Liam Gallagher and Patsy Kensit got married they just grabbed a couple of people of the street to witness it. So if it was someone extremely famous then I'd do it like a shot!

I would politely decline.

I wouldn’t do it because I think it would be quite awkward, I went to a registry office wedding recently and they can be quite long if people want to do vows. I’m also not sure I’d have that kind of time free if I’m just walking along the street. Although may agree to it if I was in the pub (during daytime?) and therefore possibly drunk!

I would also be wondering why they couldn’t get any friends to be witnesses - are they all opposed to the marriage for some reason? Is it an impulse thing and potentially they will get divorced soon? In a movie it would be fun and romantic, but in real life it’s different

We did this, didn't want a big wedding because I would really struggle with speaking in front of lots of people. We already had a ceremony booked with a humanist celebrant at Avebury but needed to do the legal bit so we booked a slot at the registry office in Bath and grabbed a couple of people to witness. I do remember feeling a bit daunted and a couple of people ignored us but the third couple we asked were happy to oblige. I think we gave them a box of chocolates. We did have a party for our friends and family a couple of weeks later but it was very informal with no public speaking required!

Only you are responsible for your " feelings" Doesn't mean it's reality

This was my first thought too. How sad that we have to be so cautious about everything.

Even if it was how does that affect the witnesses? You are basically saying you saw someone signing a form

All right... but equally your dad's experience isn't the universal experience is it?

The question was would you do it and I answered it. You're being weird with me about it now 😅