Wishing I’d stayed at one

[wishidhadone]

I’ve seen at least three posts recently with women worried about staying at one child, because if the potential negative impact on their child and judgement from others.

I am on the other side of this. I actively wanted a second but knew it was a long shot because of my age. Ds was 18 months when we started trying for a second but the months went by and nothing happened and then suddenly got a positive pregnancy test a few months down the line, just after his second birthday.

And it has been hell 😐

I was lucky as my pregnancy was quite straightforward and the fact it had a fairly fixed end point helped. But having the two of them together has never been hugely enjoyable. I’ve always been pulled every which way and overwhelmed meeting needs.

We are now nearly three years down the line and DS’s childhood ended when I had DD. That’s awful and it isn’t a reflection on her personally but she demands a lot of time and attention. She’s become an extremely difficult and wilful toddler (with me anyway … fine elsewhere) who omits ear piercing screams regularly. Ds can’t have anything, he picks up a toy or item of clothing or anything and she screams and follows him trying to take it off him. constantly. Of course I don’t ‘let’ her but even when I’ve wrestled the thing off her and given it back to him she gravitates back and in the end he gives up. A few weeks ago she snatched his hat off him in the car and I had to wrestle it off her before I dropped him off at school and she screamed for the best part of twenty minutes.

DS is constantly being told wait. Just a minute, hold on … I know it’s so unfair on him, I had two years with him before dd came along and some of that was in lockdown and some of that was pregnant and probably not at my best.

With just ds, life was easier. Toddlers aren’t easy but at weekends we both got a bit of time to ourselves and we could go out; ds was a good sleeper apart from waking up very very early. Dd is three this summer and still regularly wakes multiple times overnight. I can’t go out for the evening with DH as she’s so unpredictable; sometimes the first wake up is in the early hours, other times she’ll wake up before I’ve even gone to bed and be terrified if a stranger was here. So that’s that. I don’t really mind that, just saying. That’s a selfish point but it does still kind of haunt me a bit that I’d have had my life back a good two years ago had I not had dd.

I do love DD, although I am finding her extremely challenging at the moment. If she was my only or if ds was my only it would be OK. I wonder sometimes if people with multiple children have different personalities or a lot of support. If I'm honest I am quite unhappy and DH is too although we don’t really talk about it as its so taboo, like we’re saying we don’t want ds when we do, we love her, just spread too thin and the time we do have as a family is just screaming and yelling.

I am anticipating horrible comments here and I’ll just ignore them. I do love DD but if I could go back three years and never have met her I am not sure I’d make the same decision.

I think your feelings are very valid and normal. I only have one (and only wanted one), but anecdotally from speaking to friends this is a very common dynamic when you have two small children close in age. I suspect this is the worst point and I am sure it will get better. Hang on in there, I am sure you’ll come out the other side.

But in an unrelated point, I do agree with you that too many people have multiple children just because its the done thing and they feel it’s expected.

There was a thread a couple of days ago which really underlined how much these attitudes persist.

His childhood ended when she came along? Are you always this melodramatic?

She sounds lovely- what a credit to you. 💐

Fair enough. You're right, you can acknowledge both situations, sorry if I came across as patronising.

Its a long hard slog and you're not alone in thinking it. I hope it gets easier for you as time goes on OP.

Yes, I’m a bit prone to it. Any smelling salts?

But I don’t really know how else to explain. Since dd was born, he’s had to largely fend for himself, hasn’t been able to have a day about him, had toys taken off him and forced to spend time alone.

At some point you need to ignore the screaming and blank it out to prioritise your son. If it’s just wailing for no reason, and she’s safe, grey rock it for your own sanity. I don’t mean all the time, obviously she’s young and still needs love and attention but don’t let it dominate.

And remember that they won’t be toddlers forever. My two close in age kids were pretty ambivalent to each other and as a teenager my dd said in a rage once that she wanted to kill him. They are each other’s biggest supporters now. Family life is a marathon not a sprint.

I didn't want to read and run.
Thank you for sharing this, for being so brave. I only have one DD and I know I wouldn't cope well with a second precisely because of the noise and the chaos they would surely bring in these early years.
I do believe it gets easier though through seeing lots of friends at different stages with multiple kids.
I'm just sending you a massive hug OP, and praying that DDs sleep settles down. My DD didn't sleep well at all and it was horrendous. Once I could sleep regularly again, everything felt so much more manageable and I am sure it will for you too. Hang in there, you're doing so well in very difficult circumstances xx
🩷

Yeah yeah. Ever tried to have a conversation with someone with screams like someone’s discovered the kings bloody naked corpse in the boot of their car? You can’t, if that helps.

I’ve heard it so many times ‘it gets better’ I’ve kind of stopped believing it. It stays shit but in different ways 😂

And apologies. I was aiming for a flippant and humorous tone and I think on re reading it I missed the mark and came across as a dick which isn’t my intention

I really do love them but they are getting a raw deal, especially my poor ds.

You’ve said you didn’t have DD to give DS a sibling (which I think is the main reason people have a second) but that you wanted DD. You’ve also said that people just have two. So I guess did you actually want two or was it societal pressure?

I have one, was on the fence but then something clicked and I absolutely wanted a child. There were lots of reasons to not have a child but they weren’t insurmountable. The negatives just weren’t big enough to take away that want. I guess my question is did you actively want DD that the negatives just weren’t big enough to stop you or was it a case of the desire not to have two wasn’t big enough to make you stop at one?

Having kids is a bit of a lottery. You don’t know what personality mix is going to come out. Having multiple mean you play the personality lottery a few times and don’t know if these personalities work together. It is likely that if your DD wasn’t so challenging at the moment, that you would still go back and still have a second because you did want one and you didn’t know she would be this challenging. You can still love your DD but she can also be challenging.

My advice is probably different to most people’s on here but I don’t think you should force it. For all your sakes. You’re still with DH so I would do less family time and just focus on individual kids. Saturday you take DS out and DH takes DD out. Sunday you swap kids. Even if it’s just you walk to one park and DH walks to another park. They won’t be bouncing off the walls at each other, you get one on one time with each kid. Maybe as DD gets less challenging you can start to do more family things. If not, you are still giving each child what they need - an involved parent. We don’t need to do everything as a family if family time makes everyone stressed and miserable. They don’t have to play together. If they are older and don’t get on, that’s fine, they can still have a great relationship with their parents.

@WhereIsMyLight i wanted another child; I can genuinely say I didn’t give two hoots what other people thought and besides in my circles most people have one, probably because we are on the older side.

We don’t really do much family time but even when we do one parent ends up with one child and one with the other. It does mean zero you time though. And while I might have known what that felt like in theory in practice it’s another matter.

I think when you have ages and personalities that just aren't meshing like you do right now, you have to be strategic about family life – what gets everyone what they need, ideally some of what they want, and also preserves the parents' sanity, never mind what you 'should' do.

In this case, I agree with @WhereIsMyLight – I would divide and conquer. A lot. Regular weekend time and holiday time where each parent takes one child and off you go separately. Switch off who has which child. It sounds like DDs bedtime is all on you – have I got that right, and if so, why? If you could share that, that would free up more time for you to focus on DS.

Do you and DH get any individual time? I'd also try to build in regular blocks where one parent has both children and the other goes out to a hobby, see a friend, sit in a café and stare into space, whatever. I'm on my own with my two almost all the time, but there's a brief window on a Saturday where they're both in a class, and I try really hard to protect that time. I don't work, I don't do life admin – I do something for me.

Really interesting perspective, thank you for sharing! I'm in a slightly similar boat - DC with drastically different personalities - but our eldest is the one who needs more co-regulation & direction, which I think is easier.

It hasn't actually put me off having 2, and I might even gamble & have a third if I lose my mind a little more. But I do find it hard a lot of the time - can I ask what's worked well for you in terms of coping techniques with them?

I’m not exactly looking for advice because what one person tells you another person won’t. We already divide and conquer but it only works if you’re out of the house and if two parents are available. And it leaves nothing, absolutely nothing, for you as a person.

I am having an exceptionally bad week where I feel like dd has done nothing but fight me and whinge which isn’t wholly true but there is some truth in it. In all honesty I thought three would be the turning point and her third birthday is approaching and it’s still shit 😂

It's such a huge gamble having kids, I don't think people realise you can have such a drastically different experience each time. 😅 and sometimes they disregulate us more than we regulate them, despite best intentions and efforts.

Can you not involve them in more things together? That would mean you had time with DS and also help their sibling relationship. For example, DS could help you while you bath DD (play with bubbles, toys, etc) even if just for a few minutes.

I’ve got three DC, but the first two are a fair bit older than the youngest, so it was like having two then an ‘only child’ with youngest DC. Despite the extra work having the two together, I can tell you that it was a lot easier than just youngest DC. The two youngest always had company and plenty of interaction; they learned sharing and compromise; and I actually had more time to myself.

The toddler years can be hard but things will get much easier and your DS and DD will greatly benefit from having each other, and so will you.

I'm sorry you are having difficult time OP, your DC are only little and yes it should get better. But please don't wish your DD away! I had 2, with bigger age gap (almost 4 years) and they are each others best friends (at the moment...).

With siblings, some get on, some don't, but it is a bit of a lottery. I don't get on with my older brother, but appreciate having him now with ageing/dying parents, and his DW is nice and i like her more than him 😅!

It might be better for your DS to learn to be patient and share as well, even if it causes tears. Getting everything you want all the time is not as good as it sounds. Don't blame yourself and be patient with your DD, even when she's being tricky, you really don't want her to feel you favour her brother. Best of luck.

So... Do you get time just with your DS? And dies his dad also take him out sometimes so you only have DD?
Also do you ever get to leave the house and let DH look after them both? Even for just an hour??

Skiing? Was that a typo? Sorry - genuinely asking No one’s going skiing for many years 😂

This is where it’s difficult @Legolaslady as I should be leaving the house and leaving DH with both but then I have to grant that in reverse. So it’s divide and conquer unless it isn’t. No easy answers.

I spend virtually no time with just ds. One of the issues is because his activities are ‘older’ so not parent supervised.

Thank you OP, for your point of view. As someone on here said it's important to have a representation of different opinions when it comes to motherhood and how many children you should have, and because of this I think your post is very very necessary as there is such a pressure to have more than one DC and especially to have them close in age.

I have one DC and they had a very difficult toddlerhood, sounds much like your DD's. Days were hellish filled with constant screaming from the moment they woke up until bedtime, DC was intense, a complete livewire, went through a huge hitting phase amongst many other things and I struggled massively at the time. They are a completely different child now and 100% worth it but most of the toddler years are a blur to me the way the newborn period is to some people. Looking back, I don't know how I survived - I was a shell of a person. It's difficult to describe unless you've experienced it really.

While I was in the thick of it and barely surviving, all my girlfriends were announcing their second pregnancies and my internal reaction was why would you do this to yourself again?? Looking back now I realise that their DCs toddlerhood was a completely different experience than mine, that they themselves are different than me and perhaps have more capacity, aren't as sensitive as me, don't get overwhelmed so easily, had a support system etc etc.

While I'm sure that it would have been lovely for DC to have a sibling close in age and it would have made parenting easier when they can play together, all of this would have come at the expense of my sanity, and more importantly it would have meant subjecting two innocent children to a mother that was deeply depressed, overwhelmed and unable to give them what they need. I don't think this is spoken about enough when discussing how many children you should have so I think your post is very important to give a different point of view to the popular one.

Ha yes skiing was a typo ( although in years to find who knows).
Your DS has activities that aren't supervised.. but that's your choice. You can just tell him you're both leaving the house to go swimming/ feeding the ducks/bike riding/ cinema etc
And yes I guess it did mean you returning the favour re having them both alone. But perhaps having had some time to yourself that won't feel quite the hardship it does now.
I had two that were 23 months apart. They bickered a lot and for a large part of their smaller years I was a single parent. You have my sympathy but you need to use what resources you have to a) get some time alone with DS and do stuff with him so he knows you value that b) get some breathing space for yourself when it's it's just an hour wandering the shops

You say one parent ends up with one child and one with the other. That's not unusual, but it also sounds from your other posts like it's always ending up with you dealing with DD and your DH with DS?

If so, that's the bit you need to focus on changing. I have DC1 who is pretty easy and DC2 who is a human tornado (and I found going from 1 to 2 horrific for a long time, so I truly feel your pain).

If my DH had his way, our split for managing the kids would nearly always be him taking DC1 and leaving me with the tornado. But I refuse to go along with that because the more you do that the worse it gets. You need your OH to take DD off your hands so you have some quality time with your DS, even especially if DH works long hours/doesn't want to/says DD only wants you etc etc.

I can sympathise. I've also got two although struggled for a long time to have my second so we've a larger than usual age gap. I did feel like we got ourselves out of the trenches and life was manageable and then we literally threw ourselves back into a deeper and muddier trench. But tbh I see it slightly differently - my second is a toddler and in my rational moments I just try to remember that toddlers are seriously hard work - but also very sweet at times. Secondly my eldest isn't getting less from me because of her sister, but because she's getting older and more independent and has school and activities and a life that I'm largely excluded from - and that's an adjustment but it is normal.
I can't really give you any good advice (and I'm not sure you want it - which is fair) - we do a lot of divide and conquer because they are at different stages and it feels like both of them get attention - but yeah - not a lot left for either of us.

It's good to see a post showing the downsides of motherhood. I always wonder why people keep wanting children.
Especially hard today bringing up children.

Don’t you think he’s had to lose enough without losing his activities as well?