Wishing I’d stayed at one

[wishidhadone]

I’ve seen at least three posts recently with women worried about staying at one child, because if the potential negative impact on their child and judgement from others.

I am on the other side of this. I actively wanted a second but knew it was a long shot because of my age. Ds was 18 months when we started trying for a second but the months went by and nothing happened and then suddenly got a positive pregnancy test a few months down the line, just after his second birthday.

And it has been hell 😐

I was lucky as my pregnancy was quite straightforward and the fact it had a fairly fixed end point helped. But having the two of them together has never been hugely enjoyable. I’ve always been pulled every which way and overwhelmed meeting needs.

We are now nearly three years down the line and DS’s childhood ended when I had DD. That’s awful and it isn’t a reflection on her personally but she demands a lot of time and attention. She’s become an extremely difficult and wilful toddler (with me anyway … fine elsewhere) who omits ear piercing screams regularly. Ds can’t have anything, he picks up a toy or item of clothing or anything and she screams and follows him trying to take it off him. constantly. Of course I don’t ‘let’ her but even when I’ve wrestled the thing off her and given it back to him she gravitates back and in the end he gives up. A few weeks ago she snatched his hat off him in the car and I had to wrestle it off her before I dropped him off at school and she screamed for the best part of twenty minutes.

DS is constantly being told wait. Just a minute, hold on … I know it’s so unfair on him, I had two years with him before dd came along and some of that was in lockdown and some of that was pregnant and probably not at my best.

With just ds, life was easier. Toddlers aren’t easy but at weekends we both got a bit of time to ourselves and we could go out; ds was a good sleeper apart from waking up very very early. Dd is three this summer and still regularly wakes multiple times overnight. I can’t go out for the evening with DH as she’s so unpredictable; sometimes the first wake up is in the early hours, other times she’ll wake up before I’ve even gone to bed and be terrified if a stranger was here. So that’s that. I don’t really mind that, just saying. That’s a selfish point but it does still kind of haunt me a bit that I’d have had my life back a good two years ago had I not had dd.

I do love DD, although I am finding her extremely challenging at the moment. If she was my only or if ds was my only it would be OK. I wonder sometimes if people with multiple children have different personalities or a lot of support. If I'm honest I am quite unhappy and DH is too although we don’t really talk about it as its so taboo, like we’re saying we don’t want ds when we do, we love her, just spread too thin and the time we do have as a family is just screaming and yelling.

I am anticipating horrible comments here and I’ll just ignore them. I do love DD but if I could go back three years and never have met her I am not sure I’d make the same decision.

That sounds tough. since you have two already, here’s a positive take on it:

You have had mainly the bad bit so far, balancing a toddler with another young child is very hard.

The benefits of having more than one come later, when they are both primary age it may feel quite different; mine still have sibling battles but they also play together.

Also, they have a shared life and history, shared experience of school, the teachers and other kids- shared memories of our holidays, all of that- they will have that together in 60 years when DH and I are gone. Xx

My gut reaction is your DD is picking up on this and her behaviour may be a response to your preference of DS.
however, what the hell fo I know, second children are generally more of a handful and by the time she starts school things should calm down. .
keep setting your boundaries and be consistent. It’s not forever and DS is fine so stop worrying about him, it’s part of what being an older sibling is all about.

It’ll get better, but yes I agree one is good.
But what can you do? Just keep reinforcing boundaries. Maybe get time alone with each of them when you can.

You've got two close in age, and they are just at really tricky ages. Your eldest is still young, and three year olds are just hard.

I have 18months between my 2, and the first couple of years were pretty tough, with me wailing “what have I done!” on a number of times. Hang in there… mine started playing together and probably between 2.5-9 they were each others play mate and back up when outside, life was probably easier than having a singleton.

Your lives will improve and they won't be like this forever.
BUT I wish more women would resist the societal pressure to have more than one child if they don't actually want them. I have one and honestly my parenting journey has been a piece of piss. Even as a sole parent with no financial support and very little practical support from XH. My DS is an easy kid and notwithstanding some teenage behaviour he's almost 18 and I look back at the past two decades of being a parent with immense fondness and satisfaction. I am sure it would have been the polar opposite if I had been left with more than one.
Having an only child is fine. Nobody is harmed by it. The urge to procreate is met, and you also get to retain some life and independence. More women should choose it IMO.

My second child was born disabled - what can I say,

I love him but it has been exceptionally stressful and a cause of huge amounts of worry.

His early years were a blur of feeding tubes, lengthy fits, endless meetings with medics and frankly, palpable fear. My daughter ceased to be a child at aged 2 and learnt to put brother in recovery position, manage a choking incident, deep hug to calm him down and also to fish constipated poo out of the bath tub. She went from having all my attention to bring out into nursery for lengthy hours whisky he was in and out of hospital.

She has grown up to be a lovely person, She has done well academically and has a good job.

‘DS’ childhood ended when I had DD’ - that’s a bit much! I get that you’re not enjoying things at the moment but try not to catastrophize like that. Focus on what you can control ie your behaviour, attitude and language. Consciously prioritise your DS a lot of the time. Good that you’ve picked up he’s not getting what he needs sometimes. They’re both here now so you obviously have to make it work.

This too shall pass it is 2 to 3 years of your life max when it will be this tough. It will be a lot easier when she is a year or so older and they move to playing together as opposed to parallel play. Just be careful that your dd is not picking up on your current resentment for her, you obviously favour your son so check yourself on that every now and again, she needs to build a strong attachment to you to develop and thrive

I could have written this 1.5 years ago, it does get so much better! In the meantime, grab the breaks where you can and try not to sweat the small stuff.

This is absolutely the worst bit, at these ages. I have two, two years apart and I look back at the first couple of years with both as an extremely stressful time, and my time with DD (eldest) as idyllic.

It does get better.

My mum said if my brother had been born first, no way would a second child ever been on the agenda! From a sibling view, he was constantly their focus to keep engaged, out of mischief and to keep up with his demands. Imagine being his sibling and called on in primary school to calm him down as the teacher's can't and you are only a school year ahead! It made me so I never asked for anything, became very self reliant and unwilling to put up with life's shit when served!! Simply a sibling's views and perhaps one to consider when you have a demanding child, which is consider the other.

Do you make sure you take DS out on his own? It's important that he sees that you can prioritise him.
Leave DD with DH on a Saturday morning or Sunday morning and take him somewhere nice just the two of you. Make sure he gets that with his dad too

I don’t think anyone thinks I prefer ds; I barely see him one day to the next. A few moments at bedtime and that’s it. I’m not joking. He comes in from school and at the moment plays outside until dinner and then watches TV alone while I bath and get DD into bed. Then he has a shower and stories and that’s that. I don’t prefer him, dd is definitely going through a challenging stage but so did ds so it happens … But managing that plus another child is where I fall down.

I think it will change but not necessarily improve. Life is screams and fights and conflicts and trying to do your best for one and failing the other miserably and vice versa. In the meantime anything you want for you has gone for good and will never return.

Dramatic I know … but it’s been a tough week!

I love having one, he's sociable, shares well etc contrary to mn lore, we're very close. There are lots of other only children in his class too

I actually think it’s very good of you to come on here and be so honest about your situation. There will potentially be a lot of mums on her deciding whether to have more DC or not, and it’s good to get all viewpoints.

Women face so much pressure to have a child, and then if they do, they are almost immediately asked when the next one will be along.

Like you say, it’s taboo to say “I preferred life before children” (or in this instance “before our second child”) but that is more often the case than people realise because it does go unspoken.

I had two close together and I was fortunate in that it was the right thing for me, but it is a very personal decision and I think we owe it to women who bear the brunt of the child making and raising to be honest about the cons as well as the pros.

Sorry you are struggling OP, but in opening up about it you’re giving women the chance to make more informed choices and that’s always a good thing.

I echo what others said. It will get better.
I often said having two was more than double the work.
But those two little terrors who ruled my life are now best friends, huge support for each other, and make me feel so proud and happy.
Hang in there! You've got this.

It will get easier. As they get older the age difference isn’t so noticeable and they will like doing the same thing more so days out will be easier than they are now. Plus your youngest will be in school too in a year or so. They change a lot through preschool.

You will also get back time to yourself. It is hard to believe when they are little but it does get easier. I had four children so remember the struggle to keep everyone happy!

I desperately wanted a second but didn’t realise until it was too late that I have a low tolerance for noise and mess and two children aren’t just double it. They bounce off one another - mine have been charging around in loops all morning. They wouldn’t do this alone. I hate it; it’s stressing me out as I know someone will go flying but because there are two of them they are whipped into a frenzy. Trying to potty train dd and ds won’t stop grabbing her backside - it’s making me feel really uncomfortable but will he stop irrespective of consequences, no he will not. So you end up losing your shit and yelling as they don’t listen otherwise!

I don’t even know what the point of it all is. I just wish life was easier and not so fucking loud all the time.

This is totally understandable @wishidhadone.

One thing I'd suggest is to accept the situation as it is, and stop thinking "what if I hadnt have had her?".

You have had her. This is the situation now and it doesn't help thinking about what life would have been like with one child, there's zero benefit to thinking this way.

Looking forward, is there any way you can increase your 1 on 1 time with DS? Are there any activites you can do with just DD to increase your bond?

Also, these are by far the hardest years. I think it feels a lot calmer by time the youngest is about 4.5, and life enters a different stage.

I've just read this too. Do you feel resentful that you're unable to see your DS because DD takes up so much time?

Do you have a partner around to help?

At night what happens if you curl up in bed or on the sofa for story time with both DD and DS at the same time? Might he come and sit in the bathroom and chat to you whilst you're bathing DD?

@Itsthesameeveryday you can do both. You can accept the situation and also sort of acknowledge it was probably the wrong decision, the wrong call, in the same way I suppose that any big decision is going to impact on everyone. I didn’t think this one through; two kids, most people have two don’t they? Well no … not any more and besides maybe the people with two have different situations to us.

I’m not resentful of dd or of anything. Resigned really. It’s hard to explain as I don’t look at her and think I wish she didn’t exist, it’s more knowing in my own mind that two are too much.

And ‘what happens’ lol. That’s the vision isn’t it. The reality is they fight, roll round, jump on the bed or whatever and squabble over me. So no. Thanks.

It's definitely getting more common I think. DS' two best friends through primary were onlies. I will be honest there was a time when DS was about 14 when he told me he wished he had siblings but he also started saying he wished I had never separated from his dad so it was more about an idealised childhood he felt deprived of. This was also the time DH moved in so he was unsettled for a bit. I did feel sad for him during lockdowns but that was an extraordinary time that nobody could have predicted.

I think sibling relationships are romanticised and idealised but I didn’t have a second baby for ds; it was for me, and selfishly the effect on me has been detrimental as I’m pushed to my absolute limit. Since having children I’ve come to realise that who I believed I was and who I am are very different, and while my tolerance levels could cope with one they can’t with two. So I am snappy, irritable and grouchy all of the time.