AIBU to exclude 1 child from friendship group from DS party??

[Louisa80s]

Please help me out here...
DS is turning 9 in a few weeks and we have a party booked for up to 12 people. Currently at 10 with numbers.
DS is quiet and lacks confidence a little, but has a really lovely tight-knit group of boy mates. There is 1 child in their group of 8 friends, who since reception he hasn't got on with.
This boy will consistently laugh at DS's work, belittle him if he answers questions wrong, hit him and push him over 'playfully' etc. DS has come to write his invites tonight and said he doesn't want to invite this boy. He is absolutely adamant and not backing down.
He said he will ruin his birthday and he makes him uncomfortable. But my heart kind of breaks as he will know he is being excluded and it's not sitting right with me. DS has said if I invite him he would rather not have a party (already paid the deposit) And I don't know what to do.
I've never seen him so certain of a decision. But I also know how he and I would feel if the boot were on the other foot and it were him being excluded... something I've tried to explain to him but he keeps saying he doesn't care, he doesn't want him to to.
I get on with this boys mum pretty well too. She isnt a close friend, but we always stop and chat and we message off and on, she's really nice. I really don't think she thinks her son does anything wrong. Other parents definitely do see it as it's spoken about quite regularly.
Please help me decide what to do...

Your son should be able to have his voice heard and to make his own choice on his birthday. To say he'd rather not have a party at all if this boy was to come tells you the strength of his feelings, please listen to him and put his needs over your feelings of being awkward.

What about her poor sons perspective? If he doesn't want to spend a few hours at his birthday party with him in a group, he sure as hell isn't going to want to spend a day with him 1-1.

A good lesson for the boy, I’d have thought. If you’re not nice to people, they don’t invite you to their birthday parties.

As an adult in work would you invite everyone in the team to your party except one person because they were bullying you? No doubting Monday the news would get back to them and they’d then say you are the bully for leaving them out. I understand the principle behind leaving him out but I think we need to prepare kids for the real working world. This exact thing happened at my old job and sure enough the one who was the bully made a massive complaint to the managers to say she was being bullied and the party was her evidence, whereas people struggled to find evidence of her original bulling behaviour as it was their word against hers.

It’s not the OP’s child’s fault if you’re too much of a wet lettuce to not invite your bully to your party. You get that your party is not a work event? That not inviting someone you work with and don’t like is in no way a work issue? HR would not have the slightest interest in whether nasty Susan from Accounts did or didn’t get invited to Angela the receptionist’s Eurovision party.

Work is completely different in terms of relationships.

It’s not about being a wet lettuce - it is about navigating difficult situations.

I do find MN very black and white on this issue. I honestly don’t know what I’d do if I was the OP; I do know that thundering about bullies isn’t it!

It is a black and white issue to me.

I wouldn't invite someone who belittles me or physically assaults me to a special occasion and it is the same for DC. Especially an ongoing issue and especially when he feels so strongly about it that he'd rather not have a birthday party at all than invite this child. They are also 9, not 2.

But then I also would've addressed it with his parents a long time ago so it wouldn't come as a surprise. I'd use this as a reason to speak with his parents.

There's no way in hell I'd be inviting this kid. Have your sons back. Screw this kid, if he's being unkind then he can learn he will lose out.

The child has said he would rather not have a party than invite this child because of how he makes him feel. It’s supposed to be his special day and a 9 year old is old enough to understand that actions have consequences. Inviting the bully sends the message that his behaviour will be tolerated

The title looks like you will exclude. The text goes the other way.

At nine your son sees clearly what is going on. He needs to be allowed to protect himself. If the bully feels bad it may be a wake up call.

It certainly is being a wet lettuce if, as a functional adult, you invite someone who persistently mistreats you to your party out of poor boundaries, people-pleasing and a misunderstanding of workplace bullying.

There’s absolutely no reason to force an eight year old who has been clear about not wanting this child at his party to invite his bully because of an adult misperception that inviting your workplace bullying to your parties is a normal and inevitable thing to do.

I'd have been gutted if my mum had invited my school bully to my birthday party.
Just no. YABVU.

That’s largely why I said I don’t know what I’d do. I’m not there and I don’t know how the situations are unfolding. But I do think people oversimplify these situations.

Stop minimising what your son's telling you.
He says he's belittled, laughed at, hit, and you just say it's being "boisterous" and "playfully" hit.
You also want to invite this kid to his party, for potential more upset on his birthday.
Jeez. Poor kid.

I think these situations are inherently so difficult, because we can see it from the perspective of the other parent and child, and really feel for them. That said, I think you do have to back your son here. He is making a considered decision rather than being spiteful or unkind. It's the natural consequence of the other child's behaviour.

I think you could do quite a lot to make the situation less difficult by facing it head on and being proactive about it. I would message the other mum privately, before the invitations go out, and explain the situation. Keep it focused on your son's feelings rather than her son's behaviour. Perhaps something like:

Hi X, I wanted to mention something before [son's] birthday party invitations go out. We're letting [son] choose the guest list and he has said he doesn't feel comfortable inviting [your son]. He has found some of their recent interactions a bit uncomfortable and it has left him feeling anxious about spending time together.

I hope you understand this isn't meant unkindly. I know these things can be tricky with kids and their friendships. I'd really love for the boys to find a better footing with each other over time, and I'm very open to helping that happen if we can. I just wanted to be open about it with you, rather than it being awkward later.

She may be defensive about it and make accusations about your son's behaviour in return. If she does, just keep it calm, neutral and focussed on your own son's feelings - reiterate that you need to prioritise how he feels about his birthday.

I think you should maybe get on top of the situation don’t doesn’t back fire. You need to have your so sons back if he says he’d rather no party than invite the boy. So you go ahead with the party without the boy but maybe drop the mum a text to let her know that your son thinks the friendship has moved on from past years and (lie) to say space is limited. Ask if she wants to arrange a park play or similar with the kids (not birthday related) if he feels sad or excluded to show it isn’t that. Maybe at the play you can observe and commentate the behaviour your son dislikes objectively and without emotions with her and offer to take your son home early if he wants so she can see the impact it’s having on

I don’t think based on what you’ve said you should just not invite him without reaching out to her. Her sons ‘clown’ act really might be masking insecurities too

It’s a very simple situation. The OP’s child’s fault doesn’t want to have a child he doesn’t like, and who is persistently unpleasant to him, at his party. It’s really not that complicated. If there’s fallout, the OP will handle it, but the important thing remains, which is that her child enjoys his own ninth birthday party without the inhibiting presence of someone who mistreats him.

Sorry, your work colleagues went out on a jolly, out of work hours, nothing to do with anything official without the bully and the bully complained to the managers?! Wow! I hope the managers ignored the bully.

I wouldn't tolerate the bullying in the first place!

this.

why would you put a nine year old son through this? as i said before, he is not a support animal

What if OP's son doesn't want to play at the park with him at all? I wouldn't if I was him.

To be honest, it would have sold an awful lot of problems if OP had told her this before now, if she wants to keep her as a friend.

It wasn't just the 'sorry', but also the 'you have to respect your son’s wishes' - as though you wish you could override his perfectly reasonable requirements for his own birthday party, but he's being 'funny' about it.

Also, our views of what constitute abuse may differ - and of course I'm not saying that this boy is violent like the adult male abuser I posited - but imho he is being abusive in how he has chosen to repeatedly mistreat OP's DS over years.

That was totally different if you as an adult actively chose to give up some of your own comfort and happiness in exchange for what you felt you could gain from it longer term.

This boy is not OP's DS's boss or indeed anything to him, other than a bully.

You must have a very low bar if you believe that you should feel duty-bound to kowtow to the demands of horrible, abusive people just for fear that they may do even worse to you if you don't.