Just so tired of being judged

[Dazedandconfused28]

We bought a house from a relative 3 years ago in a rural area partly to be close to family & mostly to support my son's needs, as he is non verbal & profoundly disabled - this house is all on one level and has a large enclosed garden, so he has space. It needed a lot of work and we're getting there slowly, as we can afford it.

I admit I'm not naturally the tidiest person - but I have always taken pride in where I live. Since having DS and now a baby this has somewhat fallen by the wayside. DS cannot be left unattended or he tips food/drink etc everywhere. Today it was a tub of hot chocolate, which he then mixed with water and smeared everywhere. Yesterday it was the contents of my make up bag. Before anyone mentions it - we have tried locks on cupboards etc - but he has broken the doors off. He pulls his sheets off the bed every day (we use clips) - he pulls all the cushions off the sofa, floods the bathroom, throws toilet rolls down the loo - it is very difficult to keep the house in a fit state and, truth be told, it makes me miserable every day - we do what we can, and I have to just accept it at some point. I'm also caring for my Mum who has advancing dementia at the moment - so I'm probably not doing enough.

Part of the issue is that my DH's family call round unannounced & always with a judgemental comment, turned up nose or they'll make some hilarious joke about 'how we can possibly live like this', I hate being judged and made a joke of in this way, and I wouldn't live like this if ai had a choice. It makes me panic when I hear them arrive. The thing is, I would never dream of making rude comments like they do or risk upsetting someone. They all know what we're currently contending with - and I just can't guarantee DS won't have caused carnage before they turn up.

I know I'm being ultra sensitive, but I find myself on the brink of tears around them & have no idea how best to deal with it without being confrontational .

They sound like complete dicks. Do they actually do anything to help you?

Pressed YABU by mistake. You are clearly not. Even without extenuating circumstances, how dare they?

You’re not being ultra-sensitive at all. You’re just heroically dealing with two different very difficult sets of circumstances! I’d be completely upfront (and rude, if necessary) with visitors making remarks about tidiness. Suggest they roll their sleeves up and get mopping up hot chocolate, or spend 24 hours closely supervising your son. And that, if they’re not up for that, that they keep schtum or cease visiting. 💐

Your DH should be coming down on them like a ton of bloody bricks.

They sound dreadful. Get DH to tell them NO MORE unannounced visits.

You’re definitely not unreasonable. Next time they turn up announced say this isn’t a good time for us and don’t let them in. Keep doing this until they get the message.

DH should be messaging his parents saying “Unless you’re popping over to help us tidy and with the kids as you know we’re struggling - please do not turn up announced and judge us for the state of our home. Thanks”

I actually couldn't bear for anyone to help, as I feel mortified enough as it is.

I often wonder what the point is in trying to keep on top of it, as DS is so destructive.

On top of this, circumstances mean I'm very isolated, so I'd love nothing more than for people to pop in for a cup of tea/ glass of wine - they just manage to make me feel like total shit.

I get it its really hard work i have a severely autistic non verbal teen, who is extremely destructive and also obsessed with running water which doesnt help
I just try and keep on top of things when hes at school but its not easy ,
We do have respite now ( its taken years )
We get four overnights a month which helps
No suggestions really just wanted to offer some solidarity.

If I had a family member who was going through all what you do on a daily basis, I wouldn't judge, I'd offer help. Even if its small.

You might not be ready for that help but I'd at least keep offering and not making you feel bad.

I think that in order to combat the loneliness you need to accept help. Maybe the in laws are commenting as you won’t let them help and they are gently nudging. I would accept their help x and accept help with DS. Please for your sanity

Do they have a key? My MIL is like this - and I'm not dealing with half of what you are, but she would turn up e.g. immediately after lunch when I hadn't yet cleared the table as I was putting the baby down for a nap, and DS was playing in the living room so there was lego all over the floor, and would make little snidey comments, or offer unsolicited solutions to problems that weren't there, or "help" by going into our bedroom to snoop around tidy up or by planting some of my houseplants into the garden to die.
I stopped answering the door to her and eventually she stopped coming over.
I'm polite when I see her, but I don't make an effort to have a relationship, and I don't ask her for anything in the way of childcare etc.
I feel for you, OP.

I once told mil she knew where the door was if she wasn't happy with the condition of our home. I had recently had dc7 ffs!!
Deep breath and hand them a cloth /vaccum cleaner.. Tell them to crack on or fuck off.
And mean it op..
But honestly no shame in getting a cleaner..
*cleaner here and I would be more than happy to assist knowing it gave you more time with your ds..
It certainly isn't because you are lazy at all!

It doesn't sound like they're offering to help though? Just passing judgement.
There's nothing more lonely than opening your home to someone hoping for some love and acceptance, and just receiving snide comments instead.

You have a profoundly disabled child, you're caring for your mum and now on top of everything else you have a new baby.

If you're offered help from anyone I think you should take it.

I get that you need company, but you need to make it clear to callers that comments on your house's tidiness are unwelcome and uncalled for -- I don't think you should need to think you have to 'pay' for company by putting up in silence with witless judgementalism, by people who surely know better? I mean, they know about your DS's disability and behaviours, right? They know you're caring for your mother with dementia? It's not that they're labouring under the delusion that you lie around on the sofa scoffing toast and watching daytime TV rather than running around after your son and caring for your mum?

Is it only your DH's family? Why?

I think you need some more help with your son and mum. You’re obviously doing your best but this is a complex situation and it sounds like he might need 1-1 care TBH. And ideally some kind of help with communication etc so he can start to express his needs. If it’s bad now imagine what it will be like when he’s 13. Get help in and get him into “the system” asap.

Ditto your mum, you have enough on your plate so you can’t be her carer. Not fair on her or your kids. Make sure she has a plan on getting help in and when she might need to move into supported living etc and be clear about what you can and can’t offer.

As for the family, it is perfectly acceptable not to answer the door to them and text that it’s not a good time. If you’d like company what about leaving your DH in charge and going out for an evening or meeting on neutral territory. I’d also get a cleaner once a week.

Drop your DS off with the in laws for weekend.

I just want to acknowledge how intense and difficult your situation is. Well done on even getting through the days with everybody reasonably sane. You're doing an incredible job, OP x

I second this!

THIS!!!!

Isn’t it strange, people who judge are rarely the type that will think to offer any help?

Unfortunately its not as simple to get him into the system
My son is 16 in a few months with similar disabilities We do have a package of respite care now including 4 overnight, s a month but its tsken years to get this
When he was the Ops sons age all he got was one day a week in a special needs holiday club during the school holidays
Respite and whsts available is very area dependent too.

Yes this.

This would be a problem whatever the state of the house.

Just to update - DS is very much in the system & we have all the help which is currently available to us (which sadly isn't very much). My Dh's stepmum would offer help, but the last time it was alongside a comment 'I, for one, couldn't live like this!' and I just can't bear it.

I think I am mainly struggling with the feeling that the state of our house is perceived as a moral failing. I am a good friend and DIL & fight hard for my son. There is more to me than how tidy my house is :(

My in-laws were exactly the same. We told them to let us know they were coming in future because it go too much, my MIL then threw a tantrum and said “I’m not making an appointment to se MY family”, carried on turning up unannounced so we just stopped answering the door. The first time I did that I felt awful. She then started yelling through the letterbox and making a massive scene. It got easier to ignore her knocks after that because we knew we had made the right decision!

It’s horrible welcoming people into your home and then being judged and treated like crap. You are not unreasonable at all.