AIBU for wanting to be able to call/message my single mum girlfriend when she has her kids?

[WoundedWidower]

Wasn't sure where on the internet to ask this, but thought Mumsnet might give me the most honest answer.

I (46/M) met a lovely lady (46/F) who happens to be a single mother.

She has 5 kids (7, 10, 11, 16, 25), the 4 youngest live at home with her, and the 3 youngest go to their Dad's every other weekend.

She has been generous with her free time, and I see her almost all of her free weekends (she comes to me).

She works 4 days a week, mainly from home, but sometimes in the office. Her day off is mainly cleaning, washing, chores etc.

I've tried to be realistic about her situation. I understand that the kids are the priority, and I'm happy to stay in the background so as not to unsettle them.

Unfortunately the ex is not a nice person, and she's going through a protracted unpleasant divorce.

My concern is whether I'm being unreasonable to expect a higher level of communication between us.

Specifically when she has the younger children, replies to messages are hit and miss, she doesn't call, and doesn't answer calls. Given that she has the children most of the time, there's just not a whole lot of communication, and I've always felt that relationships rely on healthy communication.

I suppose I feel a bit side-lined, and I'm not sure how to progress the relationship, or even if I should.

I'm in her phone under a false (female) name, so the kids don't notice and feed back to the ex that someone new is on the scene.

I'm not sure if I'm just being overly needy, or whether I should expect more at this stage of a relationship. We've been seeing each other for 7 months now.

AIBU for expecting to be able to call and message, and get answered or replied to? Is it worth sticking it out in the hope that things might improve, or is this just part and parcel of dating a single Mum?

Thanks in advance for you answers/opinions. Please go easy on me, it was hard for me to open up to the internet, and first dating someone with kids!

Five children is too many to take on. Going through a difficult divorce and an unpleasant ex are not things I'd be holding space for either.

She's lying about your existence by having you under a false name. You're basically an affair partner. If you are even brought into the open you'll have to lie forever about when you met.

What you have now would suit someone looking for a casual set up. If you want more than that I doubt you'll get it with her.

I can understand not doing phonecalls, tbh by the time even the younger kids are in bed she probably just wants a moment's peace, but I am surprised she doesn't text you back a bit more often - it only takes seconds. But then are you likely to call her if she texts you? Because I'd hate that.

I think it's understandable that she is so busy, but also understandable that this may not be what you want given you don't have to work around children in the same way. In your position I can completely see why only seeing her every other weekend (I assume) is not really what you're looking for - it likely works for her because she is busy the rest of the time, but it sounds like you'd be better off - sadly - ending it and looking for someone with a little more free time.

I have two kids and it took me 7 hours to reply to my husband the other day. She's busy and you're not her number one priority when she's solo parenting her 5(!) kids.

Sorry for your loss, but you cannot have what you lost. That's impossible for any new girlfriend to do.

I am childfree and my life is the polar opposite of your girlfriends. I actively carved out a life of peace, quiet, plenty of free time.
You will (rightly) come last after all of this womans overwhelming responsibilities.
There's lots of childfree communities online. Have you had bereavement therapy?

As a single mum in the same age bracket, even only having one child, I'd be very put off by a man expecting me to be available to chat (whether call or message) when I'm with my son. I actually ended a relationship with someone who had the same thoughts as you, I found it incredibly needy and unattractive.

Maybe you should try dating women with either no children or adult children, that might work better for you.

personally as long as your both happy when your together then sometimes you have to make due as best as

I think you've bitten off more than you can chew.

I am assuming from your username that you were married but sadly your wife passed away? Please correct me if I'm wrong but it really doesn't sound like this new person is the one for you.

Her priorities will always be her children. You will always be way at the back when it comes to attention etc.

It sounds like you want something serious so do you really want to always be last when it comes to love/affection/attention?

You sound like a nice guy and you're right, at your age most will have ex's/children but this lady has her hands full for a very long time.

I appreciate you don't want to get hurt again but I would be very cautious about continuing this relationship.

Is not the one for you.

Sorry also saw your post where you confirmed your a widower.

What about when the kids are at school? It’s impossible to talk to anyone with young children in the house. You are guaranteed to be interrupted.

Regardless of what happens in between your weekends together it sounds as though you need to get on the same page about what a future together might look like (or decide that you want different things)

Im sorry about your wife.

Theres nothing wrong in what you want out of a relationship. I just dont think you are going to get it from this lady. Im a single mother of 4 and genuinely just dont have the time to date. She won't be able to give you the level of commitment you need in the foreseeable future.

OP, I think what it comes down to is not that she's not a good person or that you don't have a good relationship, but that you are wanting very different things from your relationship at this point. You say you want what you had with your late wife. but thats simply not possible in this situation. You and your late wife had each other, lievd together, had no children. It was easy to be 100% there for each other 100% of the time. In this case, she has childlren, and a life and she simply can't be that for you.

I have girlfriends who I text and see regularly, but I promise you, I'm not responding to their texts promptly in the evenings when I'm sorting the kids. And I only have 2 DC and my Dh is on the scene. It's just too busy. And frankly, I'm too tired. By the time I sit down, I COULD respond to messages or take a call, but quite honestly, I don't want to.

And I think if she's spending all of her kids free time withyou, have you considered how that might be upping the pressure the rest of the time? That's time she's not spending with her friends, doing chores, recharging alone?

I dont want to say end it as it's obvious you both care about each other, but I do think that if your need is for more contact and engagement, then this relationship mightn ot be for you.

Looking after children is hard work with four children at home including three under 12 she won't have time to immediately respond to your messages.
You say you understand the children are her priority but you also complain about being sidelined. When she has the children she won't have the time or energy to be constantly messaging you. Even in relationships where the children belong to both partners couples often have very little time to themselves.
If you want to continue with this relationship guy have to understand and really accept that her first responsibility is to get children and they will be the focus of her attention.

I think soft yabu. You're widowed, you say yourself, you want what you lost. Which frankly, was a wife, you were eachothers primary family, especially having no kids.

This is your girlfriend. Kids or not. You are not the main member of her life. And she shouldn't be yours. You haven't been dating that long at all.

She spends a full every other weekend with you, to the extent that she has to work harder in her life to keep up with the things she doesn't get done during that time. She is clearly making you a priority, just not the only priority.

Presumably she's contactable while the kids are at school. Although obviously she's working. And she's busy in the afternoon anyway, whether her kids knew or not, she's doing homework, dinner, packed lunches, school uniforms bath and bed.

I think you just need to adjust your expectations from husband, to boyfriend.

Sorry for your loss. Look after yourself, you deserve someone who puts you first, don't settle for crumbs. While you're in a relationship with her, assuming you're loyal, you won't have a chance of meeting someone more suitable.

I don't think you are unreasonable to want more from her, but you are if you're wanting her to take the place of your wife. She can't give it, she's a different person with very different responsibilities. You say she's a lovely person and she's being a lovely person to her children.

Having said that I don't think it sounds like she's in a place to have a relationship. To her, and I'm sorry this is blunt and I hope I'm not being unfair to her, you are a fuck buddy and company on the weekends she doesn't have the kids. Understandably she doesn't have the investment in this that you do.

Maybe she'd like to be more invested. Maybe it will get better in time. But I think you have to be honest with yourself. This is the way it is. You can't change her and she won't change herself because that's her life right now. Do you want to carry on this way as she is or do you want to find someone else who can give you more?

I've actually only tried to call her twice. I usually leave it to her because I know she's got the kids.

It's a shame as we get on so well when we're together. Not being a parent myself, I was clueless as to how much work children are!

Sorry to hear about your loss but you are never going to recreate what you had with your wife with a woman who has 5 kids!

The fact you decided not to have kids and focus on one another sounds like it worked well but you will never get that level of dedication and focus from someone who has numerous children.

You aren't compatible.

I can see both sides.

You are early in a relationship and it should be better than what it is.

But she has 4 kids, all at different stages, needing different things and she is just one person. She is giving you the time she has.

I wouldn't be happy being in a relationship if I was a secret and even my name was changed on his phone.

I think you have to accept it for what it is if you think it might work eventually, or walk away if it's not giving you want you want.

She prob doesn’t want to rock the boat while getting a divorce. I get that ! Im
mid divorce

be patient with her

I have one child and don’t always reply to texts at once

what happens to 16 when the youngest 3 are with dad - different dad or just as older and doesn’t want to see dad

if she sees you when kids at dads then that’s good

When the kids are at school she's working.

I guess I need to either accept that it is what it is, and it's only going to be a casual thing for the foreseeable future, or move on and look for someone with fewer commitments.

Gutted TBH.

You are perfectly entitled to want more but it doesn’t sound like she has more to offer right now. I’d move on if I were you, you are always going to be back of the queue and rightly so, she must put her children first but you don’t have to.

I don't know how she does it. 4 kids still living at home, a high conflict divorce, working 4 days a week and spending every other weekend away from home. That would absolutely overwhelm me in every way. I don't know how she feels like she has the time for a relationship with the pressure of having to prioritise yet another human. I can imagine she could easily feel suffocated if you start asking her to speak to you on the phone when she's with her kids and asking her to answere your messages quicker.

OP, I think you really need to try and find someone who doesn't have small children as it sounds like you want something completely different to what your girlfriend has the capacity to offer you. Her plate is full.

Yes to overly needy. Sounds like she’s juggling a lot, including her relationship with you. My advice would be to be supportive of her, that’s if the relationship is worth it to you. If you need more then there’s your answer.

16yo (boy) has a different Dad, but doesn't really see him. He's quite happy to be left with an empty house for him and his mates to party and trash the place apparently.