AIBU to step back from work friendships after feeling ignored?

[Poopyredpink]

I have two guy friends from work. Years differ in age...one younger and the other much older. Ive known them for over a year and I consider them my friends. However, Im thinking of stepping away now to gauge whether they either see me as part of their work friend circle or just another member of the team. As in...they wont bat an eyelid if I left.

I give them hugs everyday, I greet them everyday, ask them how they are, play pranks on them from time to time, check on their well-being when they're feeling down, helping them with their work, and just having casual talks and sharing laughs. I feel happy and relaxed when I am with them, the same with all my other friends at work. However, the past 2 weeks, Ive noticed that the younger one's attitude changed towards me...less talk, less engagement, doesn't smile as often, and speaks to his other long term friends more. I checked in on him and he said that he was fine, I asked him if we were cool and if I made him feel uncomfortable and he said no...if I did, he would tell me.

The older one is a hit and miss. He only ever comes to me when he is in a good mood but he never mentions to me what's bothering him when he is in a bad mood. He will only go as far as telling me if he is mad, annoyed, tired, etc. But I would hear him talk about what is bothering him with others like it was nothing. He does ask me if I am okay when I look down but doesn't ask me what's wrong or offers a listening ear. Same as the other guy. What really made me question our friendship was when I went to them and asked them when their birthdays were because I wanted to get them something when it arrives. They both said they didn't know each other's birthdays and joked that they had forgotten theirs and left it at that. They never had problems receiving things from me before...I even got them some Christmas presents during the holidays because I wanted to so I found it odd that they didn't want to disclose their birthdays to me when I know that they had a few people from work who knew their birthdays. I didn't want to ask their other friends because it felt like I was prying.

Yesterday and today, I decided to just not take the initiative to see how they might react to my change in attitude after a long period of me constantly approaching them first. I didn't go and hug them, I didn't go and ask how they were, I didn't do any of my usual stuff. They probably noticed but none of them came to check how I was. They didn't initiate a conversation when they passed me. Nothing. They just continued working. They looked at me from a distance and that was it. No hellos, no how are yous, no nothing. Im beginning to think that I was never really their friend. AIBU?

I doubt it, men tend not to complain about this, just subtly put a stop to it. And with no complaints company is unlikely to act.

I’m struggling with the ops behaviour but more so she asked rhe younger one if she made him uncomfortable, she’d know he’d not want to say yes, so she just wanted validation, and then decided to play games see if they’d come to her, even though she knew they didn’t initiate, they didn’t behave rhe same way back and clearly didn’t want this level of relationship they didn’t even want to say their birthdays to ensure she didn’t buy them anything else.

When do you do any work in between all this checking in, hugging and playing pranks?

It sounds too much even to me, and I am more heart-on-sleeve than most Mumsnetters.

I am lucky enough to work with one of my best friends (genuinely think of her like family) and we do hugely at work sometimes, but not every day. A few colleagues hugged me when I came back recently after a long leave for stress/depression following bereavement - but that was context-apecific.

And I would only buy birthday gifts for REALLY close friends. If you were that close to these guys, you would know, they would be contacting you out of work etc.

It doesn't sound like either of them think of you as a really close friend, so it's probably time to match their energy.

If you are straight, and single, there is also the possibility one or both of them thinks you are attracted to them? This would cross my mind if a colleague hugged me daily and wanted to buy me gifts even though we weren't super close.....

Do you like them in that way?

Maybe they work in the Weasley twins' joke shop?

Hugs and pranks at work sounds awful and an HR issue waiting to happen.

The only people I have ever wanted a hug from are my mum, dad, husband, and kids. Sometimes don’t even really want to hug my kids when they’re snotty or gross. A colleague hugging me daily would be a fucking nightmare.

I'd have avoided you tbh in work... You seem totally ott in your hugs etc....Sorry.

Crikey. I WFH and on the rare occasions I step into the office it is appropriate to greet colleagues with a hug - because we’ve known each other 20 or 30 years for the most part and that would be regarded as appropriate sector culture between colleagues of very long standing and acknowledgement of sometimes warm and close friendships. But we didn’t and wouldn’t do it if we saw each other every day. It’s not appropriate.

With everyone else, pleasantries and chats about what was on last night or common interests in tea breaks are fine. Pranking would be straight to HR and there is no culture of birthdays, thankfully. We’re there to work and socialising even with close work friends is done outside work.

You’re an HR incident waiting to happen and you’ll never progress up the career ladder while you’re like this.

Heck, I don’t hug my best friends every day if I’m staying or holidaying with them - in greeting and farewell yes, as I won’t see them in person for some time, but not every day while I’m with them! AND we’re very close. The only person who gets a hug every day is DH!

You sound too intense. It’s work not boarding school. Your attitude is inappropriate.

it sounds like you’ve made a lot of effort with these 2 colleagues and you describe them as ‘friends’. But it sounds quite one sided. You’ve only known them around a year so to me they are work colleague and nothing more. This doesn’t mean they don’t care about you, they do to some extent as you work together and I imagine they like you but that doesn’t mean you are friends. Hugs and presents to male work colleagues run the risk of being interpreted as something other than friendship, particularly when you haven’t known them very long so I can understand why they might have taken a step back.
But listen, it sounds like you meant well and this is maybe something to learn from. It takes me years before I’d call a colleague from work a friend. I think it’s better to invest your time into friendships outside of work. If that feels hard at the moment, maybe starting a new hobby or something might help to meet people. Good luck.

You sound really needy and ott, these folks are your colleagues not your besties and they are trying to work, leave them alone and get on with what you should be doing

If I worked with someone who came up to hug me every day and played pranks, I would a) complain to HR about harassment and b) quit

And the "pranks"

I have met some of my best friends at work and truly would do anything for them but I would never hug them (weird and u professional) or insist on buying them presents when they clearly don’t want them.

In a work environment it is very difficult when someone is so full on, because they can’t avoid you completely nor really say anything to you.

They are trying to back away kindly so best to respect that. The older one doesn’t want to vent to you about whatever his issues are - could that be because he’s uncomfortable? Some people unintentionally end up being too ‘in your face’ and it’s awkward to deal with.

Incidentally, what sort of job allows you the time to do all this!

Yes as OP didn’t say they played pranks on each other, just that she played pranks on them! Odd.

Hugging? Shudder....
I left France because I couldn't cope with the constant kissing 🤢

Oh that sounds hideous, I’m not surprised you came back!

Those people in my life that I am close to (including colleagues) know me well enough to respect my boundaries and know that even when I have been sat in my office sobbing, any physical contact would be unwelcome!

How old are you? I think that might have bearing on this. You’ll learn.

This is quite sad.
OP do you have friends outside of work?
You do sound very intense.
I think scaling down your interactions with these colleagues is a good thing.

It’s almost like….. they’re at work…. to work, or something?

Respectfully OP, whilst it’s great to get on with your colleagues, and friendships can grow out of work connections, this all sounds far too much. It’s a place of work, not a social club.

As a rule of thumb, unless you see your colleagues outside of work on a non-work basis, they’re work friends, and likelihood is the friendship will end as soon as one of you leaves, or it’ll just become a professional connection who you might meet for coffee occasionally (if you work in a profession where fostering those kinds of connections is a thing).

As for the “testing” of them - nothing would make me less want to be friends with someone. Bizarre.

And please, please stop hugging your colleagues. It’s really not appropriate.

They are work colleagues ONLY
Be friendly but not overly friendly.
They are not really very interested in anyone but themselves.
That is life !!!!

Oh op, this is way too much. People you're friendly with at work are not friends. By all means pass time of day but physical contact is a hard no. You have to get on with colleagues but ideally be able to leave tomorrow without a backward glance or forwarding address if you wanted to.

The 'stepping back and see how others react' is attention seeking and manipulative as hell.

Sometimes I get really busy at work and don't talk much to anyone, or might just joke around with the people that sit next to me and barely engage with others. It doesn't mean I hate everyone else.

I've got a feeling that someone is doing what you're doing, stepping back and seeing how I react, to me at the moment. She's a lovely person but unfortunately lives in her head so much and overthinks every interaction, every comment, every look, that I just don't have the bandwidth for these kinds of games.

Either you choose to be friends with someone or you don't. Putting on a sad face and seeing how they react isn't friendship, it's testing and manipulation.

Your to much to full on.
Id have found a different job if i had to work with someone like you, that or id have snapped at you.
Its way to much.
Are we cool is what 14/16 year olds say to eachother not grown adults.
Gifts hugs pranks just stop.
They are not intrested in you how you think, your just a work colleague.

Feeling ignored i think they was giving you a hint to back off.

The OP hasn’t come back. Is there any point to more posters laying the boot into them?