Just so tired of being judged

[Dazedandconfused28]

We bought a house from a relative 3 years ago in a rural area partly to be close to family & mostly to support my son's needs, as he is non verbal & profoundly disabled - this house is all on one level and has a large enclosed garden, so he has space. It needed a lot of work and we're getting there slowly, as we can afford it.

I admit I'm not naturally the tidiest person - but I have always taken pride in where I live. Since having DS and now a baby this has somewhat fallen by the wayside. DS cannot be left unattended or he tips food/drink etc everywhere. Today it was a tub of hot chocolate, which he then mixed with water and smeared everywhere. Yesterday it was the contents of my make up bag. Before anyone mentions it - we have tried locks on cupboards etc - but he has broken the doors off. He pulls his sheets off the bed every day (we use clips) - he pulls all the cushions off the sofa, floods the bathroom, throws toilet rolls down the loo - it is very difficult to keep the house in a fit state and, truth be told, it makes me miserable every day - we do what we can, and I have to just accept it at some point. I'm also caring for my Mum who has advancing dementia at the moment - so I'm probably not doing enough.

Part of the issue is that my DH's family call round unannounced & always with a judgemental comment, turned up nose or they'll make some hilarious joke about 'how we can possibly live like this', I hate being judged and made a joke of in this way, and I wouldn't live like this if ai had a choice. It makes me panic when I hear them arrive. The thing is, I would never dream of making rude comments like they do or risk upsetting someone. They all know what we're currently contending with - and I just can't guarantee DS won't have caused carnage before they turn up.

I know I'm being ultra sensitive, but I find myself on the brink of tears around them & have no idea how best to deal with it without being confrontational .

She moved to support her mum I think? She clearly has little support!

Tell them you really hate living like this and would very much appreciate their help, but if that’s not forthcoming then they should keep their opinions to themselves as their negativity is making you dread their visits.

We bought a house from a relative 3 years ago in a rural area partly to be close to family & mostly to support my son's needs,

Better yet…. Her husband should talk to his family about it. Unfathomable he hasn’t already

I was pretty sure that’s why they’d moved, to support her mum, not to be supported by the in laws.

Op this sounds mad but next time they sneer just say ‘well can you help then? The x needs doing’. I mean it- I’d find it insanely hard to say but they need to hear it snf you need to say it.

They moved to support her mum who’s unwell and to provide better living arrangements for their son. I

He doesn’t need to hear the comments to believe his wife.

And the man needs to learn to communicate so want to flare up and cause problems.

This is very simple - please don’t comment on the house, @Dazedandconfused28 is up to her eye balls with the children and you’re not helping matters

Oh - Given the profound and all consuming needs of the OP’s DS and also a baby, I wouldn’t have thought for a minute that he OP moved to also to take on caring responsibility for her dementia stricken mother too. Apologies, my mistake

Sorry in my OP I said we moved 'to support my son's needs' - I can see how that might be misconstrued, I meant the environment/ space supports his needs - I didn't expect family to step in

@Justapausereally you have completely misunderstood the meaning of the above.

So you hadn’t read the full thread?

Could you bring yourself to reply I.have a child with disabilities, a baby and no help. I'm doing the best i can and it hurts me when you criticise me

Correct. I have. Not for one minute would I have someone with a child with such profound and encompassing needs, plus a baby, could also be balanced with caring responsibilities for a dementia sufferer.

as someone who did care for a dementia sufferer and at the time didn’t have children - mind blowing

apologies

I am beyond outraged on your behalf. We have a very similar situation - my 11 year old has profound learning disabilities and every day is an exercise in self preservation and crisis management.

Those in-laws should be in silent awe of you and the AMAZING job you are doing in what can only be described as impossible circumstances. How very dare they say anything except "we are so incredibly grateful for the care you give to our grandchildren".

Feel free to drop me a private message, even just for a bit of moral support. If I lived even vaguely close to you I'd happily pop over, pour you some tea, tell you how amazing you are, and help you with whatever chaos has come your way that day (which is what your in laws should be doing whenever they pop over, in my opinion). I am AWFUL at asking for help, but SEN parents/carers need to stick together. I'll also happily read your in-laws the riot act and tell them how incredibly lucky they are to have a woman like you care for their grandchild.

You have not killed your extremely rude in laws - you are not in jail. Your son is safe, you are keeping a small baby alive. You have relocated a whole family. You are supporting your elderly mum. You are objectively amazing. The state of the carpets in your house has nothing to do with the above assessment. Sending love.

This sounds very balanced, I think they would be mortified - but perhaps it's needed.

I need to face the discomfort and stand up for myself.

I want to cry reading this & for all the kind comments I have received

No!!! Don’t add stress to yourself

Your bloody dh needs to

They sound awful. You’re doing your best under very difficult circumstances and real families would just offer to help and not bloody comment.

my ds has a profoundly disabled dc and I’ve been over last weekend for a planned visit. Just before I got there my lovely grandchild poo smeared. I offer to bath him while ds cleans poo. I mean ffs who would just sit there and be judgy.

tell dh that you want no more unplanned visits too.

I agree with this.

I hadn't wanted to give detail - but that's exactly what DS does & it's impossible to manage - I feel awful on his behalf that people witness him do this.

The other day he continuously spat his dinner down the sofa (fun sensory activity) - telling him off is meaningless & giving him a big reaction means he is encouraged to do it again - so people think I'm being permissive. MIL helpfully said 'it's just I would never have let my boys do that'

Well no but then her children were not profoundly disabled
You have
to change your mindset when you have children like ours
And adapt your parenting to meet their needs
Unless you live ,nobody can fully understand

Genuine question, why would you be such a twat to someone who is probably coping with more in her day to day life than you could imagine? Do you have a severely disabled, non verbal child with destructive tendencies? A mum with advanced dementia? I assume you must have, if you feel qualified to have such strong opinions on what the OP is doing wrong in those circumstances?

Have you read my other posts??

What on Earth does your MIL do when she comes round? Like what is she coming round for?? I presume she’s not helping and she’s not seeing her son as he’s out so is she just coming round to say knobbish things?

I agree with PP you are an absolute hero and it’s gone high time you replied “I am caring for a disabled child, a baby and my mother with dementia - it’s a miracle everyone is alive and nothing is on fire. If you’re worried about how things are here please roll up your sleeves and give me a hand.”