AIBU to exclude 1 child from friendship group from DS party??

[Louisa80s]

Please help me out here...
DS is turning 9 in a few weeks and we have a party booked for up to 12 people. Currently at 10 with numbers.
DS is quiet and lacks confidence a little, but has a really lovely tight-knit group of boy mates. There is 1 child in their group of 8 friends, who since reception he hasn't got on with.
This boy will consistently laugh at DS's work, belittle him if he answers questions wrong, hit him and push him over 'playfully' etc. DS has come to write his invites tonight and said he doesn't want to invite this boy. He is absolutely adamant and not backing down.
He said he will ruin his birthday and he makes him uncomfortable. But my heart kind of breaks as he will know he is being excluded and it's not sitting right with me. DS has said if I invite him he would rather not have a party (already paid the deposit) And I don't know what to do.
I've never seen him so certain of a decision. But I also know how he and I would feel if the boot were on the other foot and it were him being excluded... something I've tried to explain to him but he keeps saying he doesn't care, he doesn't want him to to.
I get on with this boys mum pretty well too. She isnt a close friend, but we always stop and chat and we message off and on, she's really nice. I really don't think she thinks her son does anything wrong. Other parents definitely do see it as it's spoken about quite regularly.
Please help me decide what to do...

There is 1 child in their group of 8 friends, who since reception he hasn't got on with

Your DS needs to make a decision - stay friends with this boy or don't. If they're friends, the boy should be invited. If they're not, no need to invite

I'm surprised at the replies, as MN is usually on the side of the excluded child.

But MN can be an echo chamber and we're only hearing OP's views. If OP posted that her child had been excluded from a friend's birthday party, the replies would be v different

OP has stated that other parents have noticed the childs’ behaviour and a teacher gave similar feedback at parents evening, saying the boy had been spoken to about it.

FFS... listen to your child!

Would YOU invite someone who made your life hell to YOUR party???
I think not.

Jesus wept, what a message to send to a child being bullied. Hashtag bekind and invite your abuser to your birthday party, lest he feel left out.

The other kid will get over it. I wouldn't give it a second thought, your son has told you what he wants. Don't invalidate his feelings. We tell children to express themselves, stand up for themselves and now your son is in this situation about his own birthday party!

You want to invite the child that bullies your son because you feel sorry for the little sod ? Bloody hell, stick up for your child, you are his mum after all.

I think the upcoming party is a great opportunity to really try to address this situation. It doesn't sound like the school has taken it seriously enough. I would go and speak to your son's teacher again, explain the impact this boy's behaviour is having and ask them to speak to his parents. That way, there might be some hope of it improving before the party and if it doesn't, it won't be a big surprise if he's not invited. I feel your pain - we are social creatures and need community and sometimes need to tolerate people we don't like that much, but this child's behaviour is clearly not acceptable and you need to respect your son's feelings.

I think a lot of people on MN need to learn that the wellbeing of another child is not your responsibility, and cannot actually be your responsibility no matter how hard you try. Someone might be a bully due to a chaotic home life, undiagnosed MH or ND issues, witnessing that behaviour from adults, wanting attention or because he was simply born a sociopathic twat. Nothing any other mum can do will make it better or fix that sort of behaviour in the long term. Being invited, or not invited to one party makes fuck all of a difference.

If anything, birthday party politics is simply a form of fake virtue signalling. Inviting a child to a party is a very low-effort but potentially high reward gesture. Some mums love the "power" of gatekeeping the guest list because it makes them feel like a better person. They enjoy the feeling of being the one who can include or exclude children. On a practical level it makes no difference whatsoever since it's just a party that's being paid for and the guests themselves are totally interchangeable.

A single bday party invitation is a zero effort way to make yourself feel like a wonderful person who cares about making everyone feel included. But a one-off party is basically a fart in the wind for a problematic kid who is dealing with tons of other problems. However nobody in their right mind would volunteer for a high-effort but low-return gesture such as giving the bullied child's mum free childcare so she can fix her home life (or whatever is causing the issues). Or give her money in hopes of getting therapy for the child so everyone in the class can feel happy and safe.

When it comes down to it, unpleasant children in a group will still be excluded and disliked and nobody really gives a shit about them. Nobody will go out of their way to actually ask the family about what help they need or offer to give it, especially if YOUR child is the target of the bullying.

It's two questions, though:

How would you feel if everyone was invited except you, just because you're Asian, or wear glasses, or have two mums? Devastated, upset and grossly unfair, obviously.

How would you feel if everyone was invited except you, because you choose to bully, upset and be nasty to the other children. Errrmm, why would you expect them TO invite you in the first place?

I'm guessing that the question would be moot for OP's DS, if he is not a bully himself. You might as well ask people how they'd feel being locked up in prison for life for murder - reactions would differ very sharply indeed depending on whether they had actually done the murder or been an innocent passer-by and wrongly implicated!

Don't invite the kid. Make sure your son can clearly explain to the boy why he hasn't invited him eg "It doesn't really feel like we're friends. You laugh at me and hurt me, I don't want someone that behaves like this at my party" then the boy will know why he isn't invites and can maybe learn from it. I would also tell the mum if she asks or mentions the lack of invite. Just be kindly honest

You listen to your son - he's old enough to verbalize that it is making him uncomfortable. Ultimately it's his birthday and his needs should come first... also unless you want him to be a people pleaser at the expense of himself, you need to be proud that he is standing his ground and telling you (an authority figure) that he doesn't want this and have his back

If the other kid's parent makes a huff you can be honest - it may end up being a valuable lesson for the other boy about consequences of actions, as well as for the parent

Normally I'd agree with you. In the circumstances I agree with your son.

This isn't excluding due to a physical feature like being Asian or wearing glasses - it's due to behavior

It will be a cold day in hell when I ignore my child's wish to not have someone who is cruel to them, at their own birthday celebration. And I'd waste no time feeling sad about it. He's old enough to know the consequences of his behaviour.

If OP posted that her child had been excluded from a friends’ birthday party because he was routinely intimidating and belittling the host, she’d be getting the same replies in reverse. It’s a wide friendship group and DS clearly isn’t friends with this boy - and more than that, doesn’t want him at the party. That should be the end of it.

Are they actually friends, though? When it comes to kids, adults often have a tendency to use 'friends' as a catch-all, even where there is no friendship involved. Often, 'classmates' or 'school friends' is used when it just means children who go to the same school/are in the same class - a kind of child equivalent of where 'colleagues' would be more accurate.

When our DS was being bullied by some of the deeply unpleasant children in his class, the school (as they almost all seem to do) gaslighted and brushed it off as 'just kids being kids' and totally minimising the bullying. On a few occasions, they specifically used the phrase 'friendship issues' when the miscreants were horrid, spiteful children whom our DS would never choose to be friends with. Not enemies at all; just in no way friends.

As if it weren't bad enough being told as a victim of bullying that you aren't actually being bullied at all, and that you're mistaken/exaggerating/making it up, it's a nasty thing to blame somebody for 'not being a good friend' to somebody who mistreats and abuses them and has never, and will never, be remotely a 'friend'. Funny how it never seems to work the other way around; the bully is never told off or criticised for being a bad 'friend'.

Which is exactly the point that I was making.

He's been acting like a little shit for four years, it's time he received some consequences for once.

and what about OP's child's feelings? He has said he'd rather not have a party at all if he has to invite this child.

Children shouldn't have to accept unkind behaviour no matter what the reason is. Especially at their own birthday party.

Glad to read that you will support your son's wishes here. It's time that boy learned that his behaviour has consequences. All you need to say if asked is "This boy hasn't been very nice to my son lately so of course he hasn't invited him."

Might do the bully boy some good to understand why he is being left out this time!

You've used the phrase that your son "doesn't get on with" this other child, but that sounds to me as if you're minimising the situation. I received similar treatment to your son when I was at primary school, and it affects my life decisions and my mental health to this day. Stop worrying about the little bully's feelings and stand up for your son. Nine is plenty old enough for him to realise that bullying has consequences - you will be helping both of them in the long run.

Unless there are only 8 boys in your son's class, the bully isn't being excluded from the party, any more than other boys who are not invited. You have asked your som who he wants to invite and he has told you. Allow him to invite those boys that he wants to be there and enjoy his party.

I haven’t voted because it’s totally unclear which is supposed to be which! YABU because your son is right or YANBU to not invite this boy?

Anyway, do as your son wants and don’t invite this boy. It would be cruel to invite him after what your son has said, and also sends a message to your son that his feelings are irrelevant.

Don't invite the boy to the party if your son really feels uncomfortable. Instead, arrange an outing 1-2 days before with DS and the boy, take them out for icecream, a movie or something and say it's an early bday celebration... in this way he was included for one event.

I would listen to your child and use this to help him learn how to set boundaries around people who treat him badly.