Wishing I’d stayed at one

[wishidhadone]

I’ve seen at least three posts recently with women worried about staying at one child, because if the potential negative impact on their child and judgement from others.

I am on the other side of this. I actively wanted a second but knew it was a long shot because of my age. Ds was 18 months when we started trying for a second but the months went by and nothing happened and then suddenly got a positive pregnancy test a few months down the line, just after his second birthday.

And it has been hell 😐

I was lucky as my pregnancy was quite straightforward and the fact it had a fairly fixed end point helped. But having the two of them together has never been hugely enjoyable. I’ve always been pulled every which way and overwhelmed meeting needs.

We are now nearly three years down the line and DS’s childhood ended when I had DD. That’s awful and it isn’t a reflection on her personally but she demands a lot of time and attention. She’s become an extremely difficult and wilful toddler (with me anyway … fine elsewhere) who omits ear piercing screams regularly. Ds can’t have anything, he picks up a toy or item of clothing or anything and she screams and follows him trying to take it off him. constantly. Of course I don’t ‘let’ her but even when I’ve wrestled the thing off her and given it back to him she gravitates back and in the end he gives up. A few weeks ago she snatched his hat off him in the car and I had to wrestle it off her before I dropped him off at school and she screamed for the best part of twenty minutes.

DS is constantly being told wait. Just a minute, hold on … I know it’s so unfair on him, I had two years with him before dd came along and some of that was in lockdown and some of that was pregnant and probably not at my best.

With just ds, life was easier. Toddlers aren’t easy but at weekends we both got a bit of time to ourselves and we could go out; ds was a good sleeper apart from waking up very very early. Dd is three this summer and still regularly wakes multiple times overnight. I can’t go out for the evening with DH as she’s so unpredictable; sometimes the first wake up is in the early hours, other times she’ll wake up before I’ve even gone to bed and be terrified if a stranger was here. So that’s that. I don’t really mind that, just saying. That’s a selfish point but it does still kind of haunt me a bit that I’d have had my life back a good two years ago had I not had dd.

I do love DD, although I am finding her extremely challenging at the moment. If she was my only or if ds was my only it would be OK. I wonder sometimes if people with multiple children have different personalities or a lot of support. If I'm honest I am quite unhappy and DH is too although we don’t really talk about it as its so taboo, like we’re saying we don’t want ds when we do, we love her, just spread too thin and the time we do have as a family is just screaming and yelling.

I am anticipating horrible comments here and I’ll just ignore them. I do love DD but if I could go back three years and never have met her I am not sure I’d make the same decision.

I was one and done and then accidentally got pregnant. After a lot of deliberating I decided to go ahead with the pregnancy and now have a 3 year old and a 1 year old.

I can relate to this so much, and often ruminate about how much easier life would have been with one.

But I'm enjoying reading the advice on this thread from people saying it will get easier! That's what I'm clinging on to. As an adult, my sibling is one of my closest friends. Of course there's no guarantees that this will happen with my own kids, but I can but hope :)

Thank you for this honest thread. I always thought I wanted 1, then when I had 1 I wanted another. Looks like I'm not getting that option. I hope your tough times pass soon and your have many happy years of family life. And I will get on with being happy with the family that I have.

I hope so @Greentoytractor . I’m a bit cynical because although it kind of has got easier it’s only if I’m honest because ds is older and more able to be easily ignored

Gosh I feel for you, but it’s not so much having a second child that’s the problem, it’s that you seem to have a particularly difficult second child.

As PPs have said though, it WILL improve - when I was going through a tough time when my first was very young and people said hang in there it will improve, I could never believe it would, but shortly afterwards it just did.

I have 2 and single parent and am so glad I had a second. My two keep each other company, play together, enjoy days out together and love one another. I have adhd and so found one a lot but having two for me isn’t that much extra work and I feel the benefits of two far outweigh any negatives. I do have a strict routine in my house which helps a lot.

This sounds so terribly sad and it does sound like you resent your DD because you aren’t wishing you only had her are you? It sounds like your daughters arrival coincided with a tricky period for toddlers and that your tolerance for toddlers in general is a bit lower.

My eldest has a shower as soon as home from school, then they both play together and have dinner then more play time together and then a story and bed. I try to shower my second in the morning whilst my eldest plays with his toys and so bedtime I can be present for both of them. They both get a story together. It sounds like you’re splitting your time between each of them rather than doing things all together? Having a strict routine and being able to spend time with both really helps, especially helps me as I know what I’m doing and when and don’t feel so pulled in opposite directions. I treat my two as more of a unit. If they temper tantrum we have clear boundaries and use time out.

I do know that 2 is my absolute limit. But just wanted to add a positive perspective for having 2. My eldest loves having a younger sibling.

Sorry but this is laughable as a single parent. I have 2 and we have a different routine to OP and so I spend a lot more time with my eldest and both at bedtime. Not everyone can afford a nanny and we don’t have grandparents close by. Suggesting someone NEEDS help if alone with 2 children is bonkers to me. I’m sure OPs youngest is picking up on her stress and mood and is at a tricky age anyway but OP could shift the routine around to have more time with her eldest and then her partner could help more with youngest when they are home or at the weekend.

OP you don’t seem to want much advice and the people coming in saying see this is why they had one only surely isn’t helpful? They are chiming in because they’ve probably never had much validation in their choice, but this isn’t the choice you made and I don’t see how it’s helpful to you now other than making you feel worse and regretful.

Two is where you’re at. I’d recommend looking at strategies for adhd parents, the out of sync child has fun and remembering that routines can and should be changed if not working which it doesn’t sound like it is right now. You aren’t alone in being mostly a lone parent to 2 but there are ways to improve it.

It’s true I didn’t start it as an advice thread.

DD isn’t difficult, just around ds. Likewise ds is lovely when not with DD. Together they whip one another up into a sort of manic state and exacerbate one another’s worst qualities (DDs whining; DS’s destructiveness.)

I don’t think ADHD only emerges when with your older brother!

Two year olds are renowned for not being easy in any event.

She's not a single parent

So you don't get the connection between doing absolutely everything yourself and how you're feeling? You think I'm attacking when I say you need DH or someone else to help most evenings.

I'm trying to tell you you need and DESERVE help. It's not normal to do everything yourself, every evening, with 2 small kids. Most of us would feel the same as you if we did.

So be it. Continue to not get help and run yourself into the ground. You want to be super mummy and moan about it, go ahead.

And you do need to leave BOTH kids with DH for a few hours every weekend. You take Saturday, he takes Sunday. That way you get a REAL break every week.

@FuckedUp7443 how much do you think it would cost four days a week to have someone come and help out 4-8?

And how many people do you think would be willing to accept a job with those hours?

Thats without the admin headache of tax and NI.

But honestly you have missed what I’m saying here. There have been a lot of threads lately - should I have another; do others judge, does the second really jus slot in?

I love them so much and yeah … I will try to be super mummy as they deserve the best, and I can’t give them that. I know that they’d both each have a wonderful life as the only one. I’m such a NICE parent to one 😂

But tbh it does sound like you want an argument.

I’ve just done a quick calculation. For four days a week (DH wfh Fridays) for three hours assuming 4-7 on minimum wage is just over £150 a week, so what, £600 a month? That’s a hell of a lot of money!

And not only is she not a single parent, what is your definition of NEED? I think well-being and enjoying life is important. She may not need the extra pair of hands because yeah everything gets done and kids are safe and fed, but she is clearly crumbling. Her happiness is important too.

Op, I really hope it gets better and you enjoy your family life more soon enough.

Many people who have an only are there because it wasn’t really a choice. Those who chose it, had to think about it a lot from many perspectives, from the stereotypes to their own personal circumstances. It’s a hard decision because you’re scared it’s ’wrong’ for the dc you already have. The unnecessary judgment from others is making everything harder.

I have to say the friend who made me feel most guilty about our one and done decision is the friend who complained most about having two children and how they never got along. She never saw the irony.

Well yes … I don’t need it.

It may have been kindly meant as an original suggestion but to keep on when it’s been established it’s not something I / we a) need and b) can afford is somewhat churlish.

£600 shouldn't be that much money for someone working 10-12 hours days (which your DH must be doing to be away every single night of the week).

Again, you do you. You sound like a wonderful mother. All I'm saying you're being a bit TOO wonderful. Holding it all together with no help. Of course you're having a shitty time.

Thanks @greyweek . Unfortunately last night and this morning my patience had left the building to paraphrase Scouting For Girls. It’s coming back. Slowly

Just a small point about DD always wanting what DS has. We helped solve this by buying them identical toys. My DS would take DD's teddy (or whatever) and so she would take his, he would get confused and be happy with what he'd got. Later she'd swap them back! Maybe this could help you?

@FuckedUp7443

It is.

Lets leave it there, shall we?

@AgentPidge one of the most infuriating things is even when they have something identical she still tries to mug him

It did seem to be getting better but we’ve had a bit of a regression this week. In all sorts of ways!

Ah yes. I remember that ( the mugging). Thankfully it didn't last long, and we were able to use distraction.

I went through grief of not having a second child but now I’m through it, I know that I’m a much better parent to one child and I’m happy we stayed this way. I have a non-sleeper too - still at 3 - and it would drive us into oblivion to add anything extra on top.

I agree, if I had my time again I’d only have one. Mumsnet is the only place I see apparent negativity over having 1 children, I don’t experience this irl and most people I know think it’s the ideal.

Do you work? Or are part-time/more local? DH and I alternate the days we commute in to London. So that's two days a week I'm not around for nursery pick up/dinner and DH has to do it himself. Breaks up the monotony a bit. I try to get back in time for bedtime most of the time, bit equally make sure to make dinner plans with friends some of the time.

It sounds like the lions share falls to you at the moment?

But it doesn't work, does it? You're neglecting your DS. He comes in from school, plays alone in the garden, watches TV alone while you spend all your time with your DD. His father is nowhere to be seen and you won't do anything differently even though it means you barely see him.

You need to stop wallowing in the decision you made to have another, and be less dramatic about it all. Put them in the bloody bath together. Spend time with your son. Leave them both with their father.
The only thing that is going to change things is YOU doing something different.