To think my daughter is too young for her bf?

[CraftyHazelSeal]

My daughter is 20 years old. A few months ago she started dating a man 16 years older than her. Me and DH didn't know about him, we assumed she was dating someone her age. She told us she never felt uncomfortable with him, he never suggested her alcohol and he treats her well. But we're still worried about his intentions. I can't confirm but as she says he's single, never did drugs and his criminal record is clean. She's suggested us to meet with him.

What makes you think he is chasing 20 year old girls. They could just have met when out etc, there is nothing to suggest he chases 20 year old girls as some form of hobby.

edit , Christ even I’m doing it now, 20 year old women. Not girls.

My husband is almost 14 years older than me, we met when I was in my early twenties and he was late thirties with two children and a divorce. We’ve been married 28 years now. 4 children. I was pregnant within 4 weeks of meeting him and understandably my parents were really concerned. They adore him now, I think they like him more than me!!

He's four years off 40 and she's 2 years off 18. Grim as fuck.

why would a 36 year old man be dating a woman who last year was a teen ?!!

I wouldn’t be happy about this either. Difficult to know what to do for the best. You don’t want to drive your daughter away

Left on the shelf, have we time-travelled?
MN is super weird about age gaps. Sometimes people meet and get along despite not being the same age, and it's perfectly normal. I'm older than my husband; it's never been a problem.

Wow what absolutely horrible judgemental comments.
Also really patronising calling a 20yr old adult woman a "girl" just in order to imply something untoward.
My parents met and married at similar ages with a 16yr gap. My lovely dad was just quite shy and reserved and had been caring for his elderly mother. They had 50 very happy years of marriage together filled with love, laughter, respect, wonderful holidays, a happy home and 2 daughters. He sadly died a year ago and she has lost her best friend.

Be supportive of your DD, you don't have any say on who she goes out with. It is a big age gap but my parents have a 17 year age gap and have been happily married for 39 years and together 46 years.

People are questioning this man's intentions but you won't know how you feel about him until you meet him. Does your DD seem older than her years?

I would be biting at the bit to meet him, you will get to know more about him and instinctively be able to judge him a lot better once you have been in his company.

It's not ideal, but as there is nothing you can do to stop her dating him, get to know him.

And he’s 6 years off 30 and she’s ten, so what’s your point, they aren’t those ages. Why post that if they were a different age it would be grim. How odd.

When my brother was late 30’s he was asked ok dates with a girl in the accounts team who turned out to be early 20’s … he quickly found they had very little in common due to their age gap (think it was 14 years from memory but it was while ago), so he cut ties quite quickly. As an addendum, apparently he found out later that she’d been targeting him as he was a high earner which she’d found out from being involved with his private work pay … which she didn’t disclose 😵

If it helps, my husband is 13 years older than me, we've been happily married for 16 years... he had never been married or had children, I had a 2 year old when we got together and have had of our own. I was 23 when we became a couple

20 and 36 is quite predatory imo. It’s just totally different life stages with 20 year olds having barely any life experience and hardly out of full time education.

If she was 25 I would say she's had a few years of adult life behind her it's up to her but she's 20 he's 36 she's barley began adulthood you are absolutely right to have concerns in my opinion what does a 36 year old man possibly have in common with a 20 year old young lady.

A big no from me.

There’s an age gap of 19yr between my exh and his gf now wife
they have been together 22yrs now

Hes 68 she’s 49, she definitely gonna be his carer

this. She is 20 FFS

He is far too old for her. I'm 36 and I wouldn't dream of dating a 20 year old!
30 and 46 or 40 and 56 is still a lot, but at least the playing field is levelled somewhat by life experience.
20 and 36 just feels unfair. She's still a very, very young person and he is approaching middle age!

He might be lovely, and I do hope he makes her very happy, but I think it's pretty selfish of him really.

I’d be very surprised if my DD (20) chose to go out with someone so much older than her and wonder why he’d chosen someone who was legally a child three years ago.

Obviously keep in touch with her and if he seems to be trying to distance her from her friends or take up new opportunities, for example, say something.

I’d secretly hope that it’ll fizzle out but it’s her relationship, not yours.

My parents had a big age gap and had a wonderful marriage. Mum was 18 and my dad was 30 when they met (and a divorced dad of three).

They married when she was 22.

Her parents were not thrilled but to start with but eventually embraced my dad as part of their family. Even though my mum is not longer with us they alway include him in all family events.

I appreciate the OPs concern but it turned out well for me that they met :)

Exactly. Men date women with this kind of age gap bc they can’t get someone their own age and there’s the fact (in blunt terms) it’s a lot younger, firmer (and most likely easily malleable) flesh. It’s easy to see why he’d be interested.

He’ll be treating her well as he’ll be over the moon he gets to have sex with a younger model and his mates will most likely be jealous. She will probably feel special. I’ve always found it weird that younger women feel this way and are totally blind to the fact this person can’t get a woman who’s more mature and experienced in life or doesn’t what one bc they’re more likely to call them out for their faults and not put up with their bullshit behaviour. When she’s older she’ll see it for what it is.

I've pretty much never met a man who, if he can get a 20 year old, would go for a 40 year old. I've met some who say they would, but if opportunity arises, they'd ditch the 40 year old for the 20 faster than they can blink.

There are some, but not many. The ones who don't - simply can't, mostly. Not that they wouldn't want to.

@LuciferTheMorningStar It's interesting, because I don’t think I know many Dads who’d be delighted with that age gap -not when it’s their child who’s the 20-year-old!

Perspectives change, don’t they, when it’s your child. That’s what the OP is struggling with, she doesn’t want her to miss out on her youth.

I’d also be worried. In my experience if those relationships become serious there are two things happen. First, the younger woman is a bit stunted in her emotional growth and life experiences and habitually defers too easily to the older man. Second, as she does grow and mature, and especially if kids come along, she realizes that he’s a massive man child and there’s a reason why he at 36 was mentally in the same place as her at 20. Of course that’s not always the way, but that’s what I’ve seen a couple of times.

I’m not sure how true it is that all men would want to date a younger woman. I think this is maybe true at the same level as all women want to date a six foot tall millionaire. Sure, other things being equal, I’d probably enjoy being treated to all the luxuries of life but it doesn’t follow that all women are gold diggers. Connection and shared values and so on matter more, also for many men.

I would assume that your daughter is probably quite mature for her age and he is quite immature for his age. That’s how it was when I dated someone 10 years older at her age. He was not creepy at all, but by the time I was 25 I had grown and changed mentally while he hadn’t really.

Now that I’m in my 30s I think it’s really weird that he was into me. Anyone under 27 looks like a child to me. Even if they’re really hot, it feels wrong to think about them in that way

It's less than ideal I think .16 years is quite a big lump! Go to meet him with her and be open minded,if you say you disapprove she will probably find him more attractive!

You re worried about his intention? Why? Is she the DD of oligarchs 🤣
You ll be told she's an adult and she can do as she pleases, and that's true.
But feeling uneasy is kinda understandable, but what can you do about. Nothing really.