AIBU for wanting to be able to call/message my single mum girlfriend when she has her kids?

[WoundedWidower]

Wasn't sure where on the internet to ask this, but thought Mumsnet might give me the most honest answer.

I (46/M) met a lovely lady (46/F) who happens to be a single mother.

She has 5 kids (7, 10, 11, 16, 25), the 4 youngest live at home with her, and the 3 youngest go to their Dad's every other weekend.

She has been generous with her free time, and I see her almost all of her free weekends (she comes to me).

She works 4 days a week, mainly from home, but sometimes in the office. Her day off is mainly cleaning, washing, chores etc.

I've tried to be realistic about her situation. I understand that the kids are the priority, and I'm happy to stay in the background so as not to unsettle them.

Unfortunately the ex is not a nice person, and she's going through a protracted unpleasant divorce.

My concern is whether I'm being unreasonable to expect a higher level of communication between us.

Specifically when she has the younger children, replies to messages are hit and miss, she doesn't call, and doesn't answer calls. Given that she has the children most of the time, there's just not a whole lot of communication, and I've always felt that relationships rely on healthy communication.

I suppose I feel a bit side-lined, and I'm not sure how to progress the relationship, or even if I should.

I'm in her phone under a false (female) name, so the kids don't notice and feed back to the ex that someone new is on the scene.

I'm not sure if I'm just being overly needy, or whether I should expect more at this stage of a relationship. We've been seeing each other for 7 months now.

AIBU for expecting to be able to call and message, and get answered or replied to? Is it worth sticking it out in the hope that things might improve, or is this just part and parcel of dating a single Mum?

Thanks in advance for you answers/opinions. Please go easy on me, it was hard for me to open up to the internet, and first dating someone with kids!

Im a single mum with kids and a couple of them are teens. All living at home. None of my children have ever asked me who has just txt me ? Maybe someone from my family txt me, or a friend, or whoever it may be. My children know I have friends and family who txt me.

If her children ask her who is texting her ? She simply needs to say her friend. She is of course allowed friends. Even tho shes scared of her ex. Otherwise she will be teaching her children you are not allowed' to have friends.

Also my children do not look on my phone to check whos in my contacts. Seems strange to me, but every family setup is different.

Even tho I don't agree with her behavour, I would say if you really like her, stick with it and see how things go. Shes being overly cautious, but she's not doing anything wrong' or bad on purpose.

I'm mid 40s myself and it is so so hard to find any partner nowadays, even the 20 yr olds are having trouble finding anyone good' - ( I hear it all the time from my elder children and their friends)
The dating scene is awful and so are the ppl.
So if you have found someone you really like, the feelings mutual, and you get on, don't give up on it too easily. Its hard to find.

You say you feel a bit sidelined. To be blunt. that’s bound to be the case when the person sidelining you has sole, day to day, responsibility for their 4 children. When I had 3 at home, with a hands-on dh, we barely had time for a relationship with each other, especially when they were young.
I’m sure things will get easier, as time goes on, and the children get older, but you will never be the number one priority for someone with children, unless things are very skewed. It depends if you can come to terms with that, wait patiently for as long as it takes, and be introduced gradually into the children’s lives, then fully embrace being part of a relationship involving 6 other people, 5 of whom are always, quite rightly, going to be more important to the sixth person than you!

She's keeping you a secret, and giving you almost no time or attention for 12 days out of 14? You're last on her list. For good reasons, she has kids so they will come first, but you're more of an illicit EOW weekend shag than a boyfriend.
If you want more, then I don't think this is the right person for you at this time. She isn't divorced yet either which will be another issue, if you're seen as the other man somehow.

You've not really done anything wrong but I just don't think she's in the position to give you all the attention you need. She does sound like she tries though with the weekends she has free, as you said in your first post so kudos.

If you need more then perhaps she's not the lady for you. Nothing wrong in that but she will have to give her attention to the children, they are correctly her priority.

replies to messages are hit and miss, she doesn't call, and doesn't answer calls. Given that she has the children most of the time, there's just not a whole lot of communication, and I've always felt that relationships rely on healthy communication.

She has 5 kids, 4 under 16, and you want her to be more available to communicate with when her kids are with her.

Dude. Get a grip. She's going through a possibly high conflict divorce. She hasn't told her kids she's seeing someone. She is a busy mom. She works 4 days a week.

Your expectations are unreasonable for a woman in her situation. You take up much of her free time and wanted more. She is fielding a tricky situation with regards to her divorce and her kids and yes, you're being needy. Yes, you come behind her kids. She fits you into her busy, complicated life when she can. Is that enough for you?

It sounds like you want much more togetherness in a relationship than she is free to give you, so you're incompatible.

Yikes, 5 kids and still married, why would you choose to get involved?

I dated for about 3 weeks when I was getting divorced.

The man I met was lovely, at first.

Then, he began pushing to find out exactly where I lived. I was really happy to be open and connect, but that didn't feel safe.

I was co-parenting 50/50 in the beginning and I jealously guarded my time with my children. My biggest red line was absolutely no contact while I had my children with me.

He texted me during that time, so I ended it. Three years later, I have no regrets. We still say hello, but if you can't happily stick to her boundaries, it won't work. It's a shame, but someone else out there will be who you need them to be.

Good luck OP.

Edited as posted too soon.

Neither of you are being unreasonable, she sounds like a busy woman but it's ok for you to say you need more than she's currently able to give.

Because she's a lovely person!

Also I'm acutely aware that most single women in my age bracket are likely to have children, and have been married before.

Honestly I'd be more worried about the ones that have never settled down by this age!

I'm not sure of your previous relationship status. But if you're 46 and never been married then this is likely the ideal low commitment relationship for you. Realistically, do you want a more intense romantic relationship than you already have? Are you thinking there may be a future for you as her kids' step father etc? I can understand why she's taking it very slowly with you. It's a bit of fun for now but she's still married and committed to her kids. She probably thinks that's what you want too. What is your relationship history?

Do you have other friends like her mum friends? Your are coming across as a bit needy and intense. I think you're after that complete infatuation feeling which is difficult with such little contact, not that's for 20 year olds not 46 year olds with 5 children and difficult exes.

I don't think you will need to wait a decade for things to change. Maybe 2-3 years whilst the divorce settles and her youngest is established in secondary school. In the meantime, I would really examine what you want and if that's the best thing for her too, when you think about her circumstances. If what you want, and what's best for her, are not the same thing, then let this go.

Worried that they didn't have multiple kids and an abusive ex? What a weird view!

Sorry, I thought my username would have covered that.

I was happily married to an amazing woman for 14 years, who I sadly lost to cancer a couple of years ago. We never had children. Talked about having them, but decided not to.

Being completely honest with myself, I want what I lost. Someone who was always there to chat, discuss everything going on in our lives, always present etc. Really a best friend.

I do have other friends, but it's....not the same?

I suppose I was a bit naïve in thinking that someone with younger children would have the time and mental space for that.

Probably a bit unfair as it sounds as though you haven’t got children yourself - no judgment but I don’t think you can write off childfree women of your age!

Edited as I saw your response re your username. I am very sorry for your loss.

If this doesn’t work out, maybe look for someone whose children are all grown, or at least where the youngest are later teens. You will probably get more communication from them!

My daughter has three children in that age range, and a part-time job.

I get to speak to her once a week max. I keep my texts and messages to a minimum outside agreed catch-up times, and I don't expect her to answer any of them straightaway and allow for that.

Your GF is busy.

Really, you don't need to worry about women who are independent enough not to have 'settled down' in the wrong relationship. I've seen your most recent update, and I'm really sorry for your loss. From what you've said, I don't think this woman's circumstances make her a good match for you.

To be honest, I think SHE has moved a bit too quickly into a relationship, given her circumstances.

OK, well, bluntly, you’re not ever going to get the sole focus you got from your childfree wife who lived with you from a single parent of five young children who works almost FT and is going through a difficult divorce. I think you need to let go your idea that you can ‘replace’ your marriage with someone whose circumstances are so utterly different.

You’ve put that you think relationships need “healthy communication”. But there’s nothing “unhealthy” about what you’re describing, your problem is quantity. Maybe you need to put more thought in to what you need?

I think you need to be realistic that if you’re dating someone who has kids at home, you have to come after the kids in their priorities. That is how things should be. And that will either work for you or it won’t.

Id suggest building the rest of your life up more. You lost someone who took up a huge part of your life. Finding one person to replace all of that is not a realistic aim. Fill different parts of your life with different things and people, and maybe you’ll find the space you have for your girlfriend is just right.

But you've chosen to date a woman who is still married. And with 4 children from ages 7 to 16 living with her.

You cannot expect this woman, in her complex and busy situation, to fill the life role that your wife with no children did.

You're aiming for the constant contact and companionship you had and this woman is not even close to being able to give you that and won't be for many years. She can't be your life companion. She has other priorities.

So you decide do you want this woman and the very limited relationship she can offer you or do you want a relationship that can progress to life companion?

I think you've identified a real issue here. You are looking for companionship and someone nearby to talk to and laugh with. But you have become involved with a lovely but very busy mum of young children, who is divorcing a jealous and possessive ex.

So is she lovely and loving enough to wait 10 years for? Or is she the right person but wrong time for you? Whilst you decide, invest in other ways of building companionship and friendship. It's always good to build friendships - and to use your time and energy to be with others too. And men, IME, tend not to build up a wide base of support structures. (Are there old friends who would appreciate meeting up for a drink? A new hobby you could explore? Volunteering can open your eyes to whole worlds of friendship and fun and giving.)

Whether you stay with her or look elsewhere, your relationships will be all the richer for having a wider network around you.

How so? We don’t know how long ago she may have split from the father of her children if the baby is 7. His may work perfectly well for her, seeing the OP on the weekends her younger children stay with their father. She’s not to know the OP wants much more frequent text and phone contact. If it’s not working for him, it’s on him to raise the issue or end it.

It might be best to date a childless woman.

At least you know that now op. Dating after loss is really difficult and grief doesn't move in a straight line so you're going to find yourself repeatedly in situations where you need to reflect and reconsider your motivations and what you need/ want. Those moments can become a little more spaced out but you'll still find them happening.

Noone will ever take the place of your late wife but I think there's a conversation you need to have with your girlfriend to explain where you're at and how she sees the relationship playing out and if there are ways you can meet in the middle.

But I also think you need to consider why you decided you didn't want kids in the first place if you're wanting to blend a life with someone who has lots of kids and you absolutely can't compare the lifestyle and the availability from a partner that you had with your wife, to someone with children. Even for married couples who are sharing kids in a happy relationship it's difficult to make space for each other.

The other side to this is that unless you're wanting a child of your own, neither of you are in a particular rush to 'settle down'. One of the silver linings to having your kids and being back in the dating pool is that you can make it what you want it to be without feeling like you need to get married and have babies before she's losing fertility. So I'm wondering if you can reframe it for yourself in that way a bit? If you felt secure enough in the relationship to accept that the majority of your time together is going to have to be very structured then I think there is something about the best of both worlds there. You have a chance for your own independence/ hobbies/ friends etc and then it's great when you are together. And she's not wrong that in the future there's nothing stopping you from eventually moving in together (if that's what she also wants further down the line). This is just where you're at right now and I think sometimes after a break up of a long term relationship or a loss like you've experienced its very common to want to sort of speed time along so you don't feel like you're 'starting from scratch' in a new relationship because you miss the intimacy and the experience that comes from being with someone for a long time where you really know each other. But it's not a healthy thing to do so either you are aware of it and you can keep it in check, or you can't in which case maybe there is a bit more work you need to do around your grief with a counsellor or similar. 7 months really is not that long and timelines have to slow down when kids are involved to keep them safe.

Christ tell me you don’t have kids without telling me you don’t have kids

you are completely clueless - I was going to put “kindly” but surely no one can be this oblivious that a single parent of so many children and also working means her communication into be sporadic and limited.

I was referring not to length of time since her split, but her current circumstances.