Just so tired of being judged

[Dazedandconfused28]

We bought a house from a relative 3 years ago in a rural area partly to be close to family & mostly to support my son's needs, as he is non verbal & profoundly disabled - this house is all on one level and has a large enclosed garden, so he has space. It needed a lot of work and we're getting there slowly, as we can afford it.

I admit I'm not naturally the tidiest person - but I have always taken pride in where I live. Since having DS and now a baby this has somewhat fallen by the wayside. DS cannot be left unattended or he tips food/drink etc everywhere. Today it was a tub of hot chocolate, which he then mixed with water and smeared everywhere. Yesterday it was the contents of my make up bag. Before anyone mentions it - we have tried locks on cupboards etc - but he has broken the doors off. He pulls his sheets off the bed every day (we use clips) - he pulls all the cushions off the sofa, floods the bathroom, throws toilet rolls down the loo - it is very difficult to keep the house in a fit state and, truth be told, it makes me miserable every day - we do what we can, and I have to just accept it at some point. I'm also caring for my Mum who has advancing dementia at the moment - so I'm probably not doing enough.

Part of the issue is that my DH's family call round unannounced & always with a judgemental comment, turned up nose or they'll make some hilarious joke about 'how we can possibly live like this', I hate being judged and made a joke of in this way, and I wouldn't live like this if ai had a choice. It makes me panic when I hear them arrive. The thing is, I would never dream of making rude comments like they do or risk upsetting someone. They all know what we're currently contending with - and I just can't guarantee DS won't have caused carnage before they turn up.

I know I'm being ultra sensitive, but I find myself on the brink of tears around them & have no idea how best to deal with it without being confrontational .

To be fair - most of the comments are directed at me, but if DH were to hear them he would probably respond with something extremely cutting in return & deeply offend them - I'm not sure I could cope with the tension to be honest, as I feel I'm on the brink most days in any case!

You are BU to give a toss what they think! I was thinking as long as you are keeping yourself and kids fed and healthy that's all that matters, as I look after my mum with dementia so I get the caring role you have. Then I read you are caring for your mum with dementia ON TOP of a baby and your son, you are a walking diamond. The fact you are juggling that all and still trying to keep your house tidy when you can is amazing and you should be so proud of yourself. I know how hard dementia caring is but your son sounds even harder. People that criticise, without offering any help at all needs to go flush their head down a toilet (that's my polite version). Please hold your head up high and stop answering the door to the in-laws until your husband has had a strong word with them about their rudeness!

I'm sorry your in-laws are so insensitive. I'd ban them from my house if they can't show basic kindness and respect.

This Ted Talk helped me - I have ADHD - late diagnosed - and have spent my whole life beating myself up for not being able to do everything perfectly, and being judged by others, but most of all myself, thinking I was a moral failure/lazy/irresponsible/immature, etc. This video helped me so much - she says:

'Care tasks are morally neutral'

@ChickenAndCustard

This is such a shame. Did you ever try to discuss it with her or did she ever ask why you stopped answering the door?

I would either ask them to let you know when they are coming or just be really honest with them. Next time they make a comment like it tell them that you are aware of it, you are trying your best and their comments hurt you.

You can change your vote. Just click on the other option.

Fuck them! Go on holiday and have them looking after your kids and mum in your house. I bet the nasty comments would stop after that

Two things op:

I know I'm being ultra sensitive, but I find myself on the brink of tears around them & have no idea how best to deal with it without being confrontational

First, you are not being ultra sensitive, they are being ultra rude, which gives you permission to be confrontational frankly.

You don’t have to scream or raise your voice, but straighten yourself up, breathe, look them in the eye, and say something like, “as you can see I am dealing with a challenging situation every day and if the state of our house is not to your liking then you can leave right now” or just say simply “if you don’t like it, feel free to leave”. Keep your eyes on the person you are talking to and let the silence hang in the air after you have spoken too, do not be tempted to fill it.

I was bullied by my in-laws for years, and I was so desperate in my twenties and early thirties for them to like me, but it was only when I had my dc and they started on them that I found the strength to stand up to them, and eventually I had to cut them off.

It was such a terrible source of unhappiness and stress and I couldn’t work out what I was doing wrong and looking back now I am much older, I can clearly see that my mil was the sort of person who simply enjoyed other’s discomfort. She actually respected me more when I challenged her and looking back now I’m much older, I don’t know why I tolerated her behaviour for so long. Probably because part of her manipulation tactics was to lecture on the importance of family; ironically! 😬

Op anyone who behaved in this way in your circumstances is obviously so blatantly out of line that I don’t understand why you are questioning yourself. Probably because you are like me and can’t quite comprehend the shock that anyone would behave like this, let alone those who are part of your family!

You do not need this extra stress. Please feel free to stand up for yourself and protect your own wellbeing and peace.

Second when you say;

I often wonder what the point is in trying to keep on top of it, as DS is so destructive. it’s an indication that you are really struggling mentally was well as practically and no wonder! You also say that you are also very isolated, I think it’s time to acknowledge that you do need help as this isolated life is not sustainable. Please believe me when I say that the best gift you can give your dc is treating yourself decently. I know there is scant help out there but if you are offered respite, please take it.

Sending strength op! You do not have to tolerate this absolutely appalling behaviour. You do not need permission to protect your mental peace when you are doing such an important and hard job.

Lastly, when you say that your dh would respond with a cutting comment, why are you stopping him? It’s not your job to control how he responds and it’s not your job to make everyone feel comfortable at a cost to yourself! You are being too controlling there op! First step is to allow your dh to defend you. He is right to do so. I am very much a family oriented person but it sounds like your dh has reason to react so forcefully.

I wouldn't let them in if they can't be civil to you.

They sound horrible.

I meant to say, it sounds like they pop in when they want? If that is the case, time to start putting some boundaries and limits around that. You deserve some times when you can just « be » without worrying about hearing their key in the door.

Two ways of dealing with this.

1. any criticism is taken as an offer for whatever help you would actually like. “Oh - that’s so kind of you! Yes - it is really hard with Jack being so high needs - I am struggling a bit so if you could pick him up and take him out for a couple of hours on Saturday then that would mean I could really whizz through the washing.”
2. Take every criticism as a compliment. “It is hard with a very high needs child, a baby and mum being so poorly. But I just have to get on with it so I do. It is amazing what you can do if you have to! You find the strength from somewhere! I’m sure you would to if you were ever really tested. But it is really kind of you to notice just how much I have on my plate.”

It’s okay to be confrontational sometimes. You should say what you said in your last paragraph and show that you’re upset. Decent people would be mortified. Shit people will roll their eyes and carry on. If their shit, you can reduce contact.

I feel for you OP , I had something very similar, I now have no
unannounced visits .. you sound amazing to be coping with your son and mum your husband should be having a word with his horrible family..

Well, so what? They're being cruel, unimaginative and tactless -- why would it be an issue with they were brought face to face with their own bad behaviour?

Sympathy. My eldest has asd/ adhd (more aspergers though) so was very much like this but luckily did grow out of it mostly by about 5. But i dont think people csn understand whose kids dont create havoc. (She still does create havoc but its mainly bedtimes).

Personally i dont get how parents are expected to just cope with what would be toddler behaviour but for years on end. The stress is immense. Its not about mess so much as trying to stop them injuring themself or actually damaging things.
At about 11 my dc recently arrived at relatives caravan - she had shot the soap in the loo. Shes also blocked our loo several times with loo roll or poop or when younger toys.
Luckily our relatives and friends dont suddenly turn up
However now shes older shes mainly just depressed. And cahms said (before declining any help) - keep sharp things out the way. Erm yes so somehow i’ll keep stuff out of the way of a 14yo.. because a child safety catch with stop that. As shes also bright we couldnt even use a keycode as that would be cracked immediately.

The safety equipment is designed for young kids

Stop making it a joke - tell them they are aware of the situation so you have no idea why they keep making these comments.

I’d point out the obvious and hope they realise what twats they are on hearing it, ‘well yes, as you know, Ds is profoundly disabled, makes a bit of a mess now and then and once again you have turned up unannounced.’ No making justifications, no explaining anything.

Can’t for the life of me work out why someone who thrives on social interaction as you say you do - would move to a rural location (and I’ll guess you don’t drive as seems to be the case with most rural living mumsnetters).

and I also can’t I understand why you’d moved for support but then say you hate receiving support

Does your son attend school @Dazedandconfused28 ?

We moved rurally because our son needs outdoor space (we couldn't afford a garden in London), and it was no longer safe for him to be in an urban area (he elopes - and living where we do gives me as good a chance as any of catching him if he does scale our 6ft fence). I do drive.

I also moved to help care for my Mum.

I would love support - it's just that I'm finding the judgemental comments the opposite of supportive.

My isolation is down to the fact my son cannot cope in most standard social settings (cafes/ playgrounds etc) - so getting out and meeting people is hard, and playdates are not feasible for him. His school is an hour away, so I haven't managed to meet many parents & they are dispersed around the county in any case. Our son's needs are complex and so a babysitter isn't really possible.

We have applied for respite 3 times, been turned so far - his social worker has advised we won't be considered until he's older.

Sorry I thought you couldn’t drive due to a health issue?

He attends school and you don’t work… can you clean then? Yes it’ll be cleaning up after him again - but, if it’s on a basis on very clean already, it won’t be such a hardship

Yes he does - the house is usually pretty orderly by the time he gets home (save for broken cupboard doors/ smashed tiles & muddy handprints on walls), it's just chaos by 5pm - and it's the evening the family will call round after work

Prior to moving - there were presumably very supportive and kind, if you moved for their support. It’s so weird they have done a complete 180.

Your DH can surely control himself and speak calmly to his own family. If not, well he needs to buck up and learn how to co took his tongue to be able to communicate effectively

Prior to moving - there were presumably very supportive and kind, if you moved for their support. It’s so weird they have done a complete 180.

where has the op said the above?

Thanks for the supportive comments, perhaps I do need to work harder at it - although it doesn't solve my problem when people call round after work and DS has caused havoc since his return from school, I know it's difficult to comprehend the level of destruction a severely autistic child can cause in a short space of time.

I do also care for my Mum in her home during the day alongside baby - I'm not totally idle.