AIBU for wanting to be able to call/message my single mum girlfriend when she has her kids?

[WoundedWidower]

Wasn't sure where on the internet to ask this, but thought Mumsnet might give me the most honest answer.

I (46/M) met a lovely lady (46/F) who happens to be a single mother.

She has 5 kids (7, 10, 11, 16, 25), the 4 youngest live at home with her, and the 3 youngest go to their Dad's every other weekend.

She has been generous with her free time, and I see her almost all of her free weekends (she comes to me).

She works 4 days a week, mainly from home, but sometimes in the office. Her day off is mainly cleaning, washing, chores etc.

I've tried to be realistic about her situation. I understand that the kids are the priority, and I'm happy to stay in the background so as not to unsettle them.

Unfortunately the ex is not a nice person, and she's going through a protracted unpleasant divorce.

My concern is whether I'm being unreasonable to expect a higher level of communication between us.

Specifically when she has the younger children, replies to messages are hit and miss, she doesn't call, and doesn't answer calls. Given that she has the children most of the time, there's just not a whole lot of communication, and I've always felt that relationships rely on healthy communication.

I suppose I feel a bit side-lined, and I'm not sure how to progress the relationship, or even if I should.

I'm in her phone under a false (female) name, so the kids don't notice and feed back to the ex that someone new is on the scene.

I'm not sure if I'm just being overly needy, or whether I should expect more at this stage of a relationship. We've been seeing each other for 7 months now.

AIBU for expecting to be able to call and message, and get answered or replied to? Is it worth sticking it out in the hope that things might improve, or is this just part and parcel of dating a single Mum?

Thanks in advance for you answers/opinions. Please go easy on me, it was hard for me to open up to the internet, and first dating someone with kids!

I voted YANBU by accident and couldn't change it but yes, YA definitely BU. It sounds like this is through ignorance rather than arseholery but five children and work is hardcore. You're lucky she's able to give you any time at all. You sound nice, to be honest, but that means you will have to accept that you will never be her priority in the way that couples are before kids come along. That doesn't mean you can't have a lovely, fulfilling relationship but it won't be anything like you've had before.

You can change your vote! Just press the option you want, and it will transfer your vote over and cancel it from the other option. I may be wrong, but I don’t think it’s time limited as long as the vote is still open.

I'm a single mum and have a lovely partner who calls/messages whenever and I respond pretty promptly and vice versa. And, we have the kind of relationship it seems you had and want - emotionally connected and available to each other. But, I have one tween. Five is full on, and I can't imagine it's going to be any different going forward. If you want someone with more emotional and time availability, this isn't the relationship for you, I'm sorry to say.

Sure many teens would love an empty house

You're lucky she's able to give you any time at all.

I think this is a bit unfair, I assume this woman indicated to OP somehow that she was ready to date somebody - I fully agree 5 kids is bloody hard work and can see how she doesn't have much time/desire to even talk during the week, but I'm not sure I would have got involved with someone in OP's position (widowed, childfree) under those circumstances.

There is a lot to do with children and teenagers in the evenings. Tea, clearing up, hearing about their day, homework, clubs, games, bed routine and they are different ages from 7 to teens all with their own routines so I expect answering calls and messages are not the most prevalent thing on her radar. I don’t answer messages unless serious emergency until after peace has returned in my house and even then am not up for long chats as exhausted.

FWIW, we met on a dating site.

She obviously doesn’t want her children to know about you, which is fine because their feelings and stability come before yours here. She can’t openly chat with you when she’s keeping you separate. Maybe once she knows the relationship is real or going somewhere she will be more open but she is perfectly in her rights to handle this the way she is, you are also within your rights to decide if you can be patient and if this is enough for you right now or not

This relationship is not for you. And l very much admire you for thinking about future scenarios.

Her children are very much the priority and will be for a number of years.

Find a relationship where can spend more time with a girlfriend/ potential.partner.

Can we all take a moment to take our hats off to a woman that even managed to make it to 7 months into a relationship when she has 5 kids, a house to run, a job and a messy divorce!!!!
Do you want to be in any way involved with the children at some point in the future or is it her that is holding you at bay from them for fear of what will happen when her ex finds out?
With that many kids, if you aren't prepared to be in a step parent role at some point and have an understanding that you are walking into a very involved family set up, then it's the kindest thing all round to leave now I'd say.
And I say that as a single Mum with one child with Special Needs, who's given up all her free time for two different men now, only to be dumped after 18 months and a year respectively when they realised I very much come as a package deal with my son. I wish they'd just never started it.
Have you asked her if she'd like help with the housework? I used to go on food shopping dates with my bf cause that was what I needed to do on my free time but we still got to spend time together. Not glamorous I know but that's the reality of being a single parent.

That's completely not my experience. 4 kids. We did lots of shared staying at home/work shift work fun. I think we spoke to each other pretty much every time we were looking after the kids alone (which was a lot!).

If I had just focused on the kids I would have gone mental!

OP, I understand your feelings biut please try to understand that if she is going through a nasty divorce, she has probably understated how nasty. Few would want to explain every nasty detail to a new romantic partner.

And if her ex is really nasty, and he finds out there is a new man on the scene, he could pose a real and physical threat, not only to her and you, but also to her children. Don't underestimate how dangerous a vengeful ex-husband can be.

In her situation, I'd be equally careful. I think you have to be patient, at least until the divorce is over and access/finances are set by the courts.

If you can't understand why it's difficult for a parent to answer the phone or reply to texts you're probably best not dating a parent.
If after 7 months she can't even have your name saved in her phone, it's unlikely the relationship will ever develop into something serious, so if that's what you're looking for, she's not the one for you.

I'm busy enough with two kids, being on my phone just gets in the way of what I should be doing instead. As a single mum, routine's important and lengthy phone chats can really mess it up, plus one of the kids always wants/needs my attention. I can't even imagine what it would be like with 4 kids!

Are you the reason she's getting a divorce?
If so, it might be best to be honest with her and tell her you need more contact but understand that with five children this is not possible for her.

Just cut your losses and find someone available. She doesn’t want to talk to you when her kids are around.

As someone who has been a single mother to 4 kids I don't think you're unreasonable to expect a text back every once in a while. Her children aren't babies or toddlers which means they likely aren't hanging off her legs every second of the day or needing constant supervision, I wouldn't expect phone calls since the kids don't know about you and they are bound to hear you on the phone, but I don't think it would take much time for her to message you a few times a day.

Yes you are being massively unreasonable, and if I were this woman, I would dump you.

She is too busy with her kids and dealing with a difficult ex to answer your texts and calls immediately or even soon after she gets them, and your expectation that she should do this is an indication of emotional immaturity and even the need to control on your part.

Do you really need the constant reassurance that she's paying attention to you? If yes, get a therapist.
Do you feel jealous of the attention she pays to the children? If yes, get a therapist.

Are you really so lacking in self awareness that you had to post here for answers?

Do you really not understand or accept that you cannot be the centre of this woman's universe right now, and never will be? She has a huge, ongoing life, with an enormous amount of responsibility on her shoulders. Find someone else if you can't stand the idea of getting in line for her attention.

Exactly this.

I don't understand some of the PP here. It certainly isn't just the typical situation of dating anyone single mother. I'd say if would be highly unusual to be saved under another name in a 'girlfriends' phone. Has she actually agreed that you are in an official relationship?

The set up you have is more of a casual fling where she escapes the drama for some occasional fun EOW.

A mother with one or a couple of children of simular age, who has no ongoing ex drama, would have more time for the contact you crave. Young kids, when they are in bed. If all teens when they are out as teens do or in rooms with their music on being typical uninterested teens. Dating someone with 5 kids of various ages is a whole other level.

There isn't a chance in hell I would date a man with 5 kids. Even if I did want to 1 day end up in a crazy loud manic house and forever be skint and lacking of holidays and luxury to be able to contribute towards such a large household (which I wont). Taking on someone with an abusive ex is a big pile of baggage too. She will have no idea how long you could both be on the receiving end of shit and difficulty being tired to someone like that for life. There is no saying it will end when the divorce papers are dried. You could find yourself hidden in the shadows for years down the line on the promise of 'things will get easier'. Then even if she did decide to be open about you years down the line, then you could still have to live with him kicking off and causing drama.

Apart from your super judgemental post about women who havnt been able to have had the luck to meet the one at your age (luck is all it is by the way, unless you are desperate enough to try force anything to work just because they are lovely). You do sound like a caring partner, you are looking for someone who is in the right time in their life where they are able to give & recieve care and attention. Your GF is not in that place. She has a lot of kids to keep her busy, who will all have varying upset and trama from a messy ongoing divorce, plus the abusive ex she will have to hide you from indefinitely. THIS single mother is not able to give you what you need. That isn't saying you should rule out anyone with kids, but have better judgement on whether they are properly in a position to have the type of relationship you are seeking. Recently separated with ongoing ex drama is probably best avoided, even if they don't have kids.

Five children and still married (although going through a protracted divorce)? Why the heck was she on a dating site in the first place?

I'd move on, tbh that's just too much and her children should come first. By the time she gets to a stage in life when everything is relatively calm, it will be years.

I'd move on, and if you link later on in life, so be it. But what you want now (which is understandable), she cannot give you.

As you say she is going through a difficult divorce .
Has young children who may be being asked questions by the ex..maybe why she keeps things distanced while children are around and she is also protecting them from from any further upset I understand this.
Its only 7 months and as you said she has given you lots of time I think being understanding while divorce is going through then see where the land lies.
No need for too much pressure or being overly needy.

I think it’s difficult for her, she has her hands very full with working most days plus 4 DC at home, who will all need her for varying things.

It seems she’s generous with the time she has and understandable she needs at least a day to keep on top of things at home and a lunch would be disruptive.

As hoc phone calls and messages could also be intrusive and potentially overwhelming, especially if you expect her to consistently respond.

She has a lot of pre existing commitments to a big family and work. I don’t think I will change much unless you are at the point of moving in together.

YABU to expect more from her, but equally can consider if you want to continue in a relationship with someone who is (albeit understandably) so committed elsewhere.

I don't think there's any win for this woman though, 5 kids is a lot, to try and date someone who's also a single parent who has an equally busy schedule and who has more kids you'd need to factor in if you ever wanted to live together etc is also very impractical. Tbh someone who's child free but is decent with children and respectful of your time is the ideal for a single parent.

My friend hadher new boyfriend under a girls name as had a teen keep asking questions and going through a divorce

I have two kids (15 & 12), phone calls can be difficult around kids and voice notes are completely out as I can't get enough peace to listen to them.
However, I've been with DP just under 2 years, I visit him once or twice a week. My kids have known him for well over a year, and he has a sort-of step-parent role. Even early on they knew I was seeing someone. It's hard if she's keeping it secret.
He does know that with kids I might not be free, so we do messages and get back to each other when we can, if we do phone calls we usually ask first and we mostly do it late at night when it's quieter. Now my kids are older it's easier as they're mostly in their room, but when they were smaller it was very hard to communicate with people I was dating.