AIBU to think my husband‘s attitude is really mean

[Hayfield123]

Would you give up your time to be a witness at a strangers wedding? Husband and I were chatting to a couple the other day who are getting married, but they haven’t told any of their friends and family and they’re hoping to get to strangers off the street to be witnesses. My husband said that they’ll never find anybody, they said they were going to go to the local pub and find some people that were sitting there and just ask them if they would do it. I said if I had the time I would absolutely do it he said he wouldn’t. He said if he was sitting there having a drink with his friend, he wouldn’t want to be disturbed. I think that’s really mean.

By 'upend your plans' do you mean go into a building for 10 minutes?

It is pretty mean spirited not to do things for the benefit of strangers tbh. Our society relies on people being thoughtful towards strangers all the time and I'm glad for that.

Some of the 'concerns' raised on here seem rather far-fetched but also don't make any difference to the witnesses. You are just confirming that a piece of paper has been signed in front of you, not that they are really in love...

I don't know what the " universal " experience is Do you actually know lots of people who have been random witnesses then and roped into photos and receptions? Not something I've heard happening

Thats why the registrar has a chat with you separately before the ceremony .Not foolproof I know but its the registrars responsibility ,not the witnesses

Do all the people saying visa scam know that if you want to get married in the UK and you're not British / settled, you have to get permission from the Home Office to do so? The Registrar informs the Home Office when you go and register notice of intention to marry, and the Home Office have to interview them to check it isn't a sham and issue a certificate of approval before the registrar is allowed to do the ceremony.

It's not up to the witnesses to check if it's a sham marriage, it's up to the registrar and the Home Office, and by the time witnesses are needed that's all been dealt with.

I worked in a Town Hall that contained the Registry Office, & was a witness 5 or 6 times.
When I got married there - with friends & family present - the Registrar made a joke about how many times I had stood before him !

No. I don't. And I don't care! I just answered a "would you do this" question. I don't need to be persuaded into it because your dad did it in 1973!

I don't think there's any great danger in doing it, but I don't think it's "mean" to refuse. It's a favour being asked of complete strangers, who will each already have their own plans for the day and time constraints. A stranger's time and attention is not a right, and a wedding isn't an emergency. If it were your wedding, would you want someone to feel forced to be there with you when they didn't want to be?

We did this for a couple getting married in Gibraltar. It took ten minutes of our day. I did not think for one minute it was a sham marriage, just a couple getting married, hopefully for the right reasons, without the pantomime of a wedding that seems the norm now.

I am not trying to persuade you into anything. Just because you are so selfish you won't give up 15 minutes of your time to help anyone out doesn't mean everyone is. And I doubt id remember Dad doing it if it was 1973 ( though why that's makes any difference I don't know)

You are, completely ridiculously, seeing your arse about nothing. Leave me alone now please

I don't think it's selfish to not want to give up your time for a complete stranger, in the case of a non-emergency.

Like if a stranger requored medical help and someone wouldn't call assistance because they wanted to finish their pint in peace, that would be selfish. But not wanting to go to a registrar office and sign some forms and listen to the vows of complete strangers because you instead want to finish your pint in peace.. thats not selfish. It's just prioritising your own time.

YABU but just in the sense that I don’t think it’s mean, it’s more of a to each their own, really.

I would love to be asked and would happily do it. At the same time I don't think it's mean for someone to refuse if it seems to them to be a big imposition.

When I was at uni I worked pt for the council in the building next door to the town hall. It was very common for the registrar to phone over and ask if we could spare two bodies to be witnesses.

Mostly it was for couples marrying alone, but a few times it was for couples who didn’t realise their witness had to understand good English (tourist town with a very popular town hall) and needed a replacement because their planned witness wasn’t suitable.

Those people have completely different responsibilities though. A passport signatory is supposed to know who you are, so people don’t receive false passports - giving the responsibility to someone whose professional qualifications could be removed for bringing their profession into disrepute by assisting fraud is a sensible precaution. A wedding witness is literally there so that there is a third party to the fact that the marriage took place, and if either spouse later tries to deny it, there was a witness to attest that it happened. (Edited for spelling)

I’ve done it - been a random witness at a Mumsnet wedding! It was myself and another mumsnetter. We all met for the first time that morning. If the other witness couldn’t make it in the end my partner would’ve stepped in. I don’t know about getting people off the street though, but that’s mainly because I couldn’t bear to not have it all arranged first. I’d quite happily use witnesses from here if we decided to get married like that. The one that I was at was actually lovely, they’d been together for ages and it was their choice to do it that way and you could see how happy they were.
Afterwards they even gave us thank you cards with a gift card inside, so totally unexpected and so nice of them. I liked that I did something rather small (less than half an hour of my time), but it clearly meant a lot to them that we did it.
And if you’re reading this thread, hi 👋🏻☺️

Because I'm British. And if I wasn't bold enough to immediate say no I will just go along with things to seem polite. I'd probably end up on a 4 week cruise because I felt like there hadn't been an opportune moment to explain that I actually should probably get to work.

Has no one seen the threads on here asking for witnesses? always an abundance of offers.

I wouldn't say mean. Cautious maybe. Who knows what sort of drama you/he could get dragged into.

I’d never do it due to the risk of it being a sham marriage.

I was a mn witness just earlier this year! It was in my city, it was asked, I think, maybe about a month beforehand and I had no other plans, so was quite happy to do it. Just a small amount of my time and it was helping them. The ceremony itself was very short, less than 15 minutes iirc, and we just had to be there about ten minutes before, so less than half an hour from arriving to leaving.

if i met a friend to catch up over a drink, potentially hired a babysitter to watch my kids or cancelled a gym class for it, and then my friend was like “brb i’m going off to be a witness for these strangers” I would be disappointed.

So yabu to judge how dh spends his time. your way isn’t kinder and in some ways is actually more thoughtless. it just depends on the circumstances doesn’t it?

I mean, if I was just doing nothing I might agree to it. But if I was out with friends having a drink I wouldn’t because I’ve got other stuff to do.

I'm British as well ( well mostly)

What's that got to do with politely declining an invite?

So what you are trying to say is that a marriage could never be for the purpose of committing fraud unlike a passport.

Okay