AIBU to step back from work friendships after feeling ignored?

[Poopyredpink]

I have two guy friends from work. Years differ in age...one younger and the other much older. Ive known them for over a year and I consider them my friends. However, Im thinking of stepping away now to gauge whether they either see me as part of their work friend circle or just another member of the team. As in...they wont bat an eyelid if I left.

I give them hugs everyday, I greet them everyday, ask them how they are, play pranks on them from time to time, check on their well-being when they're feeling down, helping them with their work, and just having casual talks and sharing laughs. I feel happy and relaxed when I am with them, the same with all my other friends at work. However, the past 2 weeks, Ive noticed that the younger one's attitude changed towards me...less talk, less engagement, doesn't smile as often, and speaks to his other long term friends more. I checked in on him and he said that he was fine, I asked him if we were cool and if I made him feel uncomfortable and he said no...if I did, he would tell me.

The older one is a hit and miss. He only ever comes to me when he is in a good mood but he never mentions to me what's bothering him when he is in a bad mood. He will only go as far as telling me if he is mad, annoyed, tired, etc. But I would hear him talk about what is bothering him with others like it was nothing. He does ask me if I am okay when I look down but doesn't ask me what's wrong or offers a listening ear. Same as the other guy. What really made me question our friendship was when I went to them and asked them when their birthdays were because I wanted to get them something when it arrives. They both said they didn't know each other's birthdays and joked that they had forgotten theirs and left it at that. They never had problems receiving things from me before...I even got them some Christmas presents during the holidays because I wanted to so I found it odd that they didn't want to disclose their birthdays to me when I know that they had a few people from work who knew their birthdays. I didn't want to ask their other friends because it felt like I was prying.

Yesterday and today, I decided to just not take the initiative to see how they might react to my change in attitude after a long period of me constantly approaching them first. I didn't go and hug them, I didn't go and ask how they were, I didn't do any of my usual stuff. They probably noticed but none of them came to check how I was. They didn't initiate a conversation when they passed me. Nothing. They just continued working. They looked at me from a distance and that was it. No hellos, no how are yous, no nothing. Im beginning to think that I was never really their friend. AIBU?

This is also ott. I do think some posters like to ramp up the hyperbole. If someone attempts to hug you, you can move away and say please don’t do that, but running to hr like you’re a child and they are mummy and daddy sayinf someone tried to hug me, would make you look like you’ve even bigger issues than the would be hugger

Why on earth are you so invested in these work relationships? Most people who get on well with their colleagues still regard them as colleagues, not personal friends. I have worked in many different workplaces and environments and have always got on well with colleagues but have never hugged them unless for a specific occasion - eg, engagement, birth of a baby, or leaving.

Hugging colleagues on a daily basis is not normal. Nor is buying them individual presents. You sound overbearing towards these colleagues and it’s no wonder they are backing off from you. It makes me cringe to think of you asking the younger man if everything is ok between you 🤢

Do you not have any friends outside work? You sound very needy and overbearing.

They haven’t told you their birthdays as they don’t want presents. They’ve clearly talked and they both find you over bearing. You need to back off, be friendly and polite, and get on with your work. Don’t try it with someone knew either.

I do wonder if this post is real. No one can be this lacking in awareness.

Unless you are a wrestler you shouldnt be hugging anyone at work. Keep your hands off people

They’re only friends if you interact regularly and reciprocally outside work. If not they’re colleagues. I only ever hugged a colleague once and that was my leaving presentation!

Don’t sweat it now but you need to scale it right back.

She hasn’t returned because she doesn’t exist. It’s a wind up post to get people going.

Tbh you sound like the men I used to desperately avoid as an early 20 something because it felt off and uncomfortable.

@Poopyredpink Kindly this.

Look inwards - What is lacking that you’re trying to fill or compensate for?

I wonder if you have always had difficulties with (maintaining?) friendships? I’d really suggest some therapy. Perhaps interpersonal?

Friendships can’t be forced or rushed, they need time to mature and space to breathe.

Work on being secure in yourself, that’ll help.

Do you actually get any work done?? Stop hugging, back off and hopefully a more measured and appropriate relationship with your colleagues will develop. Cut out any gifts too!

God, I used to attract people like you when I worked in offices in my younger years. I was far too polite to tell those people to back off and in return I felt suffocated. I always had someone overly invested in my life - bombarding me with questions, overly huggy, expecting validation - I could go on.

Now I’m older, I’d have no problem telling you to piss off to be honest. In the most kindest way OP, you need to get a life.

This is the exact reason why I am so grateful to permanently work from home.

Must stop responding to posters who post only once.

This is the 3rd or 4th thread she’s started and abandoned.

Ah I just looked. Yes typical ridiculous pattern of blathering on for paragraphs and paragraphs in the first post and then ignoring all answers.

I dont understand why people do this, what a pointless waste of time

Plopper?! 😂 Indeed! I didn’t realise there was a term for it.

@Poopyredpink

In all seriousness, is this the case? This may explain the difficulty with social rules and boundaries? They need updating now you’re in the working world maybe?

You sound a bit of a drama lama. I would not want hugs at work. Just professional and courteous behaviour. They are probably quite relieved you pulled back. Just get on with your own job and be polite and civil. It can be a mistake to get too deeply involved with colleagues.