Just so tired of being judged

[Dazedandconfused28]

We bought a house from a relative 3 years ago in a rural area partly to be close to family & mostly to support my son's needs, as he is non verbal & profoundly disabled - this house is all on one level and has a large enclosed garden, so he has space. It needed a lot of work and we're getting there slowly, as we can afford it.

I admit I'm not naturally the tidiest person - but I have always taken pride in where I live. Since having DS and now a baby this has somewhat fallen by the wayside. DS cannot be left unattended or he tips food/drink etc everywhere. Today it was a tub of hot chocolate, which he then mixed with water and smeared everywhere. Yesterday it was the contents of my make up bag. Before anyone mentions it - we have tried locks on cupboards etc - but he has broken the doors off. He pulls his sheets off the bed every day (we use clips) - he pulls all the cushions off the sofa, floods the bathroom, throws toilet rolls down the loo - it is very difficult to keep the house in a fit state and, truth be told, it makes me miserable every day - we do what we can, and I have to just accept it at some point. I'm also caring for my Mum who has advancing dementia at the moment - so I'm probably not doing enough.

Part of the issue is that my DH's family call round unannounced & always with a judgemental comment, turned up nose or they'll make some hilarious joke about 'how we can possibly live like this', I hate being judged and made a joke of in this way, and I wouldn't live like this if ai had a choice. It makes me panic when I hear them arrive. The thing is, I would never dream of making rude comments like they do or risk upsetting someone. They all know what we're currently contending with - and I just can't guarantee DS won't have caused carnage before they turn up.

I know I'm being ultra sensitive, but I find myself on the brink of tears around them & have no idea how best to deal with it without being confrontational .

Other people dont get it
If your son is anything like mine i could clean all day everyday but ones hes home from school hes like a tornado ripping through the house
As long as its hygienic you are doing ok.

@Dazedandconfused28 sounds like you have a lot going on at the moment, but it sounds like you are also judging yourself a bit harshly somewhere in all of this.

You can't change your in-laws. You could ask them to give you the heads up, or you could even say to them that if they want to come over and feel like posh visitors, not family, then they need to give you the heads up, so you can make time to tidy up for them! But you could also be really kind to yourself and not jump into what you think is their perception of you. If you are happy with your home, then that is all that matters. It is your home after all and you are the one living in it. Their opinions are their opinions and actually don't really mean anything, unless you let them mean something.

Be yourself, be happy and relaxed in your own home and anyone who wants to visit you and is rude enough to comment, well that's on them and nothing to do with you!

Well, they probably couldn't live like you are -- you wouldn't have thought you could have either, until you had to. If you let her help, and let her see how the carefully mopped floor often becomes covered in splattered hot chocolate after five minutes, and the plumped sofa cushions land back on the ground, maybe it will encourage her to shut up with the unhelpful comments? And perhaps spread the world to the rest of the family that, even if you spent 22 hours out of 24 replacing, cleaning, moping, replacing, it's not going to result in some kind of Mrs Hinch look?

I., for one, think you sound like someone dealing admirably with a difficult situation not of your choosing.

Jeez. They sound awful, what does your husband say about this behaviour?

At this point I would have to respond flippantly at best (rudely at worst) and say something like, “oh really? I for one DREAMED of spending my adult life caring for a nonverbal disabled child AND my mum with dementia, living in a shit tip like this because I literally have no time when I’m not either preventing more destruction or actually providing care, while those who purport to love and support me judge and criticise- this is literally everything I hoped for” while holding back tears. I’d probably follow up with a manic laugh and then “so if you don’t appreciate it, fuck off back to your own perfect life in your own perfect house and carry on judging me from there.”

Why do you owe someone like that anything, least of all politeness!?

OP you are a hero.

I think you need a line prepared for when it next happens.

'I'm dealing with a really different and at times very difficult model of family life here - can you see that?'

Mumsnet favourite

'Wow - did you mean to be so rude?'

and/or

'I find these comments so hurtful when I'm dealing with so much'

And if they don't respond with kindness, understanding and apologies don't make them welcome.

@x2boysThis is it, exactly. He is also uncontainable - he won't even sit & watch TV, he is constantly tearing through the house, flooding it, smearing on the walls etc. I try to keep it hygienic, but that's about it.

This last weekend I threw out 70% of my clothes (most of which I wouldn't wear anyway, as I don't really have occasion to
go out & don't work any more) just so I don't add to the mountain of laundry. DS gets through about 7 sets of clothes at the moment a day, so it is never ending.

When MIL called round last time she just proclaimed how she has always made laundry a priority & can't bear piles of it anywhere in her own house.

I know I could do more during the day - but I am overwhelmed & want to give time to my baby & sometimes just do nothing.

that sounds horrible, OP - but you have 2 children now so your backbone needs extra stiffening.

Learn to say "oh glad you're here, the toys go in that box/the cleaning materials are in this cupboard/here's the vacuum" that sort of thing

This.

You have very tough challenges. They are unreasonable, rude and frankly shouldn't be invited since they make you feel worse and tearful. DH needs to sort his family manners.

It’s rude to say it out loud, of course. Especially to someone with so much on their plate.
However, is it just things that had just happened - dc spilled something today- or is it mess and clutter that has been accumulating for a while? There’s an element of things getting worse while people getting more accustomed to it and noticing less.
I think you need to be honest with yourself and get help in any way you can (cleaner or dh’s step mum). Living in a clean environment is good for your mental and physical health and something your dc deserve to have most days.

Yes - this.

And - 'Fantastic - since you mentioned laundry - can you get through this pile whilst you are here'

Where is your DH in this, you've hardly mentioned him?Why is he standing back and letting his family make you feel like you do?

You're doing the best you can. Sounds a very difficult situation for you.
Do you actually want his family to turn up unannounced, or prefer to say tomorrow at 1ish?
It's ok to set a boundary.
My in laws used to do the exact same then comment on the state of the house - when we had a newborn.
We told them to please call before they came. They refused to listen. We either said "sorry, nows not a good time" which they didn't like, or just ignored the doorbell.
They eventually got the message and made us all feel a lot calmer.

What does your DH say or do when his family speak to you like this or make these unwelcome comments?

Well of course you do it can be exhausting
You are allowed to rest during the day.

You are a hero as far as I'm concerned. Managing all of that! ❤️ I wouldn't let them in myself but appreciate that can be easier said than done.

Oh OP please don’t feel like you’re failing, or being ultra sensitive .. you’re not! Your in-laws sound awful! You are clearly living a very difficult life with incredibly difficult, stressful circumstances. My heart goes out to you ❤️ You sound like you’re doing your best, you sound amazing, sending some hugs 🤗🤗

Quite honestly, if anyone offers help, I’d let them - then they’ll see exactly what you’re up against. If they say any remarks about can’t live like this etc, I’d be coming back with “I find it very difficult too, but I’m doing my best for my beautiful babies” or “please don’t say that when you haven’t walked in my shoes”.

Please don’t judge yourself, be kind to yourself 💐💐

Clearly you have never had a severely disabled child have you ?
Have you had a toddler?
You know how much mess a toddler makes well imagine the mess a bigger child csn make who has the cognitive ability of a toddler?

So say 'Oh, I'm so glad you said that about laundry -- there's an overflowing basket in the utility room you can get on with!'

I don’t answer the door to poppers in…

You’re not being unreasonable. I have the same from my family. I have an almost 3 year old with additional needs (suspected autism but still waiting for diagnosis). He can’t be left for a minute and doesn’t let me do anything. He does afternoons in nursery and I usually clean then, except now I also have a new baby who’s only 10 days old that I’ve been feeding and pumping for round the clock as she’s had issues with weight gain. All week I’ve had family insisting on coming round to see her only to make me feel horrible about myself because my house is untidy. These people have offered no help or support whatsoever, yet they feel entitled to demand to see my children and then judge me for not being able to do everything perfectly right now. It’s very frustrating.

Could you get your DH to ask his mum to help with your family's laundry. Then that's at least one job off your plate (without having listen to her tut about it.) The sheer amount you are needing to do for DS might also give her a better insight in to how hard you are working everyday just to keep your head above water.

I think you sound amazing.

They sound awful, OP. Please don't let them make you feel bad about yourself. Life is just really hard sometimes, and those who don't get it, will never get it. They're never going to be your mates, so I think I would have to start being blunt - next time someone says they're always on top of laundry, say, 'how marvellous, that pile over there needs to go in the washing machine, thanks!' Next time someone comments on mess etc., point out the things they can be getting on with - 'the downstairs toilet's clogged this morning, MIL; thanks for sorting that out for me so I can feed the baby' etc.

Is your partner dealing with them or passively allowing this?

She sounds like a bitch OP and you are good for not telling her to fuck off.

People who are not in your position cannot even begin to imagine what your day to day life is like. My daughter has additional needs and it’s been a battle for me with some of my family members for them to understand my life and it’s like talking to a brick wall.

Are your children, fed, loved, warm etc? I imagine they are and that’s the most important thing.

Give yourself some grace you sound like a fab mum who is doing it all alone AND you are looking after your mum.

Who’s looking after you OP?

Ps tell your in laws to fuck off and if they don’t like your house they don’t have to show up!

Bless you, you're doing an amazing job for your son. That would be stressful for anyone. Your in-laws are insensitive idiots. I would write them a letter telling them what you've said here. How you feel. That you too would love a tidier home, that every minute of the day you're fire fighting, playing catch up with your son. How sad you feel with the comments they make. Shame on them.