Wishing I’d stayed at one

[wishidhadone]

I’ve seen at least three posts recently with women worried about staying at one child, because if the potential negative impact on their child and judgement from others.

I am on the other side of this. I actively wanted a second but knew it was a long shot because of my age. Ds was 18 months when we started trying for a second but the months went by and nothing happened and then suddenly got a positive pregnancy test a few months down the line, just after his second birthday.

And it has been hell 😐

I was lucky as my pregnancy was quite straightforward and the fact it had a fairly fixed end point helped. But having the two of them together has never been hugely enjoyable. I’ve always been pulled every which way and overwhelmed meeting needs.

We are now nearly three years down the line and DS’s childhood ended when I had DD. That’s awful and it isn’t a reflection on her personally but she demands a lot of time and attention. She’s become an extremely difficult and wilful toddler (with me anyway … fine elsewhere) who omits ear piercing screams regularly. Ds can’t have anything, he picks up a toy or item of clothing or anything and she screams and follows him trying to take it off him. constantly. Of course I don’t ‘let’ her but even when I’ve wrestled the thing off her and given it back to him she gravitates back and in the end he gives up. A few weeks ago she snatched his hat off him in the car and I had to wrestle it off her before I dropped him off at school and she screamed for the best part of twenty minutes.

DS is constantly being told wait. Just a minute, hold on … I know it’s so unfair on him, I had two years with him before dd came along and some of that was in lockdown and some of that was pregnant and probably not at my best.

With just ds, life was easier. Toddlers aren’t easy but at weekends we both got a bit of time to ourselves and we could go out; ds was a good sleeper apart from waking up very very early. Dd is three this summer and still regularly wakes multiple times overnight. I can’t go out for the evening with DH as she’s so unpredictable; sometimes the first wake up is in the early hours, other times she’ll wake up before I’ve even gone to bed and be terrified if a stranger was here. So that’s that. I don’t really mind that, just saying. That’s a selfish point but it does still kind of haunt me a bit that I’d have had my life back a good two years ago had I not had dd.

I do love DD, although I am finding her extremely challenging at the moment. If she was my only or if ds was my only it would be OK. I wonder sometimes if people with multiple children have different personalities or a lot of support. If I'm honest I am quite unhappy and DH is too although we don’t really talk about it as its so taboo, like we’re saying we don’t want ds when we do, we love her, just spread too thin and the time we do have as a family is just screaming and yelling.

I am anticipating horrible comments here and I’ll just ignore them. I do love DD but if I could go back three years and never have met her I am not sure I’d make the same decision.

There is some truth to this. DH isn’t around much in the week but it is me dealing with dd. Dd isn’t generally difficult although she’s hit a ‘stage’ but … she’s a different child around ds. This is where the regret creeps in.

Maybe the answer is doing more together - sounds like they get on at least, playing in the garden etc. Why is DS alone while you bath DD, why not have bath time together? At least then you’re reducing your work (one bath rather than then having to oversee DS showe), even if they are chaotic together. Bath books bed together.

Because it is chaos is the short answer to that. Absolutely not.

This is partly why I knew I was only having one. I just know that I would not be able to deal with 2. Mines 3.5 now and very likely has Sen so the thought of dealing with that and then another little one literally fills me with dread.

But how will it ever not be chaos if they don’t get exposed to it?

(sorry I’m genuinely trying to help, surely that’s better than all the people going
’see this is why I only had one!’)

Your mood might be the key here - I was very irritable a lot when my youngest was under 2 but I've been in therapy since then (he's now 3, older one is 5) and it's been really transformative for my ability to be calm and fully present with my DC and they are so much calmer now for it. It feels like it's not in your control how you feel but the kids feed off our energy so if you're dysregulated/irritable they will be too, whereas if you're calm and content they calm down more quickly too. Learning how to stay calm in the chaos has been lifesaving for me.

That sounds so tough OP. I’m sorry I have no advice as I’m a Mum of one. After a difficult long birth and PND I decided it would stay that way. As I knew my limits and knew if I had a similar early experience with a second, that my first would suffer and I wasn’t prepared to do that. I also never had that “longing” for a second one. I knew I was one and done. DH was completely fine with it as he saw how I’d struggled.

We did get a lot of “well meaning” comments when DC was around 2-3 about having a second (not from my parents thank god who were amazing) and it def felt like some friends/baby mums/society expected a second, well in my mind they could all fuck off. I wasn’t going to have two just because it was the “done thing”.

The spoiled/lonely only trope really wound me up for a bit but I think that’s changed in the last few years as so many more now stay at one for various reasons, not least cost of living.

DC is amazing, bright kind and popular, doing well at Uni now.

I understand you did have that longing for a second and I’m sorry you feel like this but I hope things improve as your Dd gets older.

I just wanted to comment so that anyone reading this with one DC and feeling the pressure to have a second - you don’t have to! If you desperately want one, of course, go ahead. But if you think it’s just “what you do” have a think - is it actually what you really want and can you cope? Make the decision that’s right for you and your family.

Where's your DH in all this?

Sorry I didn't think you meant DS had actually structured activities. I thought you meant he entertained himself more whilst you dealt with DD. Obviously he should continue to enjoy that activities he has in place. I just think that you could always spend time with him alone too doing just you and him stuff to help remind him hope important that is to you

I don't think people in general realise what a challenging age 18m-4yrs is. There are huge amounts of development going on which may present themselves as anger, tantrums, neediness etc and this is all very very normal. I used to be a behaviour specialist in a school so already had an interest in the subject and did huge amounts of reading on it. As a teacher I saw a growing number reception starters that entered with parents suspected ASD/ADHD at aged 2/3 then realising it was just normal behaviour when they hit 4/5.
It's also the time that most families go on to have another child, so you're just adding a huge amount of change to what's already a tornado in your child's lifetime in terms of development. It's not impossible obviously and many people manage and even enjoy it!
The toddler often gets blamed when really people don't know if their behaviour would have changed drastically anyway (it probably would have).
I did have 2 under 2 so totally understand how hard it is but I do my best to view each child's behaviour as a result of their brain development and the changes happening in their life, and give them strategies to cope with it. Most importantly never to blame or compare.
It all makes me think it's sometimes best having another early doors so you don't know any different (what I did) , or waiting until the older one is 4+ (appreciate many people don't want to wait that long!)
Sorry this doesn't help you much OP but check out big little feelings who have loads of advice on managing siblings.

Can I just say I am so grateful to read your posts. Thank you for being so honest. We are one and done (have a 18 month old), and all I get is comments from parents on multiples about how we're failing our daughter by not having another. i think we're doing her a favour, we know we are better parents to 1.

But I hope you are moving through the worst of it, and it'll get easier as they both grow up.

This is going to be rude, there’s no way around it, but they are in a watertight routine that works in the evening as I am alone with them. If you think I’m causing untold stress and misery to myself because of nothing more than someone’s opinion I’m not, to be short.

This is actually reassuring to read as my dd has … not been enjoyable of late shall we say! Any reading you could suggest would be interesting. I don’t really mean the parenting books just general behaviour.

I think the experience of having two children in the younger years really depends on the children you have to be honest. I have two children, both very young my oldest is still a toddler, and genuinely I have really enjoyed the experience of having two so far, my toddler’s life really hasn’t changed at all to be honest since her brother was born, we still do everything we did before, play group/park/trips out etc, she still gets plenty of 121 time with me (although I know this could change once he is older) BUT that is almost entirely down to the fact that my second child is so so much easier than my first was. If my children had been the other way round and my oldest had been my youngest then I am very aware that life would look very different.

This series is good:
The Thinking Child: Laying the foundations of understanding and competence
Pamela May
The Growing Child: Laying the foundations of active learning and physical health
Clair Stevens
The Social Child: Laying the foundations of relationships and language
Toni Buchan
The Feeling Child: Laying the foundations of confidence and resilience

But many of the parenting books are also great and talk a lot of development theory and science.
Examples:
How to talk so kids will listen (& listen so kids will talk)
The book you wish your parents had read

There's loads more and if anything they make you feel normal!
I struggle massively with mine, especially now they're old enough to argue. I have to regularly check in with stuff like this to keep us all sane and to help me understand why they act the way they do. And modelling modelling modelling, I try to remember they are always watching and learning from me.
But like many people have said it does get easier. My youngest was off nursery poorly last week and he missed his sister so much while she was at school. It made me realise how close they actually are.

Sorry but the fact that you are alone with them in the evenings is quite key information. Of course that will make it 100 times harder.

I'm not regularly alone with my toddler on an evening. DH and I tag team everything. We each have one evening a week where we go out with friends but it works out more like once every 2 weeks.

If one of us has to travel, we get the nanny or grandma to pull in extra hours, no way I'm doing dinner/bedtime etc all by myself for even a week, not even 3 days in a row really.

If your DH works long hours, it means he makes enough money to pay for help. If he doesn't make enough money, then he needs to quit his shitty non-paying ambitions and get a job that will enable him to parent.

I hate both those parenting books - sorry. I just find their suggestions fake and not practical. Thanks for the ones on child development though as I have had a tough week with dd (can you tell!?)

@FuckedUp7443 thats so naive and honestly … I don’t want to sound terse but I can manage my own kids for a few hours without chaos unfolding. I have a routine that works, I don’t need to spend hundreds of pounds hiring someone (who??) to do what I can do.

Tbh, I sympathize but when you're in the trenches of parenting you forget the 'bigger picture' of why you had 2 children.

Parenting babies and toddlers, and then toddlers and small children - these are hard years of unreasonable behaviors, tears and tantrums.

It goes on for years! But then it gets gets better as they become more independent.

My first child was sooooo unbelievably difficult on every level, most people would have stuck at one at that point but I kept the 'bigger picture' on my head. Now we have two children who are growing and playing together & I'm so so glad we buckled up and went for it.

OK so why are you unhappy? Genuinely, if you have a rock solid routine, everyone is happy, you don't need help, what's the problem?

Also, managing my child versus enjoying my evening are 2 different things.

No one will prioritise you if you don't prioritise yourself.

I'm sorry your dc is such hard work @wishidhadone . Ds2 was like this. I took him to a cranial osteopath and his behaviour changed almost overnight. After 3 sessions he was a changed boy. They need to ideally be seen before age 6.
I'd cry in frustration. But he was an angel before and after. 25 now and still has a wonderful nature.

I understand your point I think I will stop at 1 even though I have my own sibling. People often say “oh it’s only hard for the first few years” “it will pass” etc but I don’t want to wish my years away. Life is short

I suppose that’s the problem; I didn’t have two so they could play together. I just really wanted another. No idea why; maybe Covid or something. Who knows.

@FuckedUp7443 so I have spent what, three pages explaining I don’t get to sleep; I don’t get any time for me at all as I always have one child with me (and DH is the same before anyone comes at me) I spend my time with them both on eggshells because second born is constantly trying to terrorise the firstborn to the point he can’t so much as wear a hat without it prompting a tantrum, the noise and the mess and the mess and the noise, meeting both their needs, meeting myself coming back all the time but it’s fine, why on earth would I complain because I have a routine?

I know … I sound very grumpy and it’s because I’ve had a bit of a shit week in all respects but I am increasingly recognising my own limitations here and what I can actually manage and manage well.

Doesn’t sound rude, sounds kind of desperate. I don’t really understand your second sentence, doesn’t have much to do with any of my posts. I’m a parent of 3 with a husband who is away a lot so I thought I could suggest some things but fair enough! Keep doing what you’re doing with your watertight routine :) they’ll grow up and out of it most likely.