Friend “hit(?)” my 8 year old.

[NetflixandKill1]

Help. Long time reader, first time poster.
so I am in a friendship group of 3 women. Myself, and Carrie and Nieve (names changed) We’ve been friends for a good few years. Between us there are 6 children. 5 girls, and my boy. Usually we all get along so well. Myself and my 2 friends have shared some deep things and we’ve bonded well. On the odd occasion I will feel like the outsider of the group. Carrie and Nieve tend to arrange things outside of our group chat. This hurt in the past, but I’m grown and accept that they’re just closer in general.
So, to the incident.
My child (8 M) was walking toward me and Nieve and Nieve child (8 F) launched towards him and tapped him, she he did the same back. Nieve got mad and said to my son “don’t punch my daughter otherwise I’ll punch you) he reacted quickly and replied “ok go on then” so she did. It was with a clenched fist, and a light jab on the top of his arm. This completely shocked me. I got upset and left. It couldn’t leave my mind so I ended up messaging her and telling her how I felt. I said it really upset me, and I don’t hit my own children so for another adult to do that, really hurt. She apologised for hurting my feelings, but will not apologise for what she did. She can’t see her wrong doing. She’s very impulsive, so I assumed she acted on impulse and I gave her a few days to think it over. I asked her if she had chance to think it through and her response was “no, should I have?” I’m heartbroken. She’s adamant she’s done nothing wrong. I basically told her she needed to apologise, but she has flat out refused. She spoke to another mutual friend we have who confirmed it would upset her also, but she still can’t accept it. I’m ready to walk away from this friendship. I don’t know if I’m making this bigger than it needs to be. Help. I am perfectly able to hear saw honesty. AITA

I very much agree with this, teaching your son to hit back won’t keep him or the children around him safe.

I must admit I'd have reported her.

I think what she did is terrible but I also think you should have put a stop to these hangouts a while ago - certainly after the other incident (can't believe you let another adult push your child over!) but probably before that as well when it was clear the children weren't really getting on very well.

But this is enough now. She's shown who she is and there's no coming back from that.

(I still think you should reframe what you're teaching your kid though as he didn't really need to push her daughter just because she misbehaved first)

I think you need to see Carrie for what she is as well.

She has effectively told you that she is fine with Nieve hitting your son.

Remember you said 'Carrie said she hasn’t taken sides, but she will have Nieves back regardless.'

This is not a friend, that is borderline evil.

Yep- same here. She is an adult and adults should know how to behave better than children. I would also make it known to her that the reason I am cutting off all contact is due to her anger and violence towards my CHILD.

I think that was something that happened when her children were younger, but her mum intervened and told her it needs to stop.
I used to get smacked from my dad, so maybe this is where my hurt comes from.
I will try to be more assertive and stand up for what I believe to be right. I knew I was right about this situation but I just needed clarification really. Even if she apologised now, it’s all too late. I can’t oversee this. My boy was fine. He’s happy go lucky and not a lot affects him really. He’s not perfect, but I pull him in where I need to. Thank you for your insight.

Fuck no Yanbu. She sounds mental. Firstly her child put her hands on yours first, secondly you don’t punch someone else’s kid especially with force. Wtf! I expect she thinks that if she apologises she is admitting wrongdoing, keeping her stance makes the point that her behaviour was reasonable and justified (obviously it wasn’t).

I would cut her off entirely. She wouldnt even get the chance to apologise if it were my child she’d laid her hands on. And if anyone questions why you are no longer friends you tell them it’s because she punched your child.

Your ‘friend’ is a freak. It doesn’t matter what kind of ‘force’ was used. The sentiment would be enough for me to permanently bin this friendship and block her.

This is unhinged behaviour from an adult who doesn’t understand their authority position in respect of a child. And it amounts to an abuse of authority.

@NetflixandKill1 her dm may have intervened (which is shocking btw that she had to) but she won't be there all the time.

I would let the school know, as they're at school together, that due to the other child hitting your son first and then the child's mother punching your son when he retaliated, you have severed all contact with this family and ask them to please be mindful that he is safeguarded in school. All of these frenemies need blocking.

You sound like a really lovely person and you are not in the wrong here. Don't speak to that woman again however, your passive reaction was not good. It doesn't matter if its not your normal energy to be confrontational - if an adult hits your kid you need to be on this immediately and protect him.

You are better than me. I’d have been punching that “friend” myself!!

The friendship is over. I wouldn’t even try to explain to her as she doesn’t even think she has done anything wrong. Just block. I would maybe speak to school just so they are aware that something has happened incase her children start bullying etc.

I've always taught him not to ever start conflict, but if somebody hits you, you do the exact same back. Every time.

This is utterly terrible advice. I'm astonished you can't see how dangerously bad a motto this is.

Firstly, if your son is being threatened by a group or someone with a weapon, the best thing to do is comply with their demand (eg hand over wallet) and get to safety. Not fight back or he could get seriously hurt.

Secondly, if you are hit by someone weaker, you do not physically fight back or you could get into serious trouble.

Your friend Nieve is clearly unreasonable, maybe prejudiced against boys...But the longer term message your son needs to take on board, before he goes through puberty, is not to fight back if a girl hits or "taps" him. After he goes through puberty he will be bigger and stronger than girls and could do serious harm.

No one will care if a girl "tapped him first", if, as a young man, he then thumps her back. He could end up in prison.

It’s ok to not be assertive, not everyone can be.

But you can do the right thing by your child now and report the assault on him to the police.

This!
not only is she condoning hitting to both children she is also acting it out which only makes it worse. She shown what a poor human being she is let alone a parent.
Would end this friendship instantly and never look back.

I would raise a safeguarding concern with both the school and social services.

If this woman is prepared to punch a child, in full view of their parent and the general public, what does she do to her own children at home behind closed doors?

That’s really concerning.

I think it's dangerous to teach kids "don't hit" because they need to know it's ok to defend themselves. BUT I tell mine that's only if you can't get away or get help. That's the only situation where it's right to hit.

A much better message to boys/young men is, if a girl hits you, you say firmly "don't hit me" and then either avoid this girl or take it to authorities (depending on severity). You do not "fight back" or you're on a fast track to a domestic abuse charge.

I'm astonished that as a mother of a son you haven't thought this through... your son won't be 8 forever, one day he'll be 18 and a big burly man. No, you do not fight back against a girl.

Of course Nieve and her daughter are very unreasonable. But the answer is to avoid them, not to hit back.

Edit to explain, by authorities I mean a teacher, parent when they're children... or if it happens as an adult, police.

Carrie for all her protestations that she won’t take sides has taken Nieves side.

Does Carrie have a problem with the truth

Who on earth are the 32% who voted that the OP is being unreasonable! OP is quite right to be upset that her so-called friend would punch her son like this.

Obviously another parent cannot properly hit your child.
But I would find your enquiry about whether she had "had time to think it over", expecting that she would change her view, also very weird and I'm not surprised she reacted badly to that.
You should decide after the first discussion whether to walk away from the friendship or not. Whether you do or not depends on force, intent, etc. Don't implore her to think differently than she did, it comes across all wrong.

You tell him to hit back? That may well be the first problem and may well not go well as he gets older. So he was running fast to you, she got in his way and bumped him and he's programmed to hit back every time. The girl's mum shouldn't have tapped him back but that seems to be the rules of the game.

Personally I don’t think you took the hint to go away and leave Nieve and Carrie alone

Genuine question. I got the vibe from your first post. Possibly because dd was the third wheel in something like this when she was younger.
I haven’t read any other threads you have posted and could be looking at this through my own lens.
Won’t get into the whole saga but it ended with physically much younger and smaller DS retaliating after teengirl hit him and then teen went crying to her mother that DS was violent.
We walked away. But did warn DD’s bf’s mum that this girl wanted more than being bf’s (Did take 10 years but turned out I was right)

It does sound like Nieve would like to get skin to skin close with Carrie and doesn’t want you hanging around, cramping her style.
So punching your child has got her the desired outcome and already Carrie is coming out on her side.

Carrie might think you are getting in the way of a beautiful friendship. Whilst Nieve is thinking you are getting in the way of a beautiful love affair.

Limerance on both sides here

That's a bit of a jump...

I have also seen the end of this close friendship when the object of desire suddenly realises that their very very close friend wants to get even closer

Dd did have the last laugh after enduring nasty remarks and being on her own in school and not having anyone to go out with for a few months.

Exbf ended up being expelled.

Other girl ended up losing her bf and to rub salt into her wounds the girl who filled her place in the class when she arrived, dd and her took one look at each other and started to giggle because they look virtually the same 14 years later new girl and dd are bffs.