AIBU to exclude 1 child from friendship group from DS party??

[Louisa80s]

Please help me out here...
DS is turning 9 in a few weeks and we have a party booked for up to 12 people. Currently at 10 with numbers.
DS is quiet and lacks confidence a little, but has a really lovely tight-knit group of boy mates. There is 1 child in their group of 8 friends, who since reception he hasn't got on with.
This boy will consistently laugh at DS's work, belittle him if he answers questions wrong, hit him and push him over 'playfully' etc. DS has come to write his invites tonight and said he doesn't want to invite this boy. He is absolutely adamant and not backing down.
He said he will ruin his birthday and he makes him uncomfortable. But my heart kind of breaks as he will know he is being excluded and it's not sitting right with me. DS has said if I invite him he would rather not have a party (already paid the deposit) And I don't know what to do.
I've never seen him so certain of a decision. But I also know how he and I would feel if the boot were on the other foot and it were him being excluded... something I've tried to explain to him but he keeps saying he doesn't care, he doesn't want him to to.
I get on with this boys mum pretty well too. She isnt a close friend, but we always stop and chat and we message off and on, she's really nice. I really don't think she thinks her son does anything wrong. Other parents definitely do see it as it's spoken about quite regularly.
Please help me decide what to do...

Why on earth would OP force her son to spend 1-1 time with a boy who belittles him and physically hurts him?

Would you actually speak to a woman you are fond of like that? ‘Sorry’ in this situation isn’t really an apology - it’s a leveller, a diffuser. The boy’s mother isn’t an abuser, and her son isn’t either. He’s a child who hasn’t been very nice and needs to learn the consequences so stop overreacting.

@Louisa80s As pointed out, your AIBU is unclear and I suspect people are voting the 'wrong' way. Although your title is clear on what is BU, by the end of your OP it is not clear which is which. I'd go by the comments, not the vote. And follow your son's wishes.

I'm trying to offer a solution from OP's perspective. OP already explained that she has a good relation with the mother, she feels bad for the boy. If she is present with the two children during the day he will likely behave better. The parent must take charge of a situation if a child is a bully. I never accepted children to bully others and would teach them that it's simply bad and unacceptable, and it always worked.

I bloody don't!
I haven't RTFT but a few things stand out. The OP chats with the mother but hasn't addressed the issue with her. The school know about the issue but don't seem to be addressing it. The OP also seems to be valuing the other child's feelings over the feelings of her own child. Surely nine is old enough to choose who you are friends with and who you do not? Who knows if maybe other children in that group don't feel that they can speak out about their own problems with this child? Now it absolutely may be that this child has his own problems and needs support himself but that is not the OP's son's responsibility and he should not have to suck up inviting someone to his party who he doesn't want to be there. He is not a support animal.
Final message OP do not teach your son to be a doormat.

So you never invite the husband of your best friend even though you privately think he’s a bit of a dick; you have a group of five friends you know from university but exclude one even though on all other invitations she’s included and this never ever causes any problems? Right.

It’s pivotal moments like this where we teach our kids where tolerance and ‘be kind’ meets ‘don’t be a pushover’ and ‘abusive relationship’.

Of COURSE he shouldn’t be invited you should 100% be supporting your son here.

I invited my boss to my wedding even though I hated her. It's called diplomacy and boxing clever. Children need to learn these skills early. He may not like this boy but he could be unleashing something far more unpleasant by excluding him from the group. Have a good chat with him about it all and try to help him see that leaving this boy out might not be the best idea in this situation.

You really should have mentioned to the mum way before now that her child’s behaviour towards your son has really affected your boy but I’d definitely have a chat with her now and explain the situation.

you what? why? you used a private special occasion for office politics?????

this.

You said AIBU to exclude 1 child - so I voted no you are not being unreasonable. Exclude the child. Your son does not want him there, having him there would ruin his birthday. Do you want to ruin his birthday in the name of being kind?

Do you want your son to take pushes and persistent teasing and bullying to the point he is afraid to put his hand up and speak in class - in the name of being kind?

When is your son going to get to be kind to himself and celebrate his own birthday without having to be kind to someone victimising him?

In both those circumstances, I wouldn't do it if they were a bully and definitely not if they bullied me.

also this

Listen to your kid. He spends every day with this lad.

Prioritise your child’s comfort over the discomfort of another child who might be upset at not being invited.

It’s a damn shame you haven’t spoken to the mother before now, given you are friendly! You are going to have to talk to her now.

You're really questioning whether your sons BULLY should take precedent over your own SON???? I'm flabbergasted!

Yep. Honeymoon leave became a simple affair and I was given a wedding bonus too. Boxing clever!

At 9 the boys should be capable of not talking about the party at school or around the other boy. If you are close to the other Mums perhaps you can ask them to tell their kids not to chat about the party in front of the other kids at school.

and you think a child should do this for a bully?

Absolutely respect your sons wishes.
He has tolerated this for years which is so dreadful.
He has now found the strength to say No.
You need to back him completely.

I think it is absolutely dreadful that he has suffered for years.
I cannot imagine tolerating it with my children.

I would have been into the school wanting more done.
Belittling IS bullying.
You are very very passive.

Would you be happy to accept this treatment of yourself by another parent?

Wake up pls. The damage he is doing to your son is shocking.

He will absolutely judge your parenting.
Kids NEVER forget their bullys. NEVER.

I never ever understand how scared parents are on MN of standing up for their children.

Terrified themselves of doing the right thing and expecting their child to cope with daily bullying.

Then they wonder why they have huge issues of depression, anxiety and general mental health problems in their teens.

The damage is enormous and long lasting.

Stop putting another child ahead of your own.
Your son is a long-term victim of a bully.
The teacher has acknowledged it!
Unbelievable.

Going against the grain here, but I would definitely invite the boy.

Singling him out will likely cause retaliation and this boy will be nastier to your DS. It could also cause the other boys to turn against your DS.

If it were me then I would convince my son to invite him and reassure him that I will be keeping a very close watch at the party and any nastiness I will nip in the bud immediately.

If the other mum brings it up, a simple "I'm afraid X didn't want to invite Y because they were having some friendship problems." would be perfectly reasonable and any normal parent should be able to accept that. If she's a halfway decent parent, she would also be aware of which friends her son gets along with or if he tends to make snide remarks about other boys at home.

DD's best friend's mum also said something along those lines (play date rather than bday party) and I found it very refreshing and to the point. I was fully aware there was some girly drama going on so I wasn't surprised either and a few months later all of them are back to being friends again.

I think this is where I’m hesitating as MN are very, very quick to label any behaviour another child doesn’t like as bullying.

It’s often a bit more nuanced than that. Even supportive and close knit groups will have power plays and oneupmanships and petty differences. That’s often difficult to manage, especially for cautious and sensitive children.

I don’t know how the best way to manage this is but while in MN land this story ends with the ‘bully’ being read the riot act about why he wasn’t invited and the school playground clapping and cheering, in RL it may well be considered a form of bullying in itself (exclusion is) and may not go down well with the other boys or their parents.