Friend “hit(?)” my 8 year old.

[NetflixandKill1]

Help. Long time reader, first time poster.
so I am in a friendship group of 3 women. Myself, and Carrie and Nieve (names changed) We’ve been friends for a good few years. Between us there are 6 children. 5 girls, and my boy. Usually we all get along so well. Myself and my 2 friends have shared some deep things and we’ve bonded well. On the odd occasion I will feel like the outsider of the group. Carrie and Nieve tend to arrange things outside of our group chat. This hurt in the past, but I’m grown and accept that they’re just closer in general.
So, to the incident.
My child (8 M) was walking toward me and Nieve and Nieve child (8 F) launched towards him and tapped him, she he did the same back. Nieve got mad and said to my son “don’t punch my daughter otherwise I’ll punch you) he reacted quickly and replied “ok go on then” so she did. It was with a clenched fist, and a light jab on the top of his arm. This completely shocked me. I got upset and left. It couldn’t leave my mind so I ended up messaging her and telling her how I felt. I said it really upset me, and I don’t hit my own children so for another adult to do that, really hurt. She apologised for hurting my feelings, but will not apologise for what she did. She can’t see her wrong doing. She’s very impulsive, so I assumed she acted on impulse and I gave her a few days to think it over. I asked her if she had chance to think it through and her response was “no, should I have?” I’m heartbroken. She’s adamant she’s done nothing wrong. I basically told her she needed to apologise, but she has flat out refused. She spoke to another mutual friend we have who confirmed it would upset her also, but she still can’t accept it. I’m ready to walk away from this friendship. I don’t know if I’m making this bigger than it needs to be. Help. I am perfectly able to hear saw honesty. AITA

This is a safeguarding concern. You need to report this.

I agree with this. You are absolutely right to end contact with this woman, this is separate, but I would rethink that messaging for all the reasons @Kingdomofsleep laid out.

My line is that you only act in self defense if you actually need to to stop them hurting you, not just as retaliation - that way escalation lies, or worse.

After an altercation between the kids, which is what a lot replies focused on. As if that could justify it.

I think it would be an incredibly rare situation where a young man would need to "defend himself" against a young woman and can't simply escape and avoid the woman instead.

Similarly, if a man is being attacked by other men, it's better to do an assessment "am I likely to win this fight" and if the answer is no, which it usually is otherwise they wouldn't be attacked in the first place, then it's usually safer to appease them (hand over wallet etc) then escape.

Boys grow into men, and very quickly. Any advice you give them needs to be future-proofed.

We unfortunately had a spate of muggings near my school a few years back. A boys' private school, and their blazers made them a target. Our pupils were told always to hand over their wallet and phone and not attempt to fight back, because you don't know if they've got a weapon. I'd rather my son lost his phone rather than getting stabbed.

I'd report her to the police, no idea if they di much though, but perhaps it would show up on an advance dsb check or whatever that check is called,

The fact that this person thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to behave this way in public is really worrying; If nothing else, social convention would stop most people from hitting a child in public. I’m not saying it would be okay behind closed doors either, but if she is fine with people seeing her act in this way, what on earth goes on when nobody is watching.

She has shown you who she is twice now. I would feel really sorry for this persons daughter, but walk away from this ‘friend’ without hesitation

Sadly some mothers of girls project their feelings towards adult men onto little boys. I have experienced it a few times at playgroups etc where a mother will have a much harsher reaction to a boy doing something thier daughter did to them. You have a few on this thread tying themselves in knots to justify an assault on a little boy. Your 'friend' has taken this to the extreme and your son is not safe around her.

No you're not but I would also speak to DS about the dangers of saying 'Go on then' if someone threatens to.punch you and about speaking respectfully to adults, especially when they are cross.
I know she treated him badly and none of this should have happened but being cheeky didn't help. I couldn't be friendly with her in the future.

i agree.

I may be misunderstanding exactly what happened but it sounds like the girl bumped into him accidentally due to not being good with personal space (?) but then your son “tapped / hit” her deliberately.

If you are teaching him that this is ok behaviour then you are doing him no favours. the world is full of people who will deal with him far more violently than this woman did.

Blanket teaching a child to hit back 'every time' (per OP) is not the same as teaching them to defend themselves in a very narrow set of circumstances (per you). @Kingdomofsleep describes much better and in more detail at 13.19 and 13.22 why 'hit back' is really stupid advice to be giving a boy who is rapidly approaching puberty.

My boy was fine. He’s happy go lucky and not a lot affects him really. He’s not perfect, but I pull him in where I need to.

It's good that he's not freaking out about it but.... I wouldn't just assume he is fine as the disruptions may well continue and he may well have feelings about the event. You are not fine about it and he may well have picked up on it, might think that the friendship fall out is his fault... and also the trouble at school.

So without magnifying it, I would let him talk about it and to know that you are not standing for that behaviour towards him, which I'm sure you are doing, but he might be thinking about it more than it appears on the surface.

I clicked yabu because the opening post had so much missing information. did the little girl hit the son deliberately? if yes, did her mum realise her girl had struck first? did the mum actually punch to hurt or symbolically make a fist and lightly push him with it? has there been any past conflict which may be influencing how the other mum reacted to the OPs son? all of this imo would influence how the OP should deal with the situation. i don’t understand how people can state so confidently that, for example, she should call the police when we don’t have the full picture.

i tend to assume when the story is only half-written that the missing information would make us see things differently.

If Nieve's like this in public don't be surprised if she's like this or worse behind closed doors and it's explains her DD's rough behaviour.

Also don't be surprised if the teacher overhears the classmates discussing it and he follows through on her safeguarding procedures and reports it.

OP why have you not reported her to the police? You have the evidence

This refusal to apologize reminds me my abusive narcissistic exDP. It’s not a good sign when adults refuse to apologize.

How hard was it?

Is she one of those tiresome professional “girl mums” who hate boys?! I can’t imagine anyone I know punching a child, never mind someone else’s child. Never have anything to do with her again. And I would take a dim view of anyone who stayed friends with her after hearing what happened.

Nieve is probably shitting herself, as this has now been mentioned in school to other Children who will no doubt tell their Parent’s.

Leave the group, they are both not your Friend.

If you're adamant it wasn't a joke, and that your friend was genuinely angry, what is your question? She's lucky you didn't call the police if it was as bad as described.

Yeah, they were messing about. I will walk away that friendship. Not only was her response disproportionate, she put herself at the same high of a 8 years old kid and accepted the challenge and on top of that she thinks she did right?
Your feelings and her feelings here are irrelevant OP. The example you little boy had that day was very poor.
I smell over protective mother with some flakes of misandry in her response.

I think once you see it you can’t unsee it.

Have warned someone about their new bff and whilst I was told I was being dramatic and jealous. I was apologised to a few weeks later

I think it is a combination of spending time in a girls boarding school in my teens, having ADHD and ASD, not drinking alcohol and always being the outsider in groups looking on. I have decades of watching people. Looking at those brief facial expressions and work out what they mean
Many years ago I did see 2 well known people standing in the wings of a show that was being filmed. They were the most unlikely coupling (both married to other people) One picked a piece of fluff off the others shoulder and for a minuscule moment their body language gave them away

Told friends later that day who burst out laughing and said I had a great imagination as it did seem absurd
It took decades for the truth to come out about the affair.

I voted YABU but the language in your post of 'tapping' (like a game of tag?) and everything else makes the situation so vague as to be meaningless.

At the end of the day, your kids don't get on - this is the age when you have to stop these 'play dates' and see each other without kids.

If my son said "Go on then" to an adult who had told him off, he'd be getting a right bollocking.

She jumped into his space deliberately and hit him

He didn’t just run into her and then hit her.

Threatening to punch an 8 year old (or anyone) is not acceptable behaviour.

She won’t even acknowledge that.

So that’s that: end of any contact.

A bollocking even if the adult had threatened him like this one did? The adult was ridiculous.

Id say all power to him.