AIBU to step back from work friendships after feeling ignored?

[Poopyredpink]

I have two guy friends from work. Years differ in age...one younger and the other much older. Ive known them for over a year and I consider them my friends. However, Im thinking of stepping away now to gauge whether they either see me as part of their work friend circle or just another member of the team. As in...they wont bat an eyelid if I left.

I give them hugs everyday, I greet them everyday, ask them how they are, play pranks on them from time to time, check on their well-being when they're feeling down, helping them with their work, and just having casual talks and sharing laughs. I feel happy and relaxed when I am with them, the same with all my other friends at work. However, the past 2 weeks, Ive noticed that the younger one's attitude changed towards me...less talk, less engagement, doesn't smile as often, and speaks to his other long term friends more. I checked in on him and he said that he was fine, I asked him if we were cool and if I made him feel uncomfortable and he said no...if I did, he would tell me.

The older one is a hit and miss. He only ever comes to me when he is in a good mood but he never mentions to me what's bothering him when he is in a bad mood. He will only go as far as telling me if he is mad, annoyed, tired, etc. But I would hear him talk about what is bothering him with others like it was nothing. He does ask me if I am okay when I look down but doesn't ask me what's wrong or offers a listening ear. Same as the other guy. What really made me question our friendship was when I went to them and asked them when their birthdays were because I wanted to get them something when it arrives. They both said they didn't know each other's birthdays and joked that they had forgotten theirs and left it at that. They never had problems receiving things from me before...I even got them some Christmas presents during the holidays because I wanted to so I found it odd that they didn't want to disclose their birthdays to me when I know that they had a few people from work who knew their birthdays. I didn't want to ask their other friends because it felt like I was prying.

Yesterday and today, I decided to just not take the initiative to see how they might react to my change in attitude after a long period of me constantly approaching them first. I didn't go and hug them, I didn't go and ask how they were, I didn't do any of my usual stuff. They probably noticed but none of them came to check how I was. They didn't initiate a conversation when they passed me. Nothing. They just continued working. They looked at me from a distance and that was it. No hellos, no how are yous, no nothing. Im beginning to think that I was never really their friend. AIBU?

They were probably relieved you had backed off. You sound a bit much - hugs every day, presents etc. I'm sure you mean well but I would run a mile from such intensity at work.

Apart from anything else how do you find the time!

I would not be comfortable with the level of relationship you offer as a work colleague at all. You seem to mean well but it is very very full on. Hugs everyday? Very few people want that when they get to work. You are putting too much in and they clearly don't want what you are offering. Pull back but don't blame them for not reciprocating as very few people would give back what you are giving.

Hugging people at work - very inappropriate
Playing pranks at work - very inappropriate

You need to rethink how you behave at work - most of your behaviour sounds very inappropriate and unsuitable for a work environment.

i suspect that you are the person who people try to avoid because they dont want to be hugged/ interrogated on their mental health/ private life or have childish "pranks" played on them.

I think you’ve been a bit over the top tbh, hugging workmates every day and being a bit much overall with gifts etc, people prefer a bit of space in the workplace.

It doesn’t mean you can’t still chat to colleagues and be pleasant but yes, taking a little step back will be best all round.

Back off ! Not appropriate for work friends .

You sound incredibly full on and overwhelming.

Take a big step back and try to cultivate friendships outside of work.

Dear lord you sound so attention seeking.

You do sound a bit much OP.

I have very close work friends and none of us go around hugging each other or encroaching in this way.

To put it politely, this behaviour is very unusual outside of a school or college environment.

You seem awfully invested in these workplace relationships. Maybe they think there is more to your interest in them than just friendship. Are either of them married or have partners? Even if they don't this sounds so inappropriate for work.

I have a friend at work and we do a lot of what you describe and share personal details of our lives but this was an established friendship before we worked together. It really does sound like you have latched on to these two guys and I can imagine how awkward it must be. I really would back off and concentrate on real friendships outside work.

They are colleagues! Your behaviour sounds stifling and borderline inappropriate for work. They are probably wanting some space from you.

Sorry to sound harsh but most people don’t want this closeness from coworkers. You need to dial it right back.

This is defo weird. Most people do like people they work with and rub along for the purposes of getting the work done and because you spend a lot of time together but your level of input is nuts. Be friendly sure but stop being so needy.

Add to this the mind games of pulling back to test their friendship is bordering on crazy.

As has been said, you sound waaaaay too full on. Someone acting like this would get on my nerves if I had to work with them to be honest. No wonder they are distancing themselves from you! 😬

DH had a woman at his workplace that was like this, all touchy feely, and giggling, and overfriendly. Pushing and prodding the men, 'playfully,' especially when their wives and girlfriends were around. They were all like AND she used to buy them (the men,) little gifts, and post about it on Facebook.

She was so wildly OTT that many of the men (including DH) started giving her a wide berth, and she was proper miffed, and claimed it was because of the 'jealous wives.' 🙄

Shockingly, even at 39, she is still single. Never been married. No kids. Still throwing herself at men.

Don't be that type of woman @Poopyredpink

.

At work, you can be friendly with lots of people but very few, if any, will be your actual solid friends - people you see and spend time with outside of work too, and would continue to see even if you didn't work there any more.

Sounds like these guys were in the first category but you mistook it for the second. Time to dial down.

Yesterday and today you were being normal, a professional at work. Now, just add in the chatter now and again but nothing too personal (like birthdays) or overbearing (present giving). Remember they are your colleagues not your besties. If you continue acting normal I’m sure you’ll find them friendlier towards you.

@Poopyredpink also I’ve got the impression from your post that you’re someone that’s overly friendly with everyone, do you happen to call everyone ‘hun’ by any chance?

You're all work colleagues and they see you as such. I agree with what's being said. They want you to back off. You shouldn't be hugging etc in the workplace. Things seem to have got very inappropriate in your workplace and your manager needs to be reminding you all that you are there to work.

Hard to believe this is real. OP sounds bonkers.

I’m surprised the two men haven’t gone to HR. If the sexes were reversed, OP would be branded a predator.

Just to clarify OP, do you see these men outside of work as well as at work? Do you or have you ever socialised with them?
Did you know them before you started working with them or met them when you started working together?

Brutal honesty - I think they think you’re a bit nuts. They’re not your friends, they’re colleagues who humour you.

The clue is in the birthday exchange. They’ve got each others back there. They’re trying to keep their boundaries.

Jesus you sound like an absolute nightmare colleague

You are way too involved! I couldn't stand people I work with hugging me, giving me presents and wanting to know everything about my life. I am retired now and still friendly with a few people I worked with but we never carried on like that. I imagine they are well and truly over your behaviour. You need to back off.

Sounds like a childs game. Going to ignore them to see if they notice me.

Be yourself and get on with it.

I am super close to my colleagues, have known them longer then you. I call them, they call me, we hang out after work, help each other out. Consider them friends not colleagues even though I work with them. We get each other gifts for certain occasions. But gosh we don't hug everyday! And if we don't talk we don't talk cause we are busy with work. Get on with it honestly.

I’d think a work colleague was deranged if they hugged me every day, I’d hate it. Also buying presents is weird. You need to calm down and back off it’s too much, you’ll be getting a complaint against you.

Sorry OP, I agree with pp. you are forcing a level of intimacy and your own understanding of what a friendship ‘should’ be on these colleagues. Your comparison of their interaction with you against others, and ‘testing’ them is, well, odd and unacceptable.

I would find this odd behaviour from someone in any friendship group, but it’s completely unacceptable at work.

Don't hug people at work