To think my daughter is too young for her bf?

[CraftyHazelSeal]

My daughter is 20 years old. A few months ago she started dating a man 16 years older than her. Me and DH didn't know about him, we assumed she was dating someone her age. She told us she never felt uncomfortable with him, he never suggested her alcohol and he treats her well. But we're still worried about his intentions. I can't confirm but as she says he's single, never did drugs and his criminal record is clean. She's suggested us to meet with him.

You must know some very shallow men.

Mumsnet is so odd about age gaps. My DH is 16 years older then me, we met when I was 23. I wasn't some naive young thing straight out of school I'd been living away from home and working full time for 6 years. He was not some "creep chasing after young girls" We met through mutual friends and a shared love of our favourite sport and had plenty in common, we still do. We have been together for 20 years now. Don't be too quick to judge!

@Booksandcheese People are looking at it from the parents’ perspective. How would you and your DH feel if your 20-year-old started seeing a 36-year-old? Would you honestly not be uneasy at least initially?

Despite what some posters have said about older men always preferring younger women, my DH would be very uneasy for sure due to DD’s lack of life experience.

I will make sure I tell my husband you think he's a wrong 'un!
I might have noticed by now if there was something wrong with him having been together for 22 years but since you pre judged his intentions I don't think I can be bothered explaining how very wrong you are.

I would also be worried, but there is nothing you can do other than be there for her should she need it.

If things get serious I would encourage her to think about what her life would be like in 20 years time when she is 40 and he is 60. But I wouldn't be overly critical as it will just drive her away and make her more vulnerable.

Unless I knew that my 20 year old was on the immature side or was lacking in judgement, then no. She's an adult and as such is responsible for her own life. Be there for her if it all goes tit's up but her relationships would be none of my business.

There are 16 years between DH and I and we have been happily married for 20 plus years.

i was 24 when we met. I think it will depend on your DD’s level of maturity. 20 year old me just wanted to experience uni life. 24 year old me was ready for a relationship.

Yes she is too young for him, but you need to tread lightly or you risk pushing her towards him. Meet him and see, keep communication open with her and just hope it fizzles out

@Booksandcheese So your parents don’t still worry about you? And you don’t worry about your children? I don’t think I know any parents who don’t worry about their adult children tbh and wouldn’t be quietly concerned about their young adult children in this situation.

It doesn’t mean that they’d poke their noses in though, but I can understand why the OP is struggling.

It’s completely natural to have concerns so YANBU, but she is an adult capable of making her own decisions. I certainly wouldn’t feel comfortable with it if it was my daughter, but I also wouldn’t want to push her away so I’d try to treat the situation the same as if it was someone closer to her age.

It’s good that she wants you to meet him, and presumably he is willing too. The best thing you can do is keep an open mind and take the time to get to know him. He might be dodgy, but at the same time he might not be. I’ve known a few people in large age gap relationships, some of them even got married and had children and are still together. It doesn’t always mean the older person is a wrong’un.

The last thing you want her to do is close off from you. She will need you if it does go wrong at some point, and if they do stand the test of time surely you will want to be involved in things like a potential wedding, grandchildren etc.

It’s very strange that your first thoughts about your daughter’s boyfriend relate to drugs, alcohol and criminal records……..

You know that a 20 year old boyfriend could be taking drugs, enjoy alcohol and might have a criminal record? Would you be asking the same questions of a boyfriend closer in age to your DD?

I will say what I said the last time and what i will say the next time a parent wants to control their children you can think what you want but it doesn't work that that way

Try banning them then see what happens but are they doing it as they father issues?

My friend is married to a man who is 18 years older than her, together for over 35 years. They have shared interests, a very happy and stable home life and 2 adult children. She was early 20s when they met. If it works, it works.
Edited to add. Her mother never showed any adverse reactions to the relationship.

I would be more worried he has an ex wife and family already.

This made me smile as I have a similar-ish story… when I was 23 I dated a 29 year old, he was about to turn 30. My friends thought he was so old and referred to him as “Old Man Ben.” I laughed about it with them. We thought at 30 he must be past his best. We only dated about six months and he’ll be well into his 40s now, still makes me laugh that we thought a 29 year old was so ancient!

Well if it was either of my dc I would not be happy about it at all, and would worry they were missing out on certain life experiences that occur at that age compared to an older partner who would most likely be more settled and at a different stage in their life. However, there’s not much you can do about it. Age gap relationships can be a real mixed bag so it’s not all doom or gloom but keep an eye out for her.

My dh’s uncle got together with his wife when he was 20 yo and she was 36 yo. She had two children already and told him she wouldn’t be having any more. His family were livid about the relationship, interfered and tried to get them to break up, but he stuck with her. Due to the fuss the family made they ended up emigrating to the USA. They’ve been together at least 45 years now and are still
going strong…although no one sees them much because they still live in the US. They are very happy although the uncle is sad he never had kids.

My friend’s brother got with a 24 yo when he was 40 yo. The age difference might not have been an issue if he was reasonable man, however, he’s controlling and he hated her going out with her friends. He basically wanted a young hot wife who did as she was told and was a homebody. He spent his 20s out drinking with friends and having fun, but begrudges her the same experiences. She had a large group of close friend and over the last 8 years he has created no end of issues between her and her friends and now none of them talk to her. She’s completely on her own with just him.

A close friend of mine got together with a 45 yo when she was 19 yo (they’re now late 50s and 30s). They are one of the best couples I know. They’re totally devoted to each other, have such a loving healthy relationship with strong communication, and spend their time having fun and laughing together. It shouldn’t work but it really does.

So like I say, it doesn’t have to be the worse thing in the world, but I’d also keep an eye on her at a distance. You’ll be able to spot red flags better than she can.

@loislovesstewie Of course the relationship could work out, we all know people who are happy in age gap relationships.

The OP is simply expressing her concern and and asking other parents how they’d feel in this situation. She hasn’t said anything to her DD.

Parents are often worry about their adult children without letting onto them. We tell our close friends/other parents how we feel!

Complaining about a potential partner simply gives them a glamour they would otherwise lack. My mother eloped in the 1950s and I think a large part of it was her parents' utter implaccable opposition to the match. I don't think they were a particularly good match. I went out with a few outrageous people and when my parents stopped reacting a lot of the fun went out of it. I did get asked out a lot by older men - one I went out with once - and was too vain to wear my glasses. Suddenly something he said made me realise he was much older than I had realised as I squinted shortsightedly at him. Actually my parents would have scarcely blinked at this age gap but they had a different cultural tradition where it wouldn't have I suppose been that unusual. I eventually married the youngest man I had ever been out with - he was 28 and 3 years older than me. Just be nice when you meet him.

Did he star in 'Titanic'?

Yes, I do know that. I have adult children. I'm merely pointing out that a lot of relationships work despite the age gap.

I don’t think you’re wrong to be concerned but I don’t think there is much you can do except watch and wait.

I dated an older man at her age (not 16 years older though, about 10 years older). He didn’t have kids or anything, but it didn’t work out because we were at such different stages of life. I felt he was clipping my wings and I was missing out on normal 20 year old experiences. I don’t think he necessarily always intended to clip my wings, but he did so by virtue of the life stage he was at.

My parents definitely didn’t approve but kept their mouths shut. Looking back, he was a loser who wouldn’t have been attractive to most 30 year old women. But he could impress a 20 year old (temporarily).

I eventually found it all a bit gross. I think some women might get off on that sort of ‘younger woman’ attention but I got the ick.

@loislovesstewie Yes, it’s just that some posters seem to think that parents are unreasonable to even worry about their young adult children… yet on other threads, parents shouldn’t expect their children to behave like adults/be able to make adult decisions until they’re at least 25. 😂

I get why you are concerned. My friend married a man 16 years older . They met when she was 22, she got pregnant at 26 and they married that year. It worked great until it didn’t. He started to slow down in his fifties and she found it hard being with a seemingly old man. It didn’t last.

Ugh gross. You’re not wrong to be suspicious of a 36 year old man dating a 20 year old.

If she started dating my 20 yo son then yes! I’d question why she hadn’t been snapped up already. Is something wrong with her, in addition to preying on my not-even-a-fully-grown adult son.