Friend “hit(?)” my 8 year old.

[NetflixandKill1]

Help. Long time reader, first time poster.
so I am in a friendship group of 3 women. Myself, and Carrie and Nieve (names changed) We’ve been friends for a good few years. Between us there are 6 children. 5 girls, and my boy. Usually we all get along so well. Myself and my 2 friends have shared some deep things and we’ve bonded well. On the odd occasion I will feel like the outsider of the group. Carrie and Nieve tend to arrange things outside of our group chat. This hurt in the past, but I’m grown and accept that they’re just closer in general.
So, to the incident.
My child (8 M) was walking toward me and Nieve and Nieve child (8 F) launched towards him and tapped him, she he did the same back. Nieve got mad and said to my son “don’t punch my daughter otherwise I’ll punch you) he reacted quickly and replied “ok go on then” so she did. It was with a clenched fist, and a light jab on the top of his arm. This completely shocked me. I got upset and left. It couldn’t leave my mind so I ended up messaging her and telling her how I felt. I said it really upset me, and I don’t hit my own children so for another adult to do that, really hurt. She apologised for hurting my feelings, but will not apologise for what she did. She can’t see her wrong doing. She’s very impulsive, so I assumed she acted on impulse and I gave her a few days to think it over. I asked her if she had chance to think it through and her response was “no, should I have?” I’m heartbroken. She’s adamant she’s done nothing wrong. I basically told her she needed to apologise, but she has flat out refused. She spoke to another mutual friend we have who confirmed it would upset her also, but she still can’t accept it. I’m ready to walk away from this friendship. I don’t know if I’m making this bigger than it needs to be. Help. I am perfectly able to hear saw honesty. AITA

Interesting questions. So Carrie and Nieve are so so close. Together all the time. Every day. Even in the 6 weeks holidays. Carrie said she hasn’t taken sides, but she will have Nieves back regardless. Even if Carrie agreed with me, she would still stand by Nieve. When I tell you they are close, I mean close. I’m just not that girl. I like my alone time and to protect my peace.

the daughter pushed him or the mother did?

So what did she say to that?

Yanbu. Her punching your child even lightly is unacceptable behaviour. Both children (hers and yours) should have been told off for hitting each other by their respective parents and left at that. I'd end the friendship immediately.

Ive always taught him not to ever start conflict, but if somebody hits you, you do the exact same back. Every time.

Can't get on board with this. I taught mine to walk away and not engage with violence.

You are absolutely right. These kids could have been biting at the bit with each other and I STILL would never go in and do what she did as a reaction. It just doesn’t ever enter my head. I’d never lay my hands on my own children, or anyone else’s for that matter. Wild.

The mother… Nieve.

It doesn't sound like the kids are actually friends, more that they've being forced to hang out together because of your friendships. This doesn't really work by the age of eight.

Silly cow. She was completely over reacting in her tiger mother aggression. Her kid tapped your kid first. Did you threaten her kid?

She’s a dickhead. Dump.

wtf? I would have taken her to task then for putting hands on my child. You need to cut her off and be very clear why and I'd be telling anyone who asked me that it's because she's pushed and hit your child

If someone punched my son and didn't think they'd done anything wrong, I'd be letting the police go round and educate them on violence towards other people's children.

Thank you everyone. I knew in my mind that there was coming back from this, I just needed reassurance that I was doing the right thing I guess. My son is absolutely fine. He’s a real tough character. Although he’s only 8, he is very forward and advanced for his age. He knows what happened was wrong and he’s had lots of love and reassurance.

you should have immediately asked her if she was now going to punch her own daughter too as she is doing so much tit for tat? If she said no then you should have immediately told her off for being a hypocrite and to keep her hands off your child too.

Twice she's touched your child intentionally and with harm. That's an assault in my opinion (maybe ott). You can't be in a friendship like that! Walk away!

You need to be more protective towards your son. You should have already withdrawn for her pushing him. She’s an actual shitbag and a looser who you don’t need in your life, but you have let your boy down. Definitely tell her to fuck of now and apologise to your boy for exposing him to her.

She is is the wrong and she is angry that your child has told other kids at school because she knows it doesn't look good. Regardless if it was a light punch or with more force, you just don't do this. I think you need to walk away from this "friendship" , because a true friend wouldn't treat a friend's child this way.

So you wouldn’t have told off the friends dd who hit first

@NetflixandKill1 with her attitude I’d be reporting her to the police that will make her think twice about lifting her hands to a child .
She clearly has issues . So it’s ok for a female to hit a male but not the other way around .

Right ok.
The friendship is over as you need to protect your child .

Ive always taught him not to ever start conflict, but if somebody hits you, you do the exact same back. Every time.

The problem with this approach is that it doesn't allow for every situation - its too black and white. What if its a much smaller child, a toddler for example. Or if the 'hitting' is done in fun or by someone who doesn't really understand? It is not always appropriate to 'do exactly the same back every time'. What about when he's bigger or older? Especially if parents are present, most children would tell their parent.

See I feel the exact same. I expressed that it was assault and she’s gained quite a bit of anger with this. She thinks it’s too strong of a word. There’s a scale with assault though. I know she didn’t batter my child, but I’m also comfortable in calling a clenched fist and sharp contact with a child, assault. You can’t dress it up.

It's not too late. Message her:

'You saw your daughter hit my son and saw my son tap her in self-defence. Instead of telling off your daughter, you - an adult - punched my son. An 8 year old child.

Do not ever speak to or touch my child again or I will call the police on you. Never contact me again.'

It really doesn't depend on anything! even if your son had whacked another child - it would NEVER be appropriate for an adult to respond with violence!!

Some people really are giving odd replies.

Adults stay calm, adults stay regulated - if they lose their temper they acknowledge and apologise. That is how adults respond to children.

It's completely irrelevant which child hit which first or what happened between two 8 year olds and totally ridiculous that anyone would mention this.

Two children were behaving like children - and an adult first threatened and then hit an 8 year old.

Your friend sounds volatile and has anger problems.

You under reacted at the times of the events. I would do as previously suggested about talking to your son about this. I wouldn’t have any contact with her at all now and don’t subject your son to risk. If your son was like her daughter she would probably have hit him or shouted at him on more occasions!

You are not unreasonable but should have spoken at the time, you saw it happen. Why wait and text later?