To be concerned my husband is taking a step back in his career

[EdgyCrow]

My husband is a senior commercial manager on a huge infrastructure project. He works extremely hard and always has (working until midnight multiple times a week and frequently on weekends). He earns a good salary but over the last 6 months has started to absolutely hate his job, is so stressed/angry and feels its far too much work.
He started talking about wanting to take a step back and have someone appointed above him. This made me nervous wondering if he'd be pushed out. He reached out to his boss who was very supportive who said they really valued him and thought he was doing a great boss but they would put someone in above him if that what he wanted. The next couple of weeks he continued to be very stressed and overworked and was so miserable. Today they are starting g the transition for someone to come in above him and im just so anxious about how it will play out. Has he talked himself out of a job? He says he is relieved and looking forward to not doing the management side. They haven't mentioned a pay cut but im worried that might happen? I feel guilty that I haven't been more supportive of him protecting his well being but have been preoccupied with what the financial impact will be in these expensive times!
For what its worth, we live below our means and do have surplus money each month so could technically afford a drop but have big plans for the money for our future.

As others say, I think he has made a really sensible and in some ways brave decision. A lot of people wouldn’t be able to accept they need to make a change due to pride, fear etc. working until midnight several times a week is crazy and so so unhealthy, especially if you have some financial buffer. totally normal to also have concerns about the future but as you have recognised, supporting him in this decision and approaching as a team makes sense. Hope his work life improves

Do not underestimate the impact of stress on every part of your health - mental and physical. What he was doing was unsustainable and should never have really got to that level.

Good for him to recognising this and making the changes. You just need to be supportive now. If he steps down a bit maybe he could help you out more at home.

He could maybe think about a sideways move and then working his way up in a different industry where the hours aren’t so long and there’s less stress.

You should make him quit and support him for a while.

I dont understand people who are willing to live 40yrs of misery just to secure a good pension. Yes I know its important but so is living life NOW. Hes clearly over worked and stressed to the max. And your worried about a pension which is decades off. It honestly baffles me.

I suppose you have to ask yourself…”do I want to be a widow?”

If you don’t, then do what we all have to do…live according to your means. Cut back. Try being self sufficient.

A happy husband is a far better alternative to a dead one.

I'd be certain a pay cut would happen. It wouldn't be very fair if it didn't. But his happiness and work life balance ultimately must be taken into consideration.

He does need to be open with you about where it leaves you as a family financially. As any sacrifices would either need to his alone or agreed on.

I think you should be proud of him for recognising he's approaching a crisis point before it's happened. It's really hard for people whose identities are tied up with work to recognise that before it's too late, or to try to ignore their feelings and work even harder.

Whatever the outcome of this is, it'll be easier than having to support him if he'd been incapacitated by burnout.

Commercial managers in construction/major works/infrastructure etc. are worth their absolute weight in gold, I work in recruitment in this industry and they are by far the most difficult to fill roles. There's absolutely no chance his employer would let him go, he has done the right thing to take a step back and I doubt they will reduce his pay massively (possibly a small decrease although I actually doubt it). It sounds like he was doing the job of 2 people and now he can just do 1.

He sounds really sensible and no doubt has good employment prospects outside of this role of it came to that.

It’s absolutely miserable grinding away in a job like that if you don’t love it. You’ve got used to having extra income to squirrel away but presumably could make a few cut backs in order to still be able to save a bit?

Mate... That doesn't happen. 😆

"Sorry I do work, I am a teacher 4 days a week and carry most of the family load"

Seems a bit harsh to say you worry about the financial impact of his decision when you only work 4 days so are not maximising your income either.

Perhaps you could go back up to a 5 day timetable to mitigate some of the lost income?

OP, it sounds as if his ours were absolutely insane. 70- 80 hours a week or so? Not sustainable.
Was he paid for overtime?
If not, then he was being absolutely screwed.

I agree with the poster suggesting you increase to 5 days a week, after all if he drops dead then I suspect you would only have your part time earnings and his life insurance.

And I suppose there are opportunities / promotions you can plan for in years to come depending if Primary or Secondary - SEN specialist / Head of year / etc.

Thank you for all replies. I think the biggest thing that has opened my eyes is that his working hours were previously insane. I know that sounds ridiculous, but for our whole relationship, he has worked evenings until late and so I didn't really have anything to compare it to. His salary is much higher than I grew up with so I think I just kind of thought that's how many hours you have to work to command the salary. So its been really helpful to understand that this is not acceptable or normal.
I am definitely able to now see that he has done such a positive thing for himself and our family.

In terms of increasing my days to full time to mitigate, this is an option but would have impact on our family set up where he would need to take on more which may not be possible. But food for thought as well as looking at where to tweak. Thank you all for helping me see this with more clarity.

Someone close to me had a heart attack recently, and it's really been a wake up call to slow down and focus on wellbeing.
Put simply, there's no point in having those big plans if the journey itself is gonna kill you.

Yes, dont neglect his all round health.

It sounds like he’s happy to take a pay cut, what’s the issue? He currently earns a good salary and he’s absolutely miserable. The hours he’s currently working sound completely unsustainable.
You don’t sound sympathetic to your husband at all.

Gosh, I’d be more worried about his physical health and mental health than any future money plans.

Working those hours for years and years leads to a higher risk of stroke, heart disease, depression, Alzheimer’s and early death. Also, isn’t it ruining your marriage ?

I’m wondering about your income. What percentage of the household income do you make, and do you have the potential to make? If he steps back a bit could he pick up some kid stuff (pick ups/drop offs) and you work more hours to make up the gap?

I understand people's questions about why I work 4 days etc and why I dont care about his wellbeing and I'm concerned that's how it looks from the outside. I definitely dont feel like a freeloader in my marriage, I do 90% of the family load and the day off helps me to do that. I bring in 50% of his salary so the extra day would not make a huge difference to our finances considering we'd need 2 kids in wraparound care. There's no bones of contention in the relationship, we both play our part. I think two things can be true- I can be very concerned about his wellbeing and concerned about the financial impact of changes. I think most people would have to reassess their finances if their partners income dropped and whilst its absolutely worth it, it doesn't mean its not a consideration at all.

The stories about the impact of stress on health have alarmed me. Probably naive to not have considered it too much before but my husband has been working long hours for our entire relationship and has always balanced this with an active social life and general happiness. This hasn't come from nowhere,its been brewing for 6 months or so but reached a point last weekend where he said he couldn't continue as it. Reading that everyone thinks his hours have been mad though has really opened my eyes and the dangers of stress and im grateful he has made the change.

I hear what you’re saying OP but the situation is completely untenable for your DH and he can’t go on like this. I understand the financial worries and it may help if you both sit down and have a 5 year plan. So he looks at long term options for his career either at his current business or a new job. A sideways move and then work his way back up somewhere where the hours would be less? A career change?

Plus at some point childcare costs go right down so you’ll be in a better position. It was never sustainable for him to work himself in to a nervous breakdown..!

People get stuck in the main breadwinner role with seemingly no way out. It's absolutely relentless pressure for years and years.

The oh I only earn 50% of what they do so there would be no point...isn't helpful. Have some empathy. Open the lines of communication. Maybe switch roles for a while.

OP have you seen what @TinyCottageGirl said? Seems like she has more knowledge than most of your husband’s industry.

About 5 years ago my DH said he couldn't continue his role, the stress was eating him alive. It consumed everything.

He's still with the same company, no line management anymore but in a more specialised role, highly regarded, many decent salary jumps. If he hadn't spoken out there'd have been no chance he'd still be with the company, and it would have destroyed his confidence.
I wish him well and I'm sure it will be worth if for you both.

For your DH to have asked for this would indicate to me he was way closer to a full breakdown than you realised - as this would be a difficult ask in most work places. And that would have led to a massive drop in income - as opposed to no actual drop in income (just fears of a future one).