AIBU for wanting to be able to call/message my single mum girlfriend when she has her kids?

[WoundedWidower]

Wasn't sure where on the internet to ask this, but thought Mumsnet might give me the most honest answer.

I (46/M) met a lovely lady (46/F) who happens to be a single mother.

She has 5 kids (7, 10, 11, 16, 25), the 4 youngest live at home with her, and the 3 youngest go to their Dad's every other weekend.

She has been generous with her free time, and I see her almost all of her free weekends (she comes to me).

She works 4 days a week, mainly from home, but sometimes in the office. Her day off is mainly cleaning, washing, chores etc.

I've tried to be realistic about her situation. I understand that the kids are the priority, and I'm happy to stay in the background so as not to unsettle them.

Unfortunately the ex is not a nice person, and she's going through a protracted unpleasant divorce.

My concern is whether I'm being unreasonable to expect a higher level of communication between us.

Specifically when she has the younger children, replies to messages are hit and miss, she doesn't call, and doesn't answer calls. Given that she has the children most of the time, there's just not a whole lot of communication, and I've always felt that relationships rely on healthy communication.

I suppose I feel a bit side-lined, and I'm not sure how to progress the relationship, or even if I should.

I'm in her phone under a false (female) name, so the kids don't notice and feed back to the ex that someone new is on the scene.

I'm not sure if I'm just being overly needy, or whether I should expect more at this stage of a relationship. We've been seeing each other for 7 months now.

AIBU for expecting to be able to call and message, and get answered or replied to? Is it worth sticking it out in the hope that things might improve, or is this just part and parcel of dating a single Mum?

Thanks in advance for you answers/opinions. Please go easy on me, it was hard for me to open up to the internet, and first dating someone with kids!

It doesn’t matter whether it’s ’unreasonable’ or not (though nothing in your post suggests you approach any understanding of just how busy a single working parent of five young children is), it is what it is — and it’s not working for you.

Well if she's keeping you a secret under a female name she can't very well chat to you openly in front of her kids, and probably doesn't want to lie any more than she already has.

Her kids will always be her priority at least until they're adults. Even then they will be big parts of her life.

If you think things aren't right now they probably won't get any better.

What messages and calls are you hoping to have when she's with her kids? Chit chat or making arrangements for your next meeting?

You say that you believe healthy communication is important,but it doesn't sound like you've actually asked her whether she has the capacity for calls and messages during the week - have you had any discussions about it?

It sounds like calls are more difficult so perhaps stick to texts? She may be busy cooking/driving/bathing the kids etc so won’t be as responsive as you could be. I would talk to her about it and just say you like hearing from her so would she be able to text a bit more. See what she says.

I wouldn’t have a phone conversation with my own husband unless someone was dying and it was an emergency while I’m solo parenting my kids.

Tell me you don’t have children without telling me you don’t have children. 🤣 If she is working 4 days a week, when she isn’t working, she’s cooking, organising homework and driving everyone around to sports practice and friends houses and Scouts. Of course, she doesn’t want to talk to you on the phone!

On her day off, have you offered to meet her for lunch or bring food over and cook for her while she gets stuff done? Or are you busy that day?

Realistically, I reply to messages when I have to sit down. With 4 children living at home, that would probably be at the end of the day or when they were with their dad, unless it was just something quick that needed a response. I think this is just the reality of someone with 4/5 children (obviously one is an adult) and no to little co-parenting help. If your time is all your own, you’ll probably struggle to understand this.

It will likely change when the divorce has gone through and she tells the kids about you, you just have to be patient if you want a relationship with her, obviously she isn't going to answer the phone and have a conversation with you infront of her kids if they don't know about you

She's not unreasonable, but neither are you.

Dating is finding out whether you're compatible, and you're not.

What time of day do you want to chat to her? Because I and most mums I know - let alone single mums with that many children- simply don’t have time to chat to or message friends during the day when their kids are awake. Especially if you want to try to model remotely decent phone manners, you can’t be picking up your phone and checking for messages and replying all the time when you are with your kids. And even after they are in bed, the laundry, the tidying, the life admin…

She's got 5 kids. If course she can't answer your calls all the time.
But, if you want more maybe this isn't the right situation for you.

Agree with all above.

Are you saying that she is only free to actually spend time with you every other weekend? Four days a month? That's not a lot is it?

I too think you are unreasonable to be wanting more texts and phone calls when she must be up to her eyes in it. She gets four days a month breathing space which she already gives you.

Time to think about if this is enough for you. Any time the dad can't or won't take the kids or she needs to see family or friends and you are down to seeing her two days a month😞. Not much of a relationship sadly.

I’m sorry, it sounds like that’s just the nature of the situation you both are in.

She must be incredibly busy with five kids, even if one is an adult (so call it four kids). Plus work.

She probably just doesn’t have time to answer or reply, even if she wasn’t keeping you secret.

That could be the case even if she didn’t have five kids tbh - some people don’t like , talking on the phone, preferring to chat when they see the person, and many don’t reply to messages that frequently. You’ve said you like healthy communication, but it sounds like what you like is frequent communication- it’s not wrong, it’s just a different preference to hers.

And I have heard it described as more healthy not to be “at the mercy” of the phone all the time - so not to always reply instantly.

All in all, it’s a difference in your preferences, needs (as in her need to attend to her daily commitments, I wouldn’t call it a need to have frequent communication), and wants, and you’ll have to decide if this relationship is for you.

It’s not wrong if it isn’t, it’s just life. You wouldn’t be wrong to end the relationship at all if it doesn’t suit you.

What would be wrong would be to put pressure on her to change. That’s always wrong, but especially in a situation like this where she has good reason.

You essentially want a different person, so should maybe look for one.

I realise you are posting because you care so will presume you are trying to do the right thing but I am also - as other posters - unsure what communication would be useful if she has 5 children with her?

I have two children and if I am caring for them would not have much capacity to chat - this woman is giving you all her free time? and has a controlling unpleasant ex to deal with - and you want her to be committed to chatting with you when she has already said it's difficult?

Did she tell you what times she can take calls? (If she even likes phone calls, many people do not)
With such a large number of kids, not divorced, and working, if you're not happy being sidelined this is not the girlfriend for you.

I don’t think you are being needy, but I think you need to be realistic - as does she.

She is pre-occupied with an unpleasant divorce, childcare, work and also a pragmatic need to keep your liaison private for the time being.

There is a danger (and she ought to be honest with herself about this) that you are her escape from all of this on her young/child-free weekends.

A woman with 4 kids living at home is unlikely to make a big or total commitment to a newish relationship, IMO.

So it all depends on whether you are prepared to take it for what it is - a fun weekend EOW, wait it out, or need a clear vision of future greater involvement and commitment.

Thanks for replying; you're right, I don't have kids, so no experience there at all.

At first, on her day off I would go over and take her out to lunch, but she doesn't really have time now as she's with me on her free weekends, so understandably needs that time to do housework.

I guess I needed a reality check. She says that things "will get better", but I'm struggling to see how, at least for the next decade!

I think it might be worth suggesting planned times for a call, e.g. after the kids are in bed or on her day off. Messages, I would expect her to be hit and miss about when she answers them. You need to discuss reasonable expectations on both sides and show each other grace when other things get in the way.

Just chit chat. I know she speaks to and sees her mum friends a lot, but it seems the situation is different with me because I'm not just a friend.

YABU but I think you need to ask yourself seriously if this relationship can go anywhere. It sounds like you just want different things. A woman with kids is always going to put them first but It’s fine if that doesn’t work for you and you decide to call it a day

I don’t think you are compatible.

Jeez, stop being so needy. It's very unattractive.

If you were whining to me about not being able to chit chat about nothing while I'm with my kids (or any other activity tbf), I would bin you off.

If it’s not working for you then it’s not working.

I would personally give a bit of grace to a single mum of 5 - even if she doesn’t have them all in one go it’s hard to reply when you’re looking after 1 kid let alone 2,3,4 or 5.

I would be over the moon that she spends most of her free time with you - when she could be relaxing after looking after so many kids.

You don’t have kids, I think it’s hard to be compatible when you’ve got no experience and she has 5 kids. I think if I was in your shoes I’d probably struggle to understand too, but as a mum - it’s hard

Seeing her mum friends probably means chatting at the school gate and on the sidelines of sports matches, dance class, etc, or having a coffee while her kids and her friends’ kids have a play date. Maybe the odd coffee immediately after school drop off if she can fit it in before work. That’s certainly how my mum friendships work!

As childfree woman I just couldn’t imagine trying to make things work with a dad of 5. I don’t think it will be compatible unless you are incredibly patient and understanding. You’re not wrong for finding it not work but don’t put extra pressure on her. If it’s not working for you then it’s not working

Single mum here and I strongly feel you're expecting too much! Yes communication is important in a relationship but so is being able to keep a semblance of self - and it's about quality not quantity to a large degree anyway.

I've been in a relationship for 5 years (he does have one child though) and at first I lost myself a bit, giving all my free time then falling behind on life and ended up exhausted. I regret that, and don't feel I was as there for my kids as I should have been as I was a bit swept up. I am not even sure what your girlfriend is giving you now (all her free weekends) is sustainable for her tbh. I feel sorry for her! Though I know she is enjoying the time with you I'm sure, she has A LOT on her plate, so please don't put her under pressure to reply to messages, and definitely don't phone her while she's with her kids - she should be able to be present for them, around all the dozens of things she has to do every single day as a parent, and if she has a spare second she shouldn't feel like she needs to spend it looking after your needs too.

I'm sorry if any of this sounds harsh and as others say, if you need more, you're free to walk away. It's if you want THIS relationship or a more engaged one with a different person I suppose.

Yes I think this is a you issue.

She's had to hide you in order to ensure she doesn't place her children in a difficult position with her ex. You say you understand the children's needs come first and yet you are here complaining about the fact she can't just set them aside to take your calls and text you back. And you're using 'healthy communication' to rationalise what's actually just needy/demanding/entitled behaviour on your part. The healthy communication was her explaining her situation and her boundaries so you knew where you stood and what she has capacity for and what she doesn't have capacity for. That is healthy communication. Random phone calls when she is busy and then seeing that as rejection is not healthy.

The woman is juggling 4 children alone, she's giving you as much as she can.

I think you need to respect the fact that she's laid out her boundaries, her situation is what it is and you either accept that and take it as it is, or you decide its not what you want and you walk away and find someone who is not a single parent or who's children are grown and moved out. Because let's be honest here, you're saying you understand her kids come first because that is what a 'nice guy' would say, but in reality you want to be more of a priority and you resent it in practice. It's fine if that's how you feel, it doesn't make you a bad person. But pretending it doesn't matter when it clearly matters and trying to make her feel guilty about it or coming on here to talk about her behind her back is not 'nice guy' behaviour. So you need to be honest with yourself and make a decision and then stick to it.