To be concerned my husband is taking a step back in his career

[EdgyCrow]

My husband is a senior commercial manager on a huge infrastructure project. He works extremely hard and always has (working until midnight multiple times a week and frequently on weekends). He earns a good salary but over the last 6 months has started to absolutely hate his job, is so stressed/angry and feels its far too much work.
He started talking about wanting to take a step back and have someone appointed above him. This made me nervous wondering if he'd be pushed out. He reached out to his boss who was very supportive who said they really valued him and thought he was doing a great boss but they would put someone in above him if that what he wanted. The next couple of weeks he continued to be very stressed and overworked and was so miserable. Today they are starting g the transition for someone to come in above him and im just so anxious about how it will play out. Has he talked himself out of a job? He says he is relieved and looking forward to not doing the management side. They haven't mentioned a pay cut but im worried that might happen? I feel guilty that I haven't been more supportive of him protecting his well being but have been preoccupied with what the financial impact will be in these expensive times!
For what its worth, we live below our means and do have surplus money each month so could technically afford a drop but have big plans for the money for our future.

He hates his job, it’s making him ill, and instead of moaning about it, he’s taken some action to resolve it. Sounds like a great guy to me.

I think it is good he has recognised the situation he is in and has been proactive in trying to help himself and address stress and tiredness levels.
His physical and mental health are far more important for your family long term than the financial gain. He either carries on as he is and won’t get to live to retirement age or he does reach retirement age with bad chronic illnesses.
If anything you should support his decision if it means his stress levels will be drastically reduced. At the same time you should have a frank conversation about the future of your long term financial plans because it is making you very stressed. Together you can plan better rather than you worry in your head about it on your own.

It reasonable to be also concerned about income.

why is the solution to bring someone above him rather than below?

If he is only earning twice what a teacher working 0.8 FT is earning while working until midnight multiple times a week and weekends, then he is absolutely 100% right to pull back. A ‘senior manager’ role working what must be 70+ hours a week should be earning minimum £200k. His employer is taking the piss.

Taking a long term view, a small reduction now which allows him to work for longer is better than carrying on, burning out and ending up not earning at all.

Surely they would have told him if he was getting a pay cut?

I thought the same when she said she earns 50% of his salary.

@EdgyCrow as the main earner and someone who has always done manic hours he’s telling you he needs a break. When I said this to my DH it was OK. And my break was I'm going to take a year off, I then changed that to a quarter (I run my own consultancy) as I'd be bored. But coming back into it I am resetting and now only working 3.5 days a week.

Probably because he doesn't want to add more management to the workload.

Get income protection insurance first thing tomorrow morning just in case he does actually have a breakdown and then at least you’ll have the still coming in.

My OH did similar. He was a GP and the stress became too much for him so at 42 he left the practice and just did locums, working part time. The repercussions in our case were huge ... we had to downsize and move house. I upped my working hours.
I regret nothing. Before he retired fully (at 60) he was found to have Parkinsons Disease and had no quality retirement at all before he died at 72. I spent a lot of time nursing him and our lives were greatly curtailed.
His pension was/is of course much smaller but I manage.
Your OH is right to protect his mental health. It is good he can do this without your lifestyles being badly impacted.
I hope life will be easier for you all now.

I agree.

He's being very sensible to have spoken to his employer about this, asking for help, and they clearly value him because they have taken action.

By sounds of things he is teetering on the edge of being extremely unwell, and is aware of that and has hopefully averted a real crisis.

Interesting, I'm on 50k (i have various add ons for responsibility), he's just shy of 100k. No idea if that's reasonable but it seems not based on his hours? Even more food for thought

If he’s only on double what a teacher doing 4 days is receiving then he’s being incredibly poorly paid for the working expectation.
It’s sounds like he wouldn’t even be coming close to minimum wage for the amount of hours he’s doing.

If you work 4 days and he just earns double it’s actually much more worthwhile than you think for him to drop a day and you to work one more, particularly around those salary markers. It’s more tax efficient, it would likely put him back into the child benefit threshold.

You would probably be financially better off with you working an additional day and him reducing to 4.

The question is whether you would do this, because despite your husbands state, you do seem to be somewhat against this on principal.

I'm a teacher too and I have done what your husband has done- been in middle management and stepped down from it, in the same school too. The relief was immense and I would never ever go back to it - the money is not worth the stress at all.

Not sure what you mean about teachers not stepping back - surely all kinds of roles involve stepping back? Think how many teachers leave teaching! because of the pressure. And I know of teachers who have deliberately gone into less ddemanding roles or dropped hours - or turned down senior management roles

It sounds as if your husband is well respected and behaved in a mature and sensible way

I do understand as my own husband walked away from a job that was making him unhappy and it has been financially difficult but - we only get one life!

you don't want him on his death bed miserable about the years he wasted so unhappy

I’d say good for him but, if he’s the type who works stupid hours then that inclination won’t necessarily go away with a step down I’d suggest. It can be driven by your personality type - so he needs to keep a firm grip on that.

This post has to be rage bait. A joint income of £150k , masses of savings and saving each month, and you are worried how you will cope with a ( not even happening) drop in income? How do you think the 97% of the UK households manage who earn less than that?

Care so little for your husband that you rather he is hardly home, is miserable and works himself to ill health or early death than you have a slightly less luxurious retirement?

I’ve been on MN for about 14 years and I have never said this before, but Jesus Christ I hope he leaves you and finds someone better.

A work colleague family man with primary aged kids dropped dead in his kitchen at 42 a heart attack after months of crazy work hours and stress.

TBH OP it sounds like his company has taken the right action to prevent a good and valued employee leave in terms of employing another person to do the second job he’s been shouldering.

That really doesn’t happen very often, generally they’re quite happy to let you fall over and then wonder why/get cross when you leave. I reckon a pay cut isn’t on the cards.

One job I had they were quite happy for me to burn out, leave and then replace me with 3 people.

Unusual senario: You're a teacher and you have a partner who actually works longer hours than you, yet you of all people, cannot see how crippling this must be.

He earns more than you, so must be in a very senior position within his company and you had the audacity to contact his boss about him.

Your behaviour and attitude are shocking.

Despite your protestations, you are treating him like a cash cow.

I feel you need to re-examine your relationship dynamic. I'm all for the woman calling the shots: we are wiser and more efficient than men, but you are exploiting your role as matriarch.

As a teacher, you will have seen the impact of work stress, surely? Debilitating.
Good on your husband for making such a sensibly career decision.

Mental health comes first - what’s the alternative OP? He continues as he is and eventually has a breakdown?

From experience my Dad had a very high powered job - CEO for a large company. Very long hours, lots of travel and he eventually became a functioning alcoholic. It wasn’t unusual to go my parents and he would have a G&T at 10am. I wish he had taken a step back earlier and worked on himself. He eventually took a step down at 61 - he actually had made some mistakes and he was forced to. He died at 63.

He was working brutal hours for that salary. I might work til midnight once a month on average not a couple of times a week (senior role in Big 4).

There are a lot of other major infra projects on the go - he may have options elsewhere too depending on where you live if this reset doesn’t work out.

When a work friend left the firm had to hire 4 additional staff to cover what she was doing.