Wishing I’d stayed at one

[wishidhadone]

I’ve seen at least three posts recently with women worried about staying at one child, because if the potential negative impact on their child and judgement from others.

I am on the other side of this. I actively wanted a second but knew it was a long shot because of my age. Ds was 18 months when we started trying for a second but the months went by and nothing happened and then suddenly got a positive pregnancy test a few months down the line, just after his second birthday.

And it has been hell 😐

I was lucky as my pregnancy was quite straightforward and the fact it had a fairly fixed end point helped. But having the two of them together has never been hugely enjoyable. I’ve always been pulled every which way and overwhelmed meeting needs.

We are now nearly three years down the line and DS’s childhood ended when I had DD. That’s awful and it isn’t a reflection on her personally but she demands a lot of time and attention. She’s become an extremely difficult and wilful toddler (with me anyway … fine elsewhere) who omits ear piercing screams regularly. Ds can’t have anything, he picks up a toy or item of clothing or anything and she screams and follows him trying to take it off him. constantly. Of course I don’t ‘let’ her but even when I’ve wrestled the thing off her and given it back to him she gravitates back and in the end he gives up. A few weeks ago she snatched his hat off him in the car and I had to wrestle it off her before I dropped him off at school and she screamed for the best part of twenty minutes.

DS is constantly being told wait. Just a minute, hold on … I know it’s so unfair on him, I had two years with him before dd came along and some of that was in lockdown and some of that was pregnant and probably not at my best.

With just ds, life was easier. Toddlers aren’t easy but at weekends we both got a bit of time to ourselves and we could go out; ds was a good sleeper apart from waking up very very early. Dd is three this summer and still regularly wakes multiple times overnight. I can’t go out for the evening with DH as she’s so unpredictable; sometimes the first wake up is in the early hours, other times she’ll wake up before I’ve even gone to bed and be terrified if a stranger was here. So that’s that. I don’t really mind that, just saying. That’s a selfish point but it does still kind of haunt me a bit that I’d have had my life back a good two years ago had I not had dd.

I do love DD, although I am finding her extremely challenging at the moment. If she was my only or if ds was my only it would be OK. I wonder sometimes if people with multiple children have different personalities or a lot of support. If I'm honest I am quite unhappy and DH is too although we don’t really talk about it as its so taboo, like we’re saying we don’t want ds when we do, we love her, just spread too thin and the time we do have as a family is just screaming and yelling.

I am anticipating horrible comments here and I’ll just ignore them. I do love DD but if I could go back three years and never have met her I am not sure I’d make the same decision.

Our neighbour often openly admits life would have been a lot easier with one. Their second has high SEND and has caused them quite the headache. Of course they love him dearly, but yea, I get it.

Of course you're stuck with it, and hopefully your feelings change as they get older.
In the meantime, it's fine to feel the way you do. You're only human.

This isn't advise because it would be a terrible recommendation - but it sounds like the biggest problem is your DD is a little gremlin around your DS. My cousin had this with her third, she birthed an absolute lunatic of a child. It was chaos, until she gave her older two permission to hit back. I don't recommend violence but all I'm saying was it was effective. 😅

Other than that you have my sympathy. My eldest is hard work too - but having two didn't increase the hard work for me because my youngest is so easy in comparison.

@Minjou I am not sure how putting them in the bath together solves any of that and in fact would mean the small amount of time I do get with ds alone is gone but by all means, if you have more than one child do what works for you.

I am not totally comfortable with mixed sex children sharing baths anyway and especially not with my particular combination of older boy younger girl.

i work a couple of days a week @Greentoytractor

Is your youngest in nursery/childcare? Does she still have a nap at all? I have 2 and now make sure when youngest is napping and oldest is at home, I spend that time with her on her own. Or spend an hour with your oldest after school before collecting the younger one from nursery maybe. I used to try and get them to nap or do quiet things at same time so I could rest, but actually found that more stressful, so divide them up during the day sometimes now

She doesn’t nap as a rule now but ds is at school then even if she does. She is only at nursery on the days I work.

Can you afford even one more day at nursery?
Or is there an after school club your son could attend?
What time does you husband hey home from work in the evenings?

Well … this is kind of where we’re stuck. Finances won’t allow for more time at nursery and while I could have ds in after school clubs I’m not sure I’d feel great about pushing him out more really.

Another bizarre problem of your own making. You're going to give them some serious issues at this rate.

I sympathise. Please do find a way to share your feelings with your DH. That doesn’t require you in any way to reject your younger child. Just tell it like it is

Your problem is you had them close together, i have a 5 year gap it was great!

Ah gosh yes, this is defo the toughest stage then! Just remember you’re right in the trenches now, this is a bloody tough stage. But it will keep moving on, your youngest will start getting interests of her own and (hopefully) calm down towards sibling. Take advantage of holiday days from work and book a few hours off on your own every now and again, and even have a couple of naughty sick days off with your eldest whilst little one is at nursery if you need x

You sound very stressed so i dont know how much posting will help but i'll try... I have a 4 year old and 7 year old and for the last year we have lived with constant flighting, arguing, tantrums, whinging, screaming. In the house, car, park, watching a film, eating tea you name it (ok exaggerating with constant but lets say 80% of the time) so i really do know how you feel. The only piece of advice i can give is dig deep inside to try and ignore as much of it as you can. If she screams over his hat then just walk away. And also distract, i know people say it but it really does work, not all the time but sometimes. its hard and i've spent so many nights in tears once they go to bed but i do know it will end one day! Also spend more time with your son please, if you spilt up for the day to keep them apart then you take your son one day and daughter the next

I think you’re posting purely to try to get a rise and cause upset. Take care

Thanks @Dumbo18 . This is largely what I worry about, just endless noise and arguments and screaming. It’s happening now. I can try to ignore but it’s hard!

Sorry you are having such a hard time op. I can totally empathise and actually made a similar post recently, although in my case it was about having dc3. I think you are right in that it's only when it's too late you realise you have reached your limit, and it's easy to beat yourself up thinking that you should have known better- I can totally relate to the realisation of not liking the noise, mess etc. I have come to realise though that allowing myself to indulge these thoughts of 'what have I done/if only I stuck at 2..' is just not helpful. Of course not sleeping and having no time to yourself or with your ds is awful. Give yourself some grace because no one would feel good about this and because you are in the thick of it, it now seems crazy to think that you chose this so therefore feel regretful. What you need to remember is that your really wanted dc2, so the alternative life you are imagining (time to yourself, date nights, quality time with ds) is a romanticised life and not reality. You don't know what the alternative is, but as dc2 was much wanted then if you didn't have her then there's a good chance you wouldn't be having a great time with all of your free time, you might be longing for another and feeling regretful that you didn't. Who knows. I have found it really helpful to reframe my thoughts, because I can't change the situation, but working on how I view it is more in my control - it's not easy, and I certainly find after a bad day I slip straight back into feeling regretful, but I'm getting better at catching myself and trying to think about it differently.

I also agree that it will get easier. 3 year olds are hard work and some children are definitely harder to parent than others. My older 2 are 2 years apart and like chalk and cheese. Dc2 also a very difficult baby/toddler but each year has got easier and easier and I now can't remember the last time he had a tantrum (now 8) they also get on so well now despite their different personalities and I think their different traits are a really good influence on each other. You will get there. In the meantime I would try and find some realistic opportunities that will help you feel good, even if it's just 5 minutes a day of sitting in a room by yourself with the door shut! Hope you start to feel better about your situation soon, hang in there!

I'm really really not. I'm reacting honestly to your posts, and I doubt I'm alone in my opinions.

Also I've twice as many children as you and ice never been nearly so dramatic yet unable to take advice.

I am not posting for advice but thank you.We established several pages ago I am indeed dramatic and yet … and yet was it not you who berated me at length for my treatment of ds, and your immeasurably helpful contribution was something like ‘bath them together FFS’, removing the only bit of time I do have with ds for the day.

Nah. You’re alright, I feel justified in ignoring that, and you are posting to cause maximum upset. But take care

Thanks @Whatwasithinking1 . It’s true … she was wanted and I can’t hand her back so it’s not helpful to dwell in a way. It isn’t even that dd is notably difficult but around ds, she is, and he can be the same. We haven’t had a good week and seem to have hit a bad patch with lots of defiance, sass, arguing, silly behaviour which honestly I am trying to be patient with but on the third time I’ve been disturbed that night is difficult.

Da is no saint or martyr either and spent the best part of thirty minutes droning on about wanting some cake or other after school and when you’ve answered in the affirmative ‘after dinner yes’ fifteen times (no joke) and then shout and it all goes quiet and little faces look sad / scared … my heart hurts but then they don’t stop without me raising my voice so god knows how to manage it really.

I remember those days. DD was such an easy baby and toddler and then DS came along and BLOODY HELL. Having the one easy kid and then having him was like an bomb went off in my life. Zero quality time! Zero downtime! Shit sleep! I look back at photos of that time and everyone is smiling and I look like a zombie. Honestly it does get better. Once my DS turned 4 and chilled a bit I was ready for another which I would've scoffed HARD at the very idea of another kid a couple of years before.

I’m in the middle of this; and I feel somewhat like theOP too, that although I love my second, it has sort of ended my DS1’s childhood. I can no longer sit for even 10 minutes with him to play blocks, or read, because baby wants me endlessly and is in peak separation anxiety while my son is heading towards starting school.

my husband and I, have often said, it’s been a very sad year for him (my eldest). We don’t cook together, read together; play together. I am dominated by baby, and it’s not because I don’t try to put baby down etc. I feel like my son lost me, I try all of the tricks and techniques, and give him special time during baby’s nap, but it isn’t the same.

I’ve been so tired when they’ve both been ill, I hallucinated that my baby was Numberblock 1 (from the CBeebies cartoon 😅😂). There are no breaks (we have no help, everyone lives far away). The winter has nearly killed me, not being able to play outside for very long. I hope the summer makes it easier.

I hope it does get better. My youngest son is 14 months and eldest is 3 years and 10 months.

We wanted 4; we are at 2 with a 2.9 year age gap and I can’t imagine HOW we would physically have time for another child. Did you end up having another? How did it work out? Did you feel you neglected the eldest doubly with two younger siblings or did the two older ones pair off.?

Nothing in life is guaranteed, especially where other people and their temperaments are concerned.

On those posts, there are also people extolling the virtues of having an only, though too. People often just take away what they want to from those topics as bias confiramtion. You wanted two, so you had two. No two experiences will ever be the same.

Thankfully, things don't stay the same, either - especially where little people's temperaments are concerned. You might be having a tough time now, but that doesn't mean it'll always be like this.

I know I might get jumped on for this, but keep an eye out for possible neurodiversity.

I have a similar dynamic in my house and similar behaviour. Oldest is diagnosed autistic and youngest now referred by school onto the pathway to diagnosis (initiated by them, not me).

A lot of ASD children have issues with sleeping and you mention your youngest does. It doesn’t hurt to note behaviour and ask nursery staff/teachers what they think once she starts going to those settings. Bear in mind that professionals have only in recent decades started recognising that autism presents differently in girls. Of course she may just be a typical toddler, but there may also be something else going on.

Nothing wrong with having baths together at their age.

It’s a really hard stage. I have a 5 year old and a 2 year old, and 5 year old is on the ASD and ADHD pathway. It is so tough and feels like constant fighting. But your DS is being left alone to play outside by himself then alone again watching tv whilst you are with dd all the time, that’s not okay really. Why is he alone so much? He needs attention and mum time too and he’ll grow up to to resent the situation. Could you set up activities and play with them both together? Or take them out somewhere after school where they can both be kept busy but you can play and interact with them both? We find it a lot easier to be out the house with ours at times.

@offsidecrown1224 i just want to hug you and also thank you for articulating what I’m going through, though you have made me realise it’s better than it was.

DD and I have always been close, she just seemed to settle with me from day one. She was very clingy and got very distressed when I did go back to work and she had to spend a couple of days in nursery. So ds has had that to contend with. This latest phase is defiance, sass, silliness (running off giggling when it’s time together her shoes on) strong opinions - it’s hard. She also has a cold which is whey she’s sleeping badly. Still, ds was as bad and he’s lovely now so there is hope.

@Overthebow what should he be doing? In these longer evenings he wants to be outside, it’s his happy place if you like. What I feel bad about is lack of proper quality time with him. I don’t feel bad about him playing outside.

Playing outside is fine of course, but you make it sound like he’s alone from 4pm until his bedtime, whilst he plays outside alone then tv alone. What are you and dd doing during this time? You could be playing games with him outside, talking to him whilst he’s playing doing his school work with him.

Sometimes it does feel like that. But no. He comes in for dinner and then dd goes up for her bath; that’s when he watches TV downstairs.

So as a very rough approximation

4-5 plays outside
5-6 dinner, they often play a bit while I clear up
6-645 DDs bath and bed

645-7 DS’s shower
7-730 DS’s books, reading etc

Not that I have to justify it, except it would seem I do.