To be concerned my husband is taking a step back in his career

[EdgyCrow]

My husband is a senior commercial manager on a huge infrastructure project. He works extremely hard and always has (working until midnight multiple times a week and frequently on weekends). He earns a good salary but over the last 6 months has started to absolutely hate his job, is so stressed/angry and feels its far too much work.
He started talking about wanting to take a step back and have someone appointed above him. This made me nervous wondering if he'd be pushed out. He reached out to his boss who was very supportive who said they really valued him and thought he was doing a great boss but they would put someone in above him if that what he wanted. The next couple of weeks he continued to be very stressed and overworked and was so miserable. Today they are starting g the transition for someone to come in above him and im just so anxious about how it will play out. Has he talked himself out of a job? He says he is relieved and looking forward to not doing the management side. They haven't mentioned a pay cut but im worried that might happen? I feel guilty that I haven't been more supportive of him protecting his well being but have been preoccupied with what the financial impact will be in these expensive times!
For what its worth, we live below our means and do have surplus money each month so could technically afford a drop but have big plans for the money for our future.

I'd be more concerned about his mental health than his career. Job stress is the worst, it affects every part of your life. He could end up too ill to work if he keeps going the way he is.

You need to support him. What 'big plans' for the future do you have? Do you work?

Difficult to say if you are being unreasonable without knowing if you also work a similarly stressful job and or bring in similar earnings.

Sounds like his job is/ was making him ill

It's hard to know how this will impact on your quality of life without knowing all of the ins and outs, but if it helps then I can tell you that my husband choosing to drop down a grade and me going part time has improved our lives immeasurably. He works in finance and spent a lot of time in London (we are elsewhere in the UK), so was away form home a lot. Stepping down a grade has - with the added impact of Covid on their travel policy - almost completely negated his overnight travel and he is at home far more. To be fair, we could afford the changes in the first place and although we're not swimming in money day to day, we don't have debt beyond a small mortgage, and we have decent pensions etc.

He should aim for a personally sustainable job, not one he could die of stress from...

Could you pick up some slack financially?

You’ll be in a worse financial position if he burns out and has to quit entirely or totally ruins his mental health!

It doesn’t sound like he’s talking himself out of a job, it sounds like he’s been going above and beyond and working beyond his job role (at least in terms of time!) and his work have also been able to seen that and bring someone in. If they didn’t see his point they wouldn’t have agreed and brought someone in!

If you’re really worried about the financial position, are you able to jump up and earn some more?

Do you work? Having a job like this which sucks the very life force out of you is incredibly harmful short and long term (mental and physical health)
id be absolutely supporting your DH to make some significant changes to his working life

Difficult to say if you’re being unreasonable or not but I think you need to be supportive of his wellbeing and foremost. Let’s face it, you’d be in a much worse position if he became too unwell (mentally or physically) to work at all.

It sounds like he has taken important and proactive steps about his mental health before he totally burns out or reaches crisis point. He clearly couldn't keep going as he was.

Maybe this will result in a different turn to his career, but that's better than a breakdown.

I think you need to have a conversation about the financials and the big plans, and what a realistic medium - long term plan looks like and what can be put on the back burner for the sake of his health. There’s no good having e.g. a big house if your DH is stressed and making himself unwell trying to fund it, and your relationship a lifestyles therefore also suffer as a result. It sounds as though he’s recognised his breaking point and taken steps before he reaches it.

If the pressures of this company and role are high, would a similar and similarly-paying job elsewhere be something he can explore? Sometimes it’s not just the job itself which creates stress but the work environment and culture.

Sorry I do work, I am a teacher 4 days a week and carry most of the family load (2 primary aged kids) has he has always worked very hard.
I think because in teaching stepping down would not really be an option (as a role obvs you could reduce hours) it feels weird to me and im scared he'll eventually be pushed out.

He is calm and relieved and the impact on our family if he is happier would be huge! Im frustrated with myself that money is such a prominent concern but life is so expensive, voluntarily reducing income feels temporarily scary.

We are in a comfortable financial situation and can absorb some costs of a financial hit. By goals I just mean, retirement etc.

Why do i have a feeling that your concern is based upon money and not his career.

If your DH does step back could he share more of the children / household load?

Really helpful messages here, thank you. I will focus all of my response to be grateful and proud of him for taking decisive action for his mental health

If you have primary-aged DC then retirement doesn’t need to be your main focus right now. Yes, making some plans is important, but you can’t sacrifice decades of good health and wellbeing now. He has plenty of time to move his career in a different direction if he needs to without it affecting retirement.

As someone who has just seen a friend lose her husband in his early 50s to a sudden and fatal heart attack, I would encourage a balance of future financial planning with current wellbeing. I'm not suggesting a "fuck it, we'll survive somehow" approach, just something moderate which balances health and future wealth.

I suppose my question to you would be what's your alternative suggestion? Clearly he cannot carry on as he is without having a breakdown/leaving the job altogether so this seems a sensible proposal on his part if it's this or quitting.

Framing it as "should I worry about this?" isn't a very useful way to think about it, you have a problem and need to deal with it as a partnership, you should be actively considering what will work best for your family without compromising his mental health entirely.

His mental health is far more important than his career. It sounds like you're more concerned about maybe losing a bit of income. YABU.

Working til midnight and most of the weekends is no life, especially with young children....they need their dad and it's positive he has recognised the need to make a change for the better.

Health before wealth.

I applaud your husband for recognising that he can’t go on working as he does. I’m sure it’s not a decision he made lightly. I know everyone lives according to their means, but you can’t put a price on mental health.

Really helpful messages here, thank you. I will focus all of my response to be grateful and proud of him for taking decisive action for his mental health

Thank goodness he’s taken steps to protect his health- wise man.

In your shoes I’d be very relieved but you do seem rather more preoccupied with thinking about money.

As others have asked: what are YOUR plans for getting that money together for the future plans? You can earn it, yes?

Mental health takes precedence over financial concerns imo.

If you have genuine (perhaps unfounded) worries, get them out visually. Budget on a spreadsheet. If there is actually nothing to be concerned about, you can look back at your spreadsheet budget for reassurance whenever you feel a panic coming on

Of course he can step down. There is nothing to give you worry as his boss says he is valued and they have agreed to his proposal. You are projecting your feelings onto his situation and kindly schools aren't the same as the business world (not saying better or worse just not the same). It's happening (and quickly which is good) so why are you worrying now.

Yes, you should have been more supportive in the same way you would expect your OH to be of you. He is struggling and you are thinking of yourself. He has found a solution and made it happen with no detriment to you or the family.

Sorry OP but I think you are being unreasonable.

In response to people suggesting I'm concerned about the income, I agree and I think that's why I'm challenging my own mindset.
I do believe that in today's very expensive world where everyone creates a life around their income, as we have been on this income for 5 or so years, most sensible people would have some thoughts about the financial implications whilst also being supportive and grateful for their husbands dedication. We can certainly make changes to lessen the financial impact.
I am going to put those thoughts aside for another day at the moment though and ensure he know he has my full support.

@EdgyCrow your financial situation and future will be a lot worse if he has a total breakdown. Friend's husband is now in his 13th month of being totally dependent upon her, intervention from mental health, suicide attempts, complete paranoia, now sectioned and having ECT treatment. Totally out of the blue, never had a MH issue in his life, then a load of stress factors hit all at once. She says she feels like she will now be his carer for life. So in light of that, a salary cut is a small sacrifice to protect his MH.