Just so tired of being judged

[Dazedandconfused28]

We bought a house from a relative 3 years ago in a rural area partly to be close to family & mostly to support my son's needs, as he is non verbal & profoundly disabled - this house is all on one level and has a large enclosed garden, so he has space. It needed a lot of work and we're getting there slowly, as we can afford it.

I admit I'm not naturally the tidiest person - but I have always taken pride in where I live. Since having DS and now a baby this has somewhat fallen by the wayside. DS cannot be left unattended or he tips food/drink etc everywhere. Today it was a tub of hot chocolate, which he then mixed with water and smeared everywhere. Yesterday it was the contents of my make up bag. Before anyone mentions it - we have tried locks on cupboards etc - but he has broken the doors off. He pulls his sheets off the bed every day (we use clips) - he pulls all the cushions off the sofa, floods the bathroom, throws toilet rolls down the loo - it is very difficult to keep the house in a fit state and, truth be told, it makes me miserable every day - we do what we can, and I have to just accept it at some point. I'm also caring for my Mum who has advancing dementia at the moment - so I'm probably not doing enough.

Part of the issue is that my DH's family call round unannounced & always with a judgemental comment, turned up nose or they'll make some hilarious joke about 'how we can possibly live like this', I hate being judged and made a joke of in this way, and I wouldn't live like this if ai had a choice. It makes me panic when I hear them arrive. The thing is, I would never dream of making rude comments like they do or risk upsetting someone. They all know what we're currently contending with - and I just can't guarantee DS won't have caused carnage before they turn up.

I know I'm being ultra sensitive, but I find myself on the brink of tears around them & have no idea how best to deal with it without being confrontational .

I would ask his oh-so-lovely parents to take DS to their house for an afternoon / day. I know you likely would never be able to leave him with them, and the suggestion isnt even serious, but perhaps the thought of having him in their home would make them second guess their judgement as to why your house isn't a show home 24/7.

Seriously, where do these people get off in dragging down their relatives who they already know are struggling. I swear a lot of older people are just like this (not trying to justify). I worked with a woman who's step daughter had a baby at 19 and was struggling due to the father leaving after a few months of her being born. She ditched about her to me on a number of occasions, saying how the house is always a mess and she doesnt open the curtains until late morning. How one time she was minding the baby and noticed a rash on her that her she decided to treat herself. She told her step daughter if she ever saw another untreated rash on the baby she would call SS. It absolutely disgusted me to hear her say this, when the poor girl clearly needed support. Baffles me more when its a relative.

Sorry for the tangent, just wanted you to know that you are not alone. You sound like you're doing a great job. Parenting is hard, but parenting kids with disabilities / SEN is not for the faint-hearted. If you're a good mum first, dont worry about your house not being perfect all the time, as long as your home is a happy one then ignore these old farts, or better yet just don't let them in.

Is your MIL coming round to see the baby OP? If so I would give her the baby and say oh lovely, if you could see to the baby I can get on with stuff. If she's at your house she may as well be useful right? I have seen the destruction wrought by children with complex needs and to be honest you are doing magnificently. Definitely say something to your in-laws because at the moment they are making the situation worse and being no help at all.

Op I think your dh family are rude and ignorant anybody in their right mind would know it’s not a choice if you want them to just drop in and they judge you I would say hey I’m bloody stressed out as it is if anybody ever notices that you would not sit there and judge me in my own home. If you want to spend a few days in my shoes please feel free because I would love to tidy up and not see it trashed as soon as ds gets home none of you having a fucking clue how hard my life is so if you don’t like the mess please feel free to leave or help but don’t you dare judge me again. As for your dh you need to tell him his family are fucking awful to be around and if he wants to do a week in your shoes and see how hard your life is then he could understand how hurtful his family’s comments are. I would rather be isolated than have snobbish family visiting.

Next time they say 'how can you possibly live like this?' say 'Come round and live my life, caring for DS for 48 hours and you'l soon see how. Fancy trying it? I'll take myself off to a spa for a few days shall I? I could do with the break.'

Leave them to babysit for a full day and then maybe they'll get it. Or just threaten it - "one more remark like that and I'll leave him at your place for a weekend". They've been so rude to you, you don't owe them politeness.

Or else just tell them you need to call a halt to the unannounced visits. If they kick off, tell them what's good for the goose, etc - "maybe I'll drop in on you now and then, and bring ds - I'll put my feet up with a cuppa and you can demonstrate your techniques for stopping him trashing your house".

This - you are doing an amazing job under the most awful circumstances, family should be helping you not criticising, they can't be very nice people.
Sending you virtual hug.

That’s really shit of them, OP 💐

You poor woman. You sound a hell of a lot stronger than I would be in your situation. You’re obviously doing a brilliant job under the circumstances. Sending continued strength to you x

I’m so sorry that things are hard for you at the moment. Your PIL are very insensitive and I’d be reluctant to let them into the house, try telling them to let you know when they plan on visiting. Remind them of the saying “walk a mile in my shoes”. And try not to be too hard on yourself, you’re doing great