Friend “hit(?)” my 8 year old.

[NetflixandKill1]

Help. Long time reader, first time poster.
so I am in a friendship group of 3 women. Myself, and Carrie and Nieve (names changed) We’ve been friends for a good few years. Between us there are 6 children. 5 girls, and my boy. Usually we all get along so well. Myself and my 2 friends have shared some deep things and we’ve bonded well. On the odd occasion I will feel like the outsider of the group. Carrie and Nieve tend to arrange things outside of our group chat. This hurt in the past, but I’m grown and accept that they’re just closer in general.
So, to the incident.
My child (8 M) was walking toward me and Nieve and Nieve child (8 F) launched towards him and tapped him, she he did the same back. Nieve got mad and said to my son “don’t punch my daughter otherwise I’ll punch you) he reacted quickly and replied “ok go on then” so she did. It was with a clenched fist, and a light jab on the top of his arm. This completely shocked me. I got upset and left. It couldn’t leave my mind so I ended up messaging her and telling her how I felt. I said it really upset me, and I don’t hit my own children so for another adult to do that, really hurt. She apologised for hurting my feelings, but will not apologise for what she did. She can’t see her wrong doing. She’s very impulsive, so I assumed she acted on impulse and I gave her a few days to think it over. I asked her if she had chance to think it through and her response was “no, should I have?” I’m heartbroken. She’s adamant she’s done nothing wrong. I basically told her she needed to apologise, but she has flat out refused. She spoke to another mutual friend we have who confirmed it would upset her also, but she still can’t accept it. I’m ready to walk away from this friendship. I don’t know if I’m making this bigger than it needs to be. Help. I am perfectly able to hear saw honesty. AITA

Wow. I would have leathered her if she put her hands on my child.

She shouldn’t have done it.

but you shouldn’t have invited her to do it either.

obvs what she did was much worse.

I disagree. Regardless of force used, it was inappropriate - along with the language. Who on earth threatens (and then even lightly) punches a child? That friendship would be over for me.

Edited to correct type (language)

Yeah I’d be reporting her

This is my stance. She acted on impulse and now she’s panicking. If she had immediately taken accountability maybe things would have been different. But I can’t stay friends with someone who thinks this is ok. As adults we still make mistakes, but it’s what we do with that information that matters. We need to learn and grow from it. She’s doing neither…

TBH I think the friendship is done .She has massively overstepped here.She sounds like one of those Mums who is overprotective of her girl.I would also not be happy that she and the other Mum meet up without you .Maybe look for some more friends! Maybe some Activity Mums or friends at work?

We need to learn and grow from it. She’s doing neither…

Never wait for abusive people to grow. Get them out of your life asap. No second chances.

I'm autistic and often react slowly too. It would be a shock that another adult could behave like that. Best find some autistic friends OP - you can usually rely on them to behave decently.

Also, now you're not in the friendship group and they have no-one to make them feel the sense of belonging in their (very small) in-group, they will be at each other's throats in no time. It always happens with women like that.

Definitely sounds like you're better off without the pair of them! You sound lovely, and you're without a doubt doing the right thing, showing your son his safety comes first.

I agree, I think I just initially wondered if there was some misunderstanding because the woman who hit the child’s reaction seems so bizarre, how can she not apologise and see that she’s in the wrong. And I missed that she was angry in her response, even before she hit. I agree with you.

I suppose I thought she might have checked herself and then done something playful / not scary if you know what I mean, clearly not the case sadly.

Her behaviour is disgusting and she's been treating you with disrespect for some time now..
Mean girl behaviour and you know it.. because you know she's waiting for a reaction for her own sense of drama - wisely you didn't give it to her so consciously or unconsciously she's escalated because she has no respect for you whatsoever. I'm guessing she is probably quite jealous of you and that is the root of it.

You don't need a person like this in your life. You don't owe her anymore discussion about this... ignore as much as possible without feeding the drama, and turn your focus elsewhere, take steps to find new friends... I know that's not as easy as it sounds but this group that are ok with leaving you out are rubbish and will soon find out what she's really like as she will turn her attentions to another person in that group as you will not be available.

Good for you and your son standing up for yourselves. I know you said you hate confrontation but you've lost nothing by asking for an apology, in fact you've gained a really useful insight into her thinking, which has informed your decision, so you can feel confident you are doing the right thing.

I'd end the friendship and raise a safeguarding concern too if they attend the same school

Seems this girl has some social difficulties . Do you think this not "respecting friends boundaries" has caused problems with others or is it specific to your son? Do you think the the girls "tap" was intentional? She is going to get into bigger conflicts than this is she doesnt get help with the lack of understanding of personal space and boundaries.
I think teaching your child that self defence is fine as long as they understand proportionate response.
Do you think the mum is aware of her DD issues with other kids boundaries or is she oblivious?

This was the point that you should have walked away from her as a friend.

Without meaning to sound harsh, your first job as a parent is to protect your child. It doesn't matter if you're a people pleaser or hate conflict, you put your child's wellbeing first.

No adult should be pushing or hitting a kid. There might be scenarios where it can be excused after an apology (for example, my friend knocked another child out of the way to catch her son when he fell from a climbing frame. She immediately apologised to the child and explained to both them and their parent what had happened). But deliberately hitting or pushing when no one is in immediate risk of harm is never ok. It doesn't matter how good company she is, you can't have your son around her.

You do realise it was the mother of the child who hit her son?

I wouldn’t tolerate anyone hitting my child - not even another family member

A very long time ago in the 1980s, we were friends with another family and one year we went on holiday with them. I was about 7 years old, their daughters were 7 and 4.

Their parents did hit and also punished their children with isolation on a regular basis for the slightest thing - the dad of the family was absolutely huge - bear like. Not even with me just being small - absolutely massive bloke.

He wasn’t happy that myself and his children had gone to a different area of the hotel (pool either side of hotel - we’d told my parents but not him - and he took us all around the rear of the hotel where there was nobody else, smacked his own children and smacked me too!! Really hard if I do recall too.

My mum went absolutely bananas!!! Even more with her knowledge that I’d done nothing wrong. I’d been smacked by my mum (different times in the 80s) but certainly never by my Dad. I do recall that the friendship was never quite the same after that. Despite trying to move past it, around 2 years later my parents ended the friendship

Thank you so much. I am a very nice person. I’m calm, collected, and always willing to give people a second chance. Maybe that’s where I’m going wrong. She had her second chance after she pushed him and this is how she’s still playing. I find it difficult holding grudges. It takes me to an energy I don’t like. So I usually paper over the cracks and try to see the best of a situation. I’m struggling with this one. They are some huge cracks…

You’re right. I take accountability for that 100%. I should have been more reactive and shut it straight down, but that’s not my usual energy so I find it really difficult to get to that stage. It’s hard to explain. I am taking this as a HUGE lesson and to try and gauge situations like this a bit better. 😞

I’m really sorry that this happened to you. That’s something that can stay with a person for the rest of their lives. You didn’t deserve that. In fact, nobody deserves to be hit. It doesn’t matter what I’m going through I would never ever lift my hand to anyone. It’s just not how I deal with things. I hope you are well ❤️

OP, you need to stop thinking in terms of energy and think about assertiveness.

I promise you that your son is watching how you deal with conflict and will become like you.

Model assertiveness to him.

REPORT IT TO THE POLICE! She assaulted your child! And you have witnesses and text messages to back it up.

Even if they don’t pursue it, it will still cause her to fail a DBS check and prevent her from being around children again.

You will get criticism for not standing up for your son at the time, but you’ll have to explain how your autism makes you, and by extension your son, more vulnerable.

(I also have autism, and know how it is: you’ve been told your whole life that you’re wrong, and things are always your fault, no matter what. Other people’s lifelong lack of respect also causes us to lack confidence. So it’s hard to develop judgement of when you’re actually being victimised, exacerbated by slower processing time.)

Her behaviour was totally unacceptable. She sees you as weak and bullyable because of your autism, and is extending this to your son.

You can’t be friends with her again, nor “Carrie” if she chooses a child abuser over you.

I immediately thought this as well.

'do the same back every time' is a very problematic statement. There's nuance in many situations.

You’ve detected something that’s quite prevalent in this story. This is how I’ve felt for a while. That she envies my life. It’s quiet, calm and we have a great life. Things are different for her. I’ve tried to help and support and guide her where I’ve been asked, but I do see a hint of envy green unfortunately. I never feel discounted from Carrie, ever, but Nieve.. always. There’s been so many little things that have happened that adds to this conclusion. Thank you for your input. It really does mean a lot to me. ❤️

@NetflixandKill1 I imagine the mother hits her dd and that's why dd is rough. It's normalised.
How did your ds react?
I agree with trying to be more assertive. I know it must be difficult if it isn't your nature.