To be concerned my husband is taking a step back in his career

[EdgyCrow]

My husband is a senior commercial manager on a huge infrastructure project. He works extremely hard and always has (working until midnight multiple times a week and frequently on weekends). He earns a good salary but over the last 6 months has started to absolutely hate his job, is so stressed/angry and feels its far too much work.
He started talking about wanting to take a step back and have someone appointed above him. This made me nervous wondering if he'd be pushed out. He reached out to his boss who was very supportive who said they really valued him and thought he was doing a great boss but they would put someone in above him if that what he wanted. The next couple of weeks he continued to be very stressed and overworked and was so miserable. Today they are starting g the transition for someone to come in above him and im just so anxious about how it will play out. Has he talked himself out of a job? He says he is relieved and looking forward to not doing the management side. They haven't mentioned a pay cut but im worried that might happen? I feel guilty that I haven't been more supportive of him protecting his well being but have been preoccupied with what the financial impact will be in these expensive times!
For what its worth, we live below our means and do have surplus money each month so could technically afford a drop but have big plans for the money for our future.

He has done the right thing. Mine retired really early, we had factored him in going at 60 but he left at 56 as he was getting stress related eczema and not sleeping well by that point so that was bye to 70k PA. He was thoroughly miserable in his job by then, the whole sector is under stress and now it’s getting to compulsory redundancies and he would have had to be involved with that and he is just not the type to cope with people being upset.

I actually turned down promotion many years ago and DH was fully supportive. It’s not like you are on the breadline is it.

He works extremely hard and always has (working until midnight multiple times a week and frequently on weekends)

that's not a sustainable way to work. I would be worried he has no work/life balance. Money isn't everything, your health should come first.

I don't see where the OP says she contacted her DH's boss? That would be out of line for sure.

OP none of us no how long we've got and your DH slogging his guts out in a stressful job is no way to live. As long as you've got a roof over your heads and the basics covered then good mental health and quality of life have got to take precedence. Your post comes across as selfish.

I was diagnosed with cancer out of the blue recently and it's been a real wake up call to appreciate life. Our household income is half of yours in far less stressful jobs but DH and I are already planning for him to reduce his hours so we can send more time together and make the most of life.

I work in the same field, long hours without overtime payment is the norm. Not saying it's right, it's just how construction is. But if he's in that position, I doubt his salary will be cut if he does take a step down. There's a real shortage, and it would cost them more to get a replacement. Graduates are starting at £35,000 just now.

I work in a similar field and people are pushed very hard. It sounds like its a two person job.
Well done him for asking for support

My dh didn't and had burnout and almost 2 years off work. Now part time

He works extremely hard and always has (working until midnight multiple times a week and frequently on weekends)

His employer needs taking to task here - no-one should be working those sort of hours.

This is actually sad to read. DH and I met somewhere we worked those hours and we both left. We are fine financially but frankly far less wealthy than we would have been had we stayed but at what cost?

Also he really is not that well paid to be working like that.

Im sorry but whaaaat?! I have never called his boss.

This post is way ott. And lacking so much context and understanding aboutnmy family

. Are you ok? I have clearly and repeatedly recognised i needed to not worry about the financial aspect. I am human and not every response is perfect but I challenged my position by writing on here and have taken on all of the feedback. Maybe a little more kindness?

He was headed for burnout. He's done the right thing in the short term. He can re assess further down the line and maybe look for a job elsewhere. Yes, he has taken a step back but it's not necessarily a permanent thing.

What sort of company does he work for? I'm in a fts 250 company that is restructuring and I have applied for voluntary redundancy. It might sound mental but things are toxic at the moment, I can't explain what it feels like to love going to work and then hate it in a matter of months. I would be more than happy to take my payout and get a lower paid job.

I would really encourage your husband to go with his gut feeling, it sounds like he is being listened too and he really needs the break. Going to work is always made out to be a chore but some people love it or have no choice but to try and love it.

I think this response must be rage bait!

Mumsnet is for all people on all incomes. It is unreasonable to think that people on higher salaries do not experience financial worries. You cut your cloth to suit. We have had this income for many years so our mortgage and commitments are reflective of that. A pay cut will impact those commitments. Yes we could reduce our mortgage by moving but that's not a simple, stress free fix.

Be more empathetic. I fully understand people make tighter budgets work but I challenge any one with a budget to take a pay cut and not experience a moment of concern for how that will actually play out.

I know I am a very supportive wife and we are an excellent team. No concerns there.

A pay cut will not impact your commitments if you work full time though.

Should have said, graduates in Scotland

Oh come off it.

Your own post makes it perfectly clear you do not have financial worries.

Your own post also makes it clear that you have not built up commitments which match your income. You are very clear that you live beneath your means and make savings every month.

You get a good public sector pension as a teacher. You are saving for a more luxurious pension.

You can't rewrite reality to pretend that this was about ' financial worries' when you have previously so articulately outlined your comfortable financial position and retirement goals.

You were worried about losing your luxurious financial position and wanted your husband to be miserable and overworked to maintain that.

As for patting yourself on the back for taking on board feedback, normal people do not need internet strangers to tell them its not a nice to want your husband to work himself to an early grave and be miserable to fund your luxury lifestyle. They just don't. Most people intuitively care for their partners. They don't need a social media poll of strangers to remind them of this.

And you are not even facing a paycut! That makes it all even more bonkers! You wanted him to be miserable and work long long hours to avoid any possibility of the pay cut that only existed in your imagination, but had not even been hinted at by anyone at his work, let alone his boss.

Oh and I love the fact that a house move, that is not even needed, is too much stress for you, but your husband working long hours and being miserable is not too much stress for him 🙄

You are just selfish.

Sounds like his mental health has declined and you haven’t noticed, as you are worried about him losing his job.

Wow. I hope you're OK, you seem really angry.

Everyone else has been supportive and helpful. I dont understand how this post wasn't about financial worries. There is so much I would love to come back with point by point but I sense its wasted energy. I hope you're kinder to people in IRL if they seek advice.

You’re not a supportive wife when your first thought was ££, were you never concerned at his insane workload? his declining MH? oh no, just how can we survive on less than £150k, jesus wept.

As I mentioned earlier in the post, I genuinely didn't think his hours were out of the ordinary. He's worked those hours for the 10 years I've known him. And he has always presented as fine.

I haven't mentioned these points because I didn't want to share and now it feels like I am making excuses but its my husband who seeks the luxurious lifestyle. He loves cars and watches and wants expensive versions of these. I take the tram to work and am not interested in 'things'. He has always wanted to earn high to afford these things so we do have financial commitments (his car etc). But this is by the by, we are a good team and are supportive of each other.

Please be a little kinder in the way you speak to people, even if you disagree and even with stranger on the Internet.

I don’t accept that you didn’t think working until midnight and weekends were normal, I’ve not been unkind, you want to backtrack now it’s being pointed out you’ve been pretty thoughtless.

"Be more empathetic"

There's a certain irony in your saying this when this whole thread is about your husband stepping back from work and the financial impact it might have whilst strangers on the internet point out to his wife that he sounds like he is on the verge of a breakdown...

I've accepted it over and over, I quickly realised financial concerns were for another day. Read back through my comments where I have expressed my gratitude for helping me see it clearly. People can have less than perfect responses to things and learn from them. You dont need a pound of flesh as well. Being kind is allowing people to accept errors without continuing to bash them over and over. Be a bit nicer to people.

Be more empathetic with people owning a mistake. Read my previous comments where I have been very grateful for clarity.
I still struggle to accept that people wouldn't have a single thought about the financial image of a pay cut to their family finances. I brought that thought here instead of to my husband. Many people helped me to see that this shouldn't be a priority and I quickly realised that.
Let's try to be a bit more supportive when people come asking for help. That's what forums are for.

Thank you for your thoughts everyone, most of the comments really helped me get a better understanding of the impacts of prolonged stress and how unreasonable his hours were! I'll not be checking the comments and more as its taking up a lot of my bandwidth but am grateful for the insights and anecdotes:)

I’m sorry to say you sound rather selfish - I’d only be concerned with my partners health (mental and physical). He’s finishing work at midnight often - have a word with yourself !