To think my daughter is too young for her bf?

[CraftyHazelSeal]

My daughter is 20 years old. A few months ago she started dating a man 16 years older than her. Me and DH didn't know about him, we assumed she was dating someone her age. She told us she never felt uncomfortable with him, he never suggested her alcohol and he treats her well. But we're still worried about his intentions. I can't confirm but as she says he's single, never did drugs and his criminal record is clean. She's suggested us to meet with him.

Well shes bringing him to meet you, which is a positive

Tell her your concerns once but say that you love and will support her, whilst silently praying for this man to piss off

^ This. Keep calm and supportive, you don’t want them eloping.

I dated a guy 12 years my senior when I was 22 and it was the best relationship I've ever had. He completely adored me. My parents were not happy though- my mum used to call him ' Methuselah.'
The only concern imo is that they're at different life stages.

I think it’s a bit odd that because there is an age gap, you immediately wonder if he does drugs or has a criminal record?

I met someone with a similar age gap when i was 20. I met him at a dance class. Didn’t consider it any of my mum’s business.

I would say it’s unlikely to last though.

What's making you nervous @CraftyHazelSeal ? He is only 36, and she is an adult. While it might not be what you wished for if he treats her well, is kind and financially solvent, and they are a good match then I am not sure what you can do about it? Plus it is still early days so I would just watch to see how it unfolds. (Unless of course there is more to the background to this).

It most likely won’t last but for the sake of not falling out with your daughter I’d just be pleased to meet him and don’t cause an issue about it. I don’t know why you’d leap to assuming drugs or alcohol are involved - if anything that would be more likely amongst her own age group.

That’s a big gap in my eyes!

I remember being 21 and dating a 29 year old guy and I was terrified about telling my dad as I thought he’d go mad at that age gap, never mind there being a 16 year gap 😬

There’s something ‘off’ about a 36 year old guy being interested in a 20 year old.

However, they’re both adults….. so I suppose all you can do is keep a close eye on your daughter and hope it quickly fizzles out.

It's not ideal. You have to think ahead. He's likely thinking kids or will be by the time he's 40, which is just 4 years away. Will your daughter be ready for such life changing events at 24?

I would not be happy at all with this age gap for my DD.

Similar age gap to my sibling and their wife, if I hadn’t known about how big the age gap was I would have put it around 8 years rather than 13 years.
They’ve been together for 22 years and are blissfully happy.
i would withhold judgement until you see them together/meet him.

You can have your concerns but ultimately she’s an adult. I’d keep my opinions to myself and if goes pear shaped just be there for her. Personally as long as she’s happy that’s all that matters.

I had a relationship with a similar age gap - I was 19-20 and he was 34-35. He was lovely, we got on really well, nobody ever questioned the age gap and we didn't really notice it. We split up very amicably when he got a job offer overseas and we stayed in touch for many years afterwards; I've got nothing but good memories of him.

Ultimately your daughter's an adult and can date whoever she likes. You can think he's too old for her, but your opinion shouldn't actually have any impact on her choices.

I would not be happy at all with this age gap for my DD

So what? If it's not your relationship, you don't get to have a say.

‘Only’ 36?

36 is really old to be dating a 20 year old! He’s a wrong un if you ask me.

My granny met my grandad when she was 20 & he was 33. They got married & had 6 kids. But, her parents didn’t go to the wedding.

I dated someone much older than me, my parents briefly met him when he picked me up for a night out. My parents just laughed, then said to me that he was closer in age to them than he was me. To be honest, it kind killed it stone dead for me as they were correct!

Meet the chap, try remain friendly. Daughter is only 20, chances are she'll be dating for a while and meeting others before she settles down.

With that large an age gap and her being only 20, I'd be worried that he's controlling and or had significant issues women his age would pick up on and that's why he's dating so much younger.

Keep communication open with her.

No I don't you're right. But I'd still not be happy about it.

I'd also wonder why a chap at 36 was left on the shelf and now leeching over 20 year old girls.

God, what a creep he must be. Sadly you'll have to grin and bear it. If you voice any concern you'll push her away.
Hopefully she'll go off him and meet someone a similar age.

What is your concern about him?

I expcect her concern will be a 36 year bloke should not be chasing 20yr old girls. Kind of gives an idea on his character.

It probably wont last. Just welcome him into your home. This is coming from someone that is married to someone 13 years older than me, but we met when l was 47, there a massive difference between her age and his in terms of life experience.

If a woman was 36 and single, would you describe her as “left on the shelf?”

I wouldn't like it but there is nothing you can do about it. Im 36 and I certainly wouldn't date a 20 year old and would think there was something wrong with any 36 year old who looked at any 20 year old like that.

My 25 year old daughter is dating a guy who is 48, I say nothing, she’s happy even if I’m not (it’s awkward he’s closer to me in age than her). It will probably run it’s course eventually and I follow the example of my parents, who never interfered or commented on my boyfriends even if they disliked them intensely

What do you mean he never suggested alcohol. She’s an adult, does she not drink? Fair enough if not, but she can if she chooses without your permission

also I don’t understand why you think he’d be a criminal if he’s 36 or a druggie?