AIBU for wanting to be able to call/message my single mum girlfriend when she has her kids?

[WoundedWidower]

Wasn't sure where on the internet to ask this, but thought Mumsnet might give me the most honest answer.

I (46/M) met a lovely lady (46/F) who happens to be a single mother.

She has 5 kids (7, 10, 11, 16, 25), the 4 youngest live at home with her, and the 3 youngest go to their Dad's every other weekend.

She has been generous with her free time, and I see her almost all of her free weekends (she comes to me).

She works 4 days a week, mainly from home, but sometimes in the office. Her day off is mainly cleaning, washing, chores etc.

I've tried to be realistic about her situation. I understand that the kids are the priority, and I'm happy to stay in the background so as not to unsettle them.

Unfortunately the ex is not a nice person, and she's going through a protracted unpleasant divorce.

My concern is whether I'm being unreasonable to expect a higher level of communication between us.

Specifically when she has the younger children, replies to messages are hit and miss, she doesn't call, and doesn't answer calls. Given that she has the children most of the time, there's just not a whole lot of communication, and I've always felt that relationships rely on healthy communication.

I suppose I feel a bit side-lined, and I'm not sure how to progress the relationship, or even if I should.

I'm in her phone under a false (female) name, so the kids don't notice and feed back to the ex that someone new is on the scene.

I'm not sure if I'm just being overly needy, or whether I should expect more at this stage of a relationship. We've been seeing each other for 7 months now.

AIBU for expecting to be able to call and message, and get answered or replied to? Is it worth sticking it out in the hope that things might improve, or is this just part and parcel of dating a single Mum?

Thanks in advance for you answers/opinions. Please go easy on me, it was hard for me to open up to the internet, and first dating someone with kids!

Yeah but realistically you have to take the other person's situation and needs into account too. I think OP sounds pretty understanding and has been patient, understanding that this woman doesn't have loads of free time to spend with him/chat etc, but ultimately someone who is single and childfree is likely (and reasonable) to want more from someone than just every other weekend.

I'd say if you have 5 kids and some are still dependent to the point you can't even regularly answer text messages whenever you have them with you then you probably don't really have time to date, and certainly shouldn't be dating someone in OP's difficult position of being a widower who's looking for a real relationship.

OP, you are asking for another world of grief , as if you haven't suffered enough.
She may be lovely but this is a shit show.

The drama of an awful ex and 5 children IS too much.

Step away and give yourself the chance of something less stressful.
You WILL regret staying.

The ex is going nowhere.
Years of grief, drama and stress are ahead of you if you stay.
Not worth it.

Lord, no! The divorce was well underway before we met. The ex has substance abuse issues and a history of DV.

The FDR court date is next week, though I don't expect them to come to an agreement, so will probably go to FH.

To cover some other replies; I'm open to a future living with the kids at some point, although as others have mentioned, the ex may be the sticking point.

With all that's going on (five children, with 4 sixteen and under, plus a protracted divorce), she shouldn't have been on a dating site in the first place. You're best to cut your losses and go.