I can’t cope with DD2s constant complaining anymore

[Bingbangbongbosh]

Hi all,

I have 3 DC, my eldest D1 is 23, she has a different dad from my other 2 children and she now lives abroad. I then have DD2 who is 17 and DS who is 15. Their dad and I got divorced 6 years ago.

Over the last 6 months I have found DD2 incredibly difficult to live with, she is constantly putting herself down, the rest of the family down and generally just being impossible to manage. She’s in Y12, she did well in her GCSEs and was a happy kid prior to this.

The first thing is she is obsessed with her looks, I think she is beautiful, but she is insistent she is ugly, fat and it’s my fault as I chose to have her with her “ugly” dad. This results in her constantly comparing herself to her sister. My older daughter is tall and skinny, she always has been but she’s also very active and eats well. Her dad is Spanish and she got her skin tone from him. DD2 is forever (I mean daily) saying she hates me for having her with an ugly man, it’s not fair that DD1 is prettier etc. I try to tell her she is stunning and she needs to stop being so harsh on herself and I’m sure DD1 has insecurities too, but she doesn’t listen. She is a little overweight, this is mainly as she is very lazy, she gets the bus to school even though it’s only a 30 minute walk, she eats crap at lunch time even if I offer to help pack her a lunch she just uses money her dad gives her to go to Greggs or McDonalds.

The next issue is DD1 has a Spanish passport from her dad, she’s currently living and working in Portugal as a result. DD2 is constantly telling me how unfair it is she doesn’t have an EU passport and is trapped here, she gets quite angry at me, like it was my choice!

She’s also very messy, her room is a constant mess, I’ve banned food from upstairs but she just sneaks it up in her backpack so the floor is covered in clothes, wrappers and general rubbish.

In addition to all this, she keeps putting DS down saying no one likes him, people think he’s weird/geeky etc. I have told her to stop saying this but she doesn’t listen. It’s hard to punish her as her dad pays her phone so I can’t remove it without causing an argument with him about how I have no right to do that.

She also never keeps to curfew, if I ban her from going out she just goes to her dads and he lets her out. Any conversation with him about her behaviour is met with she’s fine with me and I will parent her however I like when she is with me.

She keeps threatening me anytime I tell her off, saying she will just move in with her dad permanently! I’m so tempted to say fine do so! The constant moaning, comparing and breaking of rules is getting me down, it upsets DS and my older DD has said she hates coming home when she knows DD2 is there as she is just going to be called stupid, too skinny, and be moaned at.

AIBU to be at my wits end with her? Should I let her go stay with her dad and see if he can sort this more than I can?

Poor love sounds deeply unhappy

It’s tricky. She’s clearly got self esteem at rock bottom and she’s taking it out on you. Honestly it sounds like she needs therapy.

You really can't let her talk to her brother the way she does, that will affect his self esteem

Therapy again!

Why is the answer to everything therapy?

I am wondering the same.Therapy for a grumpy, cheeky teen, I've heard it all. So she can ruminate and blame her parents for being so horrible merely human.

I do wonder how people on here get through life without constant validation and therapy!

She sounds insufferable. How dare she be so rude about people?! Next time she says anything about her dad being ugly I’d tell her I was calling him and she can tell him what she thinks. Next time she says anything about her sister’s weight I’d say it’s probably because she’s active and doesn’t overeat. And as for her brother, I would tell her to stop or she’ll have to move out. He shouldn’t have to put up with being abused by her. Call her bluff OP, and if her dad is not backing you up then tell him exactly what she is saying.

Might help someone with, let’s say an alcohol problem or painkiller addiction, but they aren’t aware of the severity of the issue but it manifests itself as behaviours that you would dismiss as just needing validation @IwishIcouldconfess

She sounds intolerable.
Tell her to go stay with her "ugly" dad if that's what she wants to do.
I feel sorry for your two other children having to put up with her.

Crazy the number of posters saying to kick this 17yo out, but on the thread about the mum who was pregnant to baby no. 6 and the 17yo lived with his dad, she had abandoned him and was a terrible mother.

Flippin heck, I wouldn't tolerate behaviour like that from a 7 year old. At 17 she would be getting my size 8 up her backside!
We are all unhappy at times, it doesn't give us a free pass to behave like a complete arsehole at home.
I would sit her down and talk to her, tell her she improves (talks to you and siblings with respect, cleans her cesspit of a room, generally becomes pleasant to be around) or she will be going to 'ugly' dad's and staying there.
If no improvement within a week off to dad's she goes.

Can you not see any difference between the two situations?

I doubt she does "let" her, but she does it anyway.

Some of this is normal teen.
messy room - meh.
she is obviously quite unhappy though.

i’d be inclined to try to keep dd2 and DS separate if she keeps being nasty to him - I suspect he doesn’t spend much time with her anyway if she’s coming out with that sort of stuff.

I’d be inclined to listen to her and just say that you’ll support her in her goals - don’t give solutions just say that you want her to be happy as an adult and you’ll do what you can to help be achieve her goals.

tends to refocus towards positive action but teens can whinge for England

Of course. Can you see any similarities?

Because some people do need it. You have no idea what people on here have been through in their lives. It's bizarre that you would just assume people on here aren't in need of it at times. Counselling or Therapy is a valid resource.

I can see how this teen comes across but your generalisation of counselling and who needs it is riddiculous

Let her go and live with her ugly Dad.

she Sounds deeply unhappy and insecure. People do compare themselves to other people, especially same sex siblings. If your oldest is attractive, looks like she has her life in order and has the big benefit of free movement in Europe then I can see why she’d be annoyed/ jealous - whether it’s logical or not. There’s not a lot she can do about some of those things but there’s lots she can control. Focus on those things and maybe try and get her support.

If you asked her why she is so unhappy, what would she say?

It's tempting to dismiss teens as just stupid or ungrateful or hormonal, and yes they are basically children in nearly adult bodies, but very often they do actually have a legitimate grievance and they act out because they don't have a coping mechanism for it, being so young, or the adults don't want to listen or take it seriously. Not saying that's what's happening here, but it's possible, and we'll never know if rhe default is "just fuck her off, she's only a teenager, nothing she feels matters".

On a side note, it can't be helping that nowadays teens are virtually forced to see their reflection, or flaws as many will perceive them, on a daily basis whether they want to or not. No wonder some girls are spiralling, turning in on themselves and lashing out. What to do about it though 😔

@Bingbangbongbosh you could say yes if you were born with a different farther you would be a completely different person too

or when you have discussions do a yes no type of questions and answers

Jess Christ, tell her enough with the fucking pity party!
Tell her she isn’t ugly but her attitude towards you and her family sure as hell is, and it’s no longer going to be tolerated.

Behave like a whiny brat, get treated like a whiny brat. She has absolutely NOTHING to complain about, very few 17 year olds have high self esteem, tell her to get a grip on herself FFS.

She’s obviously comparing herself very negatively to her older sister. Hence the green eyed monster and perhaps this is also fuelling her meanness towards her brother. In any case, she could do with bolstering as well as some consequences for bad behaviour. Taking about her as a person and her individuality in a positive way and steering her away from discussions around looks.

Are you in counselling?