AIBU to step back from work friendships after feeling ignored?

[Poopyredpink]

I have two guy friends from work. Years differ in age...one younger and the other much older. Ive known them for over a year and I consider them my friends. However, Im thinking of stepping away now to gauge whether they either see me as part of their work friend circle or just another member of the team. As in...they wont bat an eyelid if I left.

I give them hugs everyday, I greet them everyday, ask them how they are, play pranks on them from time to time, check on their well-being when they're feeling down, helping them with their work, and just having casual talks and sharing laughs. I feel happy and relaxed when I am with them, the same with all my other friends at work. However, the past 2 weeks, Ive noticed that the younger one's attitude changed towards me...less talk, less engagement, doesn't smile as often, and speaks to his other long term friends more. I checked in on him and he said that he was fine, I asked him if we were cool and if I made him feel uncomfortable and he said no...if I did, he would tell me.

The older one is a hit and miss. He only ever comes to me when he is in a good mood but he never mentions to me what's bothering him when he is in a bad mood. He will only go as far as telling me if he is mad, annoyed, tired, etc. But I would hear him talk about what is bothering him with others like it was nothing. He does ask me if I am okay when I look down but doesn't ask me what's wrong or offers a listening ear. Same as the other guy. What really made me question our friendship was when I went to them and asked them when their birthdays were because I wanted to get them something when it arrives. They both said they didn't know each other's birthdays and joked that they had forgotten theirs and left it at that. They never had problems receiving things from me before...I even got them some Christmas presents during the holidays because I wanted to so I found it odd that they didn't want to disclose their birthdays to me when I know that they had a few people from work who knew their birthdays. I didn't want to ask their other friends because it felt like I was prying.

Yesterday and today, I decided to just not take the initiative to see how they might react to my change in attitude after a long period of me constantly approaching them first. I didn't go and hug them, I didn't go and ask how they were, I didn't do any of my usual stuff. They probably noticed but none of them came to check how I was. They didn't initiate a conversation when they passed me. Nothing. They just continued working. They looked at me from a distance and that was it. No hellos, no how are yous, no nothing. Im beginning to think that I was never really their friend. AIBU?

Are you neurodivergent?

It all sounds exhausting - how do you get any work done? I’m sure you’re very nice but seem a bit ‘full on’ for a work colleague.

Which type of workplace allows this type of behaviour?

Hugging could give rise to a sexual harassment claim in some workplaces

Please stop the hugs!

This made me very uncomfortable, I wouldn’t like it at all. You are too intense OP, they are not friends, they’re colleagues who want some space.

Ah ha, I see, the OP is a plopper.

Posts one post (the first one) and then doesn't return,

Nothing to see here..............

Jesus leave the poor blokes alone.

You sound too much and frankly both childish and unhinged. You shouldn't be hugging colleagues every day, and setting a little trap to see if they notice you pulling back is some juvenile shite.

Sorry OP, your intentions may be kind but you're too much at the work place. Actually, I would find you too much out of work too!

You shouldn't hug a work colleague, play pranks, be an agony aunt to them or even buy presents tbh. Secret Santa at Xmas is the norm! You should just be approachable and friendly when it comes to your actual work with work issues while at there and not overstep, nor seek friendships so forcefully. Your being upset and testing them shows that you're too invested, needy and they are not at all and, well your setting yourself up to fail. I bet this isn't the first time this has happened either. Sorry to be blunt.

Is this your first job ok? You sound incredibly young and full on. I've never worked anywhere where people do daily hugs, pranks, presents. You really need to back off before you find yourself in an hr meeting

Does sound a bit much tbh. But I disagree with the people who say work friends aren't proper friends. I've made some of my best mates at work, including the mate I used to share a place with.

I think people are more reserved in professional jobs because you generally have to maintain a 'corporate profile'. It's different in the construction sector. Workers will often stick together against the management as we're not really competing for promotions etc. Like, if things go wrong onsite and they ask us to stay late we'll all talk between ourselves before agreeing as it's much worse if you end up being the only one agreeing and have to pick up the slack.

Same if you squash something in the truck/machine. If you get on with the builders they'll just say "don't worry, we didn't see anything" or they'll just tell the boss it was one of the deliveries. A lot of the guys go for drinks after work etc and most of us try and stay in contact for future work - e.g. was told my contract on HS2 was being terminated on 31st March due to the lease on machines ending but within an hour I'd secured another to start on 1st April on same job with another contractor just by calling a mate I used to work with.

Ok but I don’t think she works in construction.

Reading a room not your strong point, then.

Wow why is everyone being so mean! The op is obviously asking for opinions and advice regarding work etiquette, not to be ripped to shreds, no wonder she hasn’t returned.

Why the hell are you going around hugging people at work. Just go sit down!

I’m good mates with some of my colleagues. We laugh, chat, go out for drinks after work etc.

What we don’t do is hug each other on a daily basis, play pranks on each other and insist on buying birthday presents. Not because we’re particularly corporate - we’re really not - but because anyone who behaves like that on a daily basis is colossally OTT and needs to calm the fuck down.

Do love a prank though. 😂 All in good nature though. One of the guys was moaning about staying late the other day despite having started three hours after the rest of us. Somebody wrapped his bottle of ketchup in duct tape and put it back in the fridge lol. I think it's having fun that makes it bearable.

I think you’re trying to hard to be liked, pull back a bit, be friendly but not ott. Remember they are work colleagues, not family.

But people often talk about 'work environments' as if we all work in an office. Granted, I may have waffled on a bit there though.

I’m all for a prank in the right circumstances but why did they wrap his ketchup bottle in tape?

These are work colleagues not your friends and actually your behaviour could land you in trouble so I suggest you back off

OP you sound like you're still at school, aged around 13. You probably get on their nerves. Just calm yourself and stop being so needy. If I worked with someone who wanted to hug me every day, I'd tell them to leave me alone.
You're at work, be professional.

I'm surprised you haven't faced disciplinary proceedings for your ott and intrusive behaviours. If anyone at my place of work attempted to hug me I would definitely complain to HR. Your workplace relationships sound highly inappropriate.

Hi OP,

Some of your behaviour does sound a bit intense, but please don't take any comments to heart - you sound like a lovely, kind and warm person who has the very best of intentions. The world could do with more of those right now.

It might help people give you more useful advice if we could understand more about the context.

How old are you? Roughly, if you don't feel comfortable to say

Do you work in quite a physical work place (as in, not in an office job)?

Also, is there anything else that could be helpful to know about you as a person or your background that means you do sometimes struggle a bit socially?

Do you have friends or other kinds of company and support outside of work?

I'm guessing your colleagues felt relieved when you backed off. They didn't interact with you in case it set you off like a duracell bunny with your chat/hugs/pranks

Leave them alone

I'm sure they will like you much more if you simply say hello and do your job

I’m sure the OP didn’t mean offence, however the men clearly found it difficult. I find that a principle of don’t touch someone unless you know it is very welcome at that actual moment is a good one to live by.

I work with a couple of tactile people and it drives me mad. I explain politely that I don’t like it but they still do it. I have had to resort to being rude at times

in a work environment people shouldn’t be hugging each others

Gosh, I hope I never have a colleague like you! hugs? Pranks? Gifts? Questions about my well-being? No wonder they are avoiding you, and probably very relieved you finally left them in peace! Get a life, please OP... outside work!!