Friend “hit(?)” my 8 year old.

[NetflixandKill1]

Help. Long time reader, first time poster.
so I am in a friendship group of 3 women. Myself, and Carrie and Nieve (names changed) We’ve been friends for a good few years. Between us there are 6 children. 5 girls, and my boy. Usually we all get along so well. Myself and my 2 friends have shared some deep things and we’ve bonded well. On the odd occasion I will feel like the outsider of the group. Carrie and Nieve tend to arrange things outside of our group chat. This hurt in the past, but I’m grown and accept that they’re just closer in general.
So, to the incident.
My child (8 M) was walking toward me and Nieve and Nieve child (8 F) launched towards him and tapped him, she he did the same back. Nieve got mad and said to my son “don’t punch my daughter otherwise I’ll punch you) he reacted quickly and replied “ok go on then” so she did. It was with a clenched fist, and a light jab on the top of his arm. This completely shocked me. I got upset and left. It couldn’t leave my mind so I ended up messaging her and telling her how I felt. I said it really upset me, and I don’t hit my own children so for another adult to do that, really hurt. She apologised for hurting my feelings, but will not apologise for what she did. She can’t see her wrong doing. She’s very impulsive, so I assumed she acted on impulse and I gave her a few days to think it over. I asked her if she had chance to think it through and her response was “no, should I have?” I’m heartbroken. She’s adamant she’s done nothing wrong. I basically told her she needed to apologise, but she has flat out refused. She spoke to another mutual friend we have who confirmed it would upset her also, but she still can’t accept it. I’m ready to walk away from this friendship. I don’t know if I’m making this bigger than it needs to be. Help. I am perfectly able to hear saw honesty. AITA

No. I look back and I regret that. I was in shock and it all happened so fast. I’m usually a people pleaser. I’ve got a lot better in recent years and learnt that I do have a voice that matters. But I was just so taken aback.

This woman is a danger to children. I think I qould have reported her to the police/social services. Completely unacceptable. I'm sorry your child had experienced this 😔

I'd be asking her (pointing out that obviously you wouldnt do it, but...) if she would be happy for you to punch her kid the next time you see her on the basis that her kid hit yours (first)?

Why are you chasing her up for an apology? What difference would it make? If you think she abused your child, you should cut her off.

On the odd occasion I will feel like the outsider of the group.

She has already given you a clear sign she doesn’t respect you. Don’t let her treat your child the way she treats you.

The problem is that you didn't speak up and say 'no' to her child pushing yours, you allowed it all to become about your son's retaliation. Your friend clearly thinks her child can do no wrong and doesn't see what is staring her in the face - that both she and her daughter think it's acceptable to put their hands on another but it's not ok for another to put hands on them, even in self defence. It's a case of double standards and main character syndrome. I would drop her like a stone and learn to speak up so you can model to your son healthy assertion.

Why were you so passive when all of this was happening right in front of you? I'm sorry, I don't understand that. From the moment she said 'I'll punch you' most parents would have been straight in there - especially as you say you could tell that she meant it, yet you just watched and said nothing. And then when she hit him, you left because you were upset. Is there some back story here, because your reactions or lack of, do not sound normal?

Horrible woman. End the friendship op. Who threatens to punch a child and then does it. Doesn’t matter if it was a light one, her intention behind it was nasty.

Love that you called her Nieve given what it means. Nicely done.

She's upset it was brought up in school because she knows she did the wrong thing .

I’m a very quiet person. I’m an introvert, hate conflict and I’m also autistic so a lot of times, I will go away and process it in time. Also, I honestly didn’t think that she could do what she did.

This is what I said to her. She couldn’t see her wrong doing so I said ok, as soon as your child comes out from school, I’ll threaten it, then do the same back. See how you react.

She’s awful. Sounds like they have left you out of things before so not a true friend anyway. She’s a mean girl and a prick for hitting your son, seriously who does that. End the friendship and put the effort into meeting new friends. And try hard not to ruminate as it’s wasted energy, hope you are ok

When you say the girl tapped your boy and your boy tapped the girl what do you mean? They hit each other with palms or fists, where and how hard? Is your boy bigger and/or generally plays rougher than the girls? Not seeing what happened makes it difficult, obviously the mother shouldn't have hit your son, even lightly, being over protective perhaps. Up to you what you do about the friendship, I don't think this woman is a danger to your son but you need to tell her that putting your hands on someone else's child is never acceptable.

Your son was also pretty cheeky challenging her to hit him, or her comment must have been more in jest so he replied in kind. Would he usually answer back to an angry adult?

OP what a shock to get. There's no way you can continue that friendship - what message does that send to your boy? That it's ok for a grown woman to threaten and hit him, for protecting himself?

How is he doing in all of this? If you haven't already, I would take time to explain none of that was his fault or appropriate.

Even if she did / or does apologise, she hit your child. Not acceptable to continue allowing him near him. Any further communication with her will confirm in her mind she didn't act wrongly.

If you're contacted by her or about her, I'd just say something like "Our relationship changed due to inappropriate behaviour towards my son. She's no longer someone I feel comfortable having around my children."

Issue 1. The children tapping each other. Why did this happen and was your sons tap disproportionate to the girls tap?
(Not justifying an adult assaulting your son btw ) just trying to understand what has happened here.
Issue 2. Your friend intervening verbally to disicpline/threaten your son and then physically assaulting your son.
I think most people would feel upset by these events. I think unless your friend understands why assaulting a child is unacceptable and requires an unreserved apology primarily to your son.
Without a resolution this friendship wont succeed and is over.
How is your son and what are his feelings about what happened?

This is a lovely comment. Thank you. I don’t have many people around me as I really do like a quiet life. I’ve been left out of the group on so many occasions, but I just carry on as normal. Sometimes when they arrange something together and don’t invite me, I feel like she’s waiting for a reaction? So I don’t give it. Thanks again ❤️

Have you spoken calmly to your son about what happened?

Don’t forget this happened to him and he may well be feeling all sorts of complicated emotions about it. He needs to know none of this is his fault, and that he may well experience some fallout from it. Including a loss of friendship.
Make sure he doesn’t internalise any blame.

Definitely cut her out of your life.
I would have been upset too.

How has your other friend reacted to it? Carrie?

Not very mumsnet but if someone hit my child I think I’d probably hit them. What the fuck is wrong with her?

' child (8 F) launched towards him and tapped him,
she he did the same back.
Nieve got mad and said to my son “don’t punch my daughter otherwise I’ll punch you)
he reacted quickly and replied “ok go on then”
so she did. It was with a clenched fist, and a light jab on the top of his arm. '

what is ' tapped ' did the girl punch him ?

he then ' tapped ' her back ?
or punched her ?

as that mother uses the word ' punch '

whereas you describe and use ' tapped '

that mother then gave your son a warning / rebuke

your son then replied telling her to do so
which she did !

apart from everything else your son should not in future reply the way he did

by this time you should have been using your voice and intervening.

So she would be ok with you punching her daughter?

Not sure I agree with the majority - but to acknowledge I wasn't there and don't know the people involved.

A "Light Jab" in my head is very very different to a Hit or a Punch. Hitting and Punching anyone is of course wrong!

But I'm hearing the daughter tapped your son (unclear as to why or what prompted this, which may be important or not, or if kids just being kids?). Your son tapped back. Your friend said "don't hit" (correctly, although should have included both kids), he called her bluff and she tapped him too. Whether the fist was closed or not is irrelevant to the force being used. Doesn't sound as though she hit him or assaulted him in anyway, just tapped like the kids were already doing?

Unclear what your contribution to all this was. Had I been in your shoes, I would have told off my son for hitting before my friend could and moved on!

I'm not hearing friendship altering behaviour here.

But as I say, I wasn't there.

So Nieves daughter is a very bouncy child. Quite loud and doesn’t give the children around her much personal space? She’s a good girl but my son does find her very overbearing. They have little niggles all of the time and she doesn’t respect her friends boundaries. So as my son was coming towards me he was going quite fast and ask he went to run past her she jolted into his space and tapped him, so he did the same back. Ive always taught him not to ever start conflict, but if somebody hits you, you do the exact same back. Every time.

IMO the altercation between the children doesn't matter. If your son had a history of hitting, and she'd spoken to you about it before, that's a different story of course.

But the first rational step in those situations is

• separate the children
• make sure they're OK
• speak to the parents about boundaries ans appropriate behaviours

Not threaten and hit. Nothing a child does makes that acceptable, it kind of shocks me so many posters are questioning the children's behaviour as if it's a cause.