To think my daughter is too young for her bf?

[CraftyHazelSeal]

My daughter is 20 years old. A few months ago she started dating a man 16 years older than her. Me and DH didn't know about him, we assumed she was dating someone her age. She told us she never felt uncomfortable with him, he never suggested her alcohol and he treats her well. But we're still worried about his intentions. I can't confirm but as she says he's single, never did drugs and his criminal record is clean. She's suggested us to meet with him.

Yes. Really odd. What the hell does a 36 year old have in common with someone barely out of their teens. I’d explain to her that you’re concerned and why, without pushing her away. She will most likely realise when she’s older. It is absolutely fucking weird no matter what anyone else says.

Very good point, you beat me to that comment.
The hypocrisy on this forum is often laughable.

When you meet him, be perfectly pleasant etc, but do things like offer him some Werthers Originals, ask about his retirement plans, and offer him the comfy chair.

I'm married to a man 16 years older than me (been together nearly 30 years now 🙈). I was 19 when we met and we had some really good years. I will say there are positives and negatives - mostly the fact that he's never actually grown up which I'm finding harder as I've matured. Hes also an older dad (and often gets mistaken for the kids grandad). He's also rapidly approaching retirement and I'm facing another 20 years in work which is going to be tough. Looking back i probably did miss out on a lot of life experiences but it is what it is and I've got a massive bucket list for when the kids are older

This used to be the expected norm. Guy in his thirties dating girl in early twenties. I don't think it's anything terrible. See what you think of him.

This is a wild take. The type of man who dates someone half his age is not going to be feeling anxious to settle down into domesticity and parenthood as a priority 🤣

I think this is a key piece. An old soul with a good head on her shoulders will attract and be attracted to more sensible men.

But any 36 year old who’d taken an interest in 20 year old me would 100% have been either a wrong ‘un or desperately immature himself - because I was emotionally still very young and a bit of a fucking idiot if I’m honest.

When I was 21 I was in a relationship with a 38 year old, which now as the mother of a daughter that age I am quite horrified by. To make matters worse, said daughter is his daughter. We were together about 3 years.

At the time it would never have worked because he just assumed his opinion trumped mine because he was so much older, when in fact often he talked shite and had some very skewed ideas on things. Obviously we’ve had to stay in touch to co-parent and now, over 20 years since we broke up, he’s one of my closest friends and we natter for ages on the phone and when we see each other. But I think it’s taken me getting older myself and him no longer seeing me as inferior to him to treat me as an equal.

But yeah, at the time my parents weren’t happy, his male friends thought he was some kind of champ for having a much younger gf 🤮, and his female friends were very wary of me.

👏👏

Well played.

Reminisce with him about the 00s. Let her see him for the millennial he is 😆

But seriously OP, she will remember how you treat her more than she will remember him so I'd advise keeping it light, say nothing and let it fizzle.

She knows you'll feel weird about it, she's trying out different versions of herself and you're best giving her space and acceptance to do that. Whether they break up or end up happily ever after or in an abusive situation, she will need you and you need to be approachable.

I agree I’d be pleasant and meet him and hope it naturally ended. I have a 20yo and would be really unhappy about a partner aged 36.

It's very odd, and I wouldn't like it either, but I think the best thing you can do is to make sure you keep a good relationship with her

I agree with you OP. A lot of people will be along shortly to say they met their partner when they were 16 and he was 40 and they are still madly in love etc but I think its creepy and I wouldnt be able to respect someone of 36 who wanted a partner nearly a generation younger.

On the other hand its not your relationship so you will have to deal with it as best you can and if you show disapproval its likely to push them closer together.

Solidarity.

When I was 19 I dated a man who was 41, briefly! He was absolutely lovely and I learned a thing ot two from him. But I was 19 and wanted to have fun, and experience life, he already owned his own house and had a proper job so I broke up with him.

We stayed friends a long time and met up platonically a couple of times after. He'd give me advice on various stuff over the years. Lovely man.

I did think he was early 30's before anything happened, just assumed, he told me he was 41 before anything happened.

So it could be perfectly innocent if a little unusual. But at least she wants you to meet him. Id say try not to panic but be a little on guard.

She’s an adult. Has been for 2 years. If she takes alcohol, that’s her business. So is her love life. Her choice..not yours . Her mistake to make, if it is one.

A member of our family started dating a guy in his late 30s when she was 17. She is 30 now, child and married, they are very happy. Was dubious at first - but it seems to have worked for them. She is an adult. let her find her own way.

@NavyTurtle Yes, sometimes these relationships last but it’s completely understandable to be dubious at first. I’d be highly dubious of anyone in their late 30’s who took an interest in my DS (17), I couldn’t help it. 🤷

Lets not forget that men take a lot longer than women to mature emotionally. In that regard, the "gap" may not seem as bad.

My ex husband is 36, and acts still quite emotionally immature.

I also find that most men dont really want to settle until their 30s and some men just go out having fun etc and worry about relationships later.

As long as he treats her with respect, love and care, I dont think the gap should be a major concern, especially if your daughter is mature for her age and has a good head on her ahoulders.

‘Snapped up’? What a way to think.
I must be terrible then. I got divorced in my early 30s, I’m now 61 and nobody has ‘snapped me up’ in all that time. Jesus. Some people don’t want to be ‘snapped up’. They might be focussing on career, or family responsibilities, or hobbies, or just not want to be grateful to the first person who offers…

I had a short fling with a guy 20 years older than me when I was 23. It was a fun summer but ultimately fizzled at as we were in very different life stages!
as long as he treats her well that is all that matters. It’ll probably die naturally with time.

I’m 36 and couldn’t imagine ever wanting to date a twenty year old. I have a son not much younger in fact so am only too aware of the differences in maturity levels, life experience, well, everything. It gives a strong whiff of something deficient in one or both.

I wouldn't be happy about that age gap either. However, at her age it's more likely than not that they will split.

I wouldn’t like it for my DD however best to try to be supportive. Meet him if you can. It likely won’t last.

Side note: my mate started dating a 45 year old at 19!
Now that is an age gap!
He had kids her age too 🙈
I wouldn’t have thought it would last but it did- he’s now 70 and she 44 so they must love each other.

I think you have to let it play out. If he treats her well and they want you to meet him those are positives. Odds are it won't last but if it does there are worse things.

For those saying she will end up his carer, both my aunts married older men (13 and 16 years age difference) and my mum was always against age gap relationships saying they would end up on their own. In reality, both aunts got cancer and died young in their 60's and early 70s and both uncles lived well into their 80's one outliving his much younger wife by many years while the other died just a year before. My mum and dad were close in age but she outlived him by about 18 years as he died in his 60s and her in her 80s. You just never know what will happen.

I'm 48, DP is 65 - we've been together 15 years nearly - it's not an issue

Just because you dont have an immediate 'say' as a parent it does not mean you cant be concerned. The fact is there will always be a massive power imbalance with a large age gap relationship especially if one party is early 20s.