Funeral directors share our private road - AIBU about what I saw yesterday?

[Habbyhadno]

This is such a random post but…

I live at the top of a private road just off a main road in a small town. At the main road end we have a funeral directors that faces the street, the building is tiny and it’s a branch of another directors in a neighbouring town where the directors is very much a shop front.

I thought this one would be the same, but they do seem to store bodies in there. We’ve had a fair few hearses park on our road as we turn into it (at the side of the shop), I literally have to squeeze my car up the road as obviously hearses take up a lot of space and the road isn’t wide at all, it’s a bit of an inconvenience but whatever.

However, last night me and my three kids 6,8 and 12 were heading out and we were all walking down the road and I spy a private ambulance with the back door open and clearly two bodies were in black bags in the back of the van.

There were two people out there about to start manoeuvring the bodies into the building, but I’m a bit icked out by it all, I don’t really think the kids need to see that and I felt a bit weird about seeing it (there’s not any other way we could have gone as the road is small and there was no getting away from it).

Do you think I should pop in and speak to them about being aware of who is around when they are unloading bodies or AIBU? I just feel like they could make the operation a bit more concealed rather than hoiking them out literally in the street, it seems a bit disrespectful and it’s been playing on my mind. What do I do?

What is it with you and OP using terms like ‘flopping’ and ‘hoiking’ and ‘huffing’ these poor dead people around? So disrespectful.

I loved next to a cemetery and yes I loved it it was so quite and yes no annoying neighbours 😊

At the end of the day everyone dies. We’ll all need to be transported from the place of
our death to the place we’ll be prepared for burial/cremation and then to our final resting place somehow. As a child I was terrified of people dying/the dead/funerals etc. I’m a lot more open minded about it all now and hope I’ve brought our DC up to feel the same way. It’s as much a fact of life as babies being born and we don’t hide that from our DC. I hope your children weren’t too upset, they’re usually very resilient and forthright about life and death which I think is a very healthy way to be

Death workers generally want the family out of sight because because carrying an adult body out of a house, possibly down stairs, is a tough job that involves a lot of heavy lifting. And yeah grunts and huffing because we're human. It can be jarring for a family to see but unfortunately a necessity so we would try to shield. It's getting even harder as people are becoming larger. I didn't often help with a lot of home body removals because at the time I was only weighed 120 so wasn't much help. But there were times it was all hands on deck and we would occasionally need firefighters to help.

Quoting myself as I can't seem to edit, and I've realised I mis-read the first post - I thought it was at the end of the private road, not the main road end (i.e. next to the main road). Apologies.

I'm not sure there's much you can do, OP. Maybe it is worth touching base with the funeral director, but in a different way? Explain that you and your children recently witnessed some bodies being moved, and that they had some questions. I don't know if they would be ok with you coming in for a chat one day when they're not busy to demystify the process?

If the staff were doing the wrong thing in terms of moving the bodies, this should alert the director to it and maybe that will change. If what they're doing is ok, then it does let them know that it had an effect on your family, and opens the door to a constructive conversation.

It's an occupation where I imagine you really need to be a people person, and also one that I'm guessing people shy away from unless they need the service. They might like the chance to discuss it and why they need to move the bodies in your view sometimes?

I imagine they wouldn't want to leave bodies in ambulances too long so may not want to wait around for people to pass, which also means an ambulance is kept waiting when it could be finishing this job and going to another.

It sounds like a funeral service near me. I thought they had a garage area on the corner away from the street avoiding public viewing. YANBU
Death is part of life but the discreet handling of bodies isn't easy to manage before the tidy funeral service and it can be distressing to witness

Death is part of life. Of course people see the bodies being collected. When my dad died anyone passing would have seen the funeral directors carry his body out. There’s no way around it. You are complaining that a funeral director is storing bodies. Madness.

It is a private road.

You chose to live on a street with a funeral home. Of course they store bodies! Where else are they meant to store bodies?

What do you think you might achieve by speaking with them?

I can't remember but the description of the location seems identical.

I’ve seen people in morgues and I’ve seen people in body bags. Personally body bags feels so much worse. I’m surprised they don’t have a more private area to load and unload. If those saying YABU, I wonder how many have actually seen strangers like that and would want their children to see that right by their house. It’s part of life and as an adult I wouldn’t want to complain but it wouldn’t be a nice or normal experience.

I don't think that's right at all. This is why they have yards or a 'garage' to drive into. Doing this on the street is disrespectful to all.

I used to be a funeral arranger and this is perfectly normal. It's how bodies are transported. In a perfect world there would be a private yard but not all premises have room for this. Would there be space for them to erect some screening to shield what they're doing? If so, maybe have a polite word with them. If it's not possible then you just have to get on with it. Our place was extremely busy and the operatives wouldn't have had time to delay the move from the van because they were constantly on the go doing other jobs. Maybe it's a learning opportunity for your DC where you explain that this is a part of the circle of life so they grow up with it without any 'ick'.

The people acting so horrified by this, are you missing that half the time the body will automatically be loaded in a public street anyway??
Many people die at home, they will be loaded from their house to the vehicle. They aren’t building a screen around the house and street!
Why is that not offensive but the other side of the journey is?

Do they have the right to park on the private road?

YABU, you’ve lived there 2 years and this is the first time you’ve seen a private ambulance so they obviously are discreet when doing this.
Coffins are displayed on the back of a hearse with a family car behind them on the way to a service so they are not only displayed when being transported from storage.

England seems to have a terrible method of dealing with it.
At home, the body will be taken from the hospital or home usually, then the undertaker prepares the body and returns the body to the family home within a matter of hours usually.
The family then, shock horror, watch their relative’s body be brought back to the home and the lid of the coffin is removed once the transport is finished.
A black bow is placed on the bow to communicate the deceased is home.
The family then take vigil with the relative for the next 48 hours or so until the funeral, where they carry the coffin either directly to the church themselves or into the hurst if it’s further.
Lots of visibility of the body at many stages and yet a lot more respectful than leaving your relative in a fridge for 6 weeks miles away.

They’re not doing this on the high street blocking everyone’s access into Boots, it’s a private road

I agree with this.
Hiding death from life is not the way to go.
Death is normal.

I would say RIP in my head and move on. Death isn’t ’dirty’ and I am not squeamish. Many in the UK are though.

The difference between the two is only in the size of the 'audience'.

When they remove a body from a home, they have no choice but to transfer in the open but a business doing this on the street because it suits them, feels wrong. I'm not squeamish about bodies, I transported my dead father in a BB from the county where he died to the county of his cremation. It's feels disrespectful for a business to be doing that on the street no matter the proximity of Boots or any other pharmaceutical outlet.

Both DH and I come from families of funeral directors. Death is part of life - the bodies are bagged and not visible. There is no shame in being dead so why should they have to put up screens or do it in the dark?

It’s not dead people you need to worry about!
it’s a bit silly, they’re just dead, covered, if they were dancing around with the dead people fair dough, but they were just delivering them to the funeral directors

They are not doing it on the street though, it’s a private access road that is shared between the funeral directors and a couple of houses.

Private is quite literally not “on the street”.

So the only difference is the size of the audience?

Would you buy a house if you turned up for a viewing and you witnessed this, even once? No you wouldn't. Don't pretend this is OK. It's because the company won't run to bigger and more discreet premises.

It's undignified for all concerned.