Honest opinion - what do you think of parents choosing to have one child?

[ConnectThree]

We have a 7 year old DS and no fertility issues that we know of.
We have still chosen to have only one child.
I guess I’m just wondering what other parents think?

I have one child. He's now 16. On the primary school run I experienced a fair bit of judgement. I think some people will just find something to judge though! I have a great relationship with him, he talks to me, brings his friends to meet me and we have openly talked to him about him not having siblings. I don't care what other people think, and my reasons/circumstances are none of their business, but hearing him say he wished he had a sibling was painful. However on occasion, especially after visiting his cousins, he says exactly the opposite!

I am an only child and I do wish I had relations of my generation (siblings or close cousins) to share memories with. However, I have managed to make a couple of close friends (also only children). We didn't grow up together, but I do feel (to some extent) that I can reminisce with them, as their childhood experiences were quite similar to mine.

You're missing the point. Of course a spouse is technically a non blood relative but they weren't referenced in the post I was responding to and I don't think they can be categorised with other non blood relatives in the context of what we are talking about which is where we derive support from as we age. The majority of people's non blood relatives will generally be in laws that simply can't be compared to a spouse. This is why this category is a weird fit for a spouse.

Spouses again are very different category to friends, although we choose both. What we can reasonably expect from a spouse differs greatly from what we can expect from a friend.

Spouses are really in a category of their own. They are life partners. Most of my posts are made in the context of being widowed which happens to a third of women over 60 and half of women over 75.

I don't think I am missing the point, though.

You are comparing in-laws with blood relatives as if that's a meaningful comparison - but it isn't. In-laws are people who are related to you by accident of marriage, they aren't people that you've actively chosen to have in your life, and they haven't actively chosen to be in yours.

A much more meaningful comparison would be friends vs siblings, and for most people I know, friends are a more important source of support.

When my friend plotted to leave her abusive husband, she turned to me and two other friends to help her get away safely. Her three siblings were aware off her plans but they weren't involved.

When another friend needed help advocating for her disabled daughter's education, it was me that helped her write the letters and prepare for all the meetings etc. She didn't even bother talking to her sister about it.

When a third friend needed to look after her dying mother, it was me that had her kids to stay with me for a few days, and not their uncles and aunts.

And since my own mum died and I have had to take on caring duties for my elderly dad, it has been my friends who have stepped up to ensure that I get some respite from time to time. My dsis makes all the right noises but she is too busy to actually do anything.

I understand that some people struggle to make friends, and I can see why siblings would perhaps be more important if you don't have good friends in your life, but I really don't think that's the experience of most people.

I know this is a worry of for some people but honestly people don't just live in a bubble with their siblings. I have two siblings, one a twin and I find this concept that we would just spend time sharing our memories all the time bizarre.

My childhood was more than my siblings and even two people growing up in the same household have different memories and experiences growing up. They have different experiences going to school, playing with friends, parties, activities, university, teenage years etc. As they grow older they'll meet more people, have experiences and memories with them to share.

Yes sibling relationships can be important but as seen in articles and as many people have shared here, they have built other meaningful relationships, get support elsewhere and are far from lonely. Your child will be most likely be absolutely fine.

And I'm sorry to hear that you were widowed. But in that scenario, my friends and my adult daughter would be my primary sources of support - my dsis would no doubt want to help, but she would not in any way be the person to get me through.

No one else's business. I know a lot of people who only have one child. Some by choice, some because of medical issues and could only have one.

Wouldn’t give it a thought. One child families are quite common in London. I’ve heard one friend claim it’s ‘selfish’ but given she was struggling with her three at the time, I think she was just externalising her frustrations on others.

Is it selfish / unfair to have an only child when you don't have much extended family yourself, I wonder? Especially if you are an older parent.

Not expressing an opinion, just asking for thoughts please.

@Strawberriesandpears if the projection is correct that in a few years only children will make up 50% of families, and there are a number of people that don’t have children, the lack of extended family is going to become more normal.

I think it is important that families have the social skills to build a bigger network, not just restricted to family

I agree.....I have 2 DDs and both say they couldn't/wouldn't want to imagine not having each other but equally I've often found that 'only' children make more effort with friendships and as a result are often more gregarious and outgoing

You do you. I had 3, my youngest has one….will never have another…and my other 2 have none of their own, only step children. That won’t change.

This, who cares how many children someone has?

I think nothing of it. Do what you like

No, it's neither.

Dh is an only and going through parents death/caring for parent now. As his spouse, I get relied on a lot too. Holidays are tricky because there’s no one else to give us a break. When Fil died, my siblings stepped up and helped with various things including funeral logistics.
I still don’t have any thoughts around anyone having an only. Things are just how they are and it’s just a fact that things are harder without siblings that you get on with.

Nothing 🤔

No, again this is almost wilful misinterpretation. I made a statement that blood is thicker than water and most people prioritise family over friends. Someone then said the phrase was offensive (it isn't!) and asked about non blood relatives and what that phrase meant for them. I stated that generally, for most people, these relatives would be in laws and generally they wouldn't necessarily be considered as family in the same way that most people view their blood family.

You then started referencing spouses as non blood relatives which they technically are but obviously are more life partners and in a category of their own.

So basically I agree with you that in laws are irrelevant to all of this.

My initial point was to compare siblings with friends before others muddied the water. My experience runs counter to your experience. Friends can loom large in people's lives at various points in time but siblings are a more consistent source of support and more likely to be there at the end. Of course this won't be true for everyone and some people have poor relationships with their sibling but my point is on a thread like this is that an only child doesn't have the opportunity for this at all. They must rely heavily on friends or a spouse (hoping they survive), especially if they don't have children themselves. It's just a risk to consider. Nothing is guaranteed.

But nothing is guaranteed with siblings either? Siblings may also die. Or they get dementia. Or they move abroad. Or they go NC. Or they may just be indifferent.

The good thing about friends is that a) you have chosen them and b) you can have as many of them as you like. You can even make new ones if the old ones fade away.

Your statement that blood is thicker than water doesn't stack up because you yourself have agreed that some non-blood relationships are every bit as strong as blood ones. It seems that you haven't had friends who fall into that category yourself, but many of us have, and I simply don't agree with your assessment that most people rely more on their siblings than on their friends. That simply doesn't align with what I've seen.

@Bargepole45 you see a number of threads where one sibling has to/is expected to look after another one, especially after the parents have died (and the sibling without health conditions would have had to deal with elderly parents on their own too)

Other threads where the lives of siblings can be seriously impaired by the behaviour of another sibling.

Many threads where one sibling is pretty much left to it when caring for elderly parents

I wonder if the scenario of all siblings living in perfect harmony throughout their life is what happens in most families. I’m not sure it is in my circle of friends/relatives

Not in mine.

I get on fine with my dsis and I do speak to her quite often, but she wouldn't be my go-to in a crisis, and I don't imagine I would be that for her - though I would help her if she needed it. I do have some resentment about the fact that our dad's care has fallen solely to me with no support.

My DH had five siblings and was only close to one of them, who died from cancer when still quite young. He does support the 1 remaining sibling who is still alive, but she is not in a position to offer him any support in return.

My closest friend is NC with two of her siblings following their terrible behaviour when they lost one of their parents. Her relationship with her third sibling is very strained.

Another good friend has contact with her sibling but finds it terribly stressful. The sibling certainly isn't a source of support.

An old friend of from uni is still battling a lifelong eating disorder as a result of having been sexually abused by her disabled brother and disbelieved by her parents when she told them.

My father got on ok with his siblings when he saw them at family weddings and funerals but never thought to contact them or see them in between.

My mum was close to her brother, but had a much more fraught relationship with her sister.

One of my colleagues has had a massive falling out with his siblings over inheritance issues.

Of course, I know people who are super close to their siblings - my dd's bf's mum is extremely close to her sister, for example. But I know far more people with complicated relationships with siblings and more who barely have any contact with them than I know siblings who are super close and heavily involved in each other's lives.

I have one, and the main reason is my daughter totally fulfilled my desire to be a mother. I don´t nee anyone else.
I would think, why the hell did she do that to herself ten times? (an influencer in Spain who has 10 kids), but I stress the word "think", I would never ever say anything to somebody about their choice of family.

Five minutes in the company of my eldest sibling is enough to set my teeth on edge. The thought of us living in harmony, sharing memories or being any sort of companionship makes me want to gouge my eyeballs out.

Yes of course good sibling relationships are beneficial but I don't think they can be argued they'll be a constant throughout your life once friend's and spouses pass away. Your sibling is just as likely to pass away before you reach old age. Nothing is a given.

Very true. I, for the most part, get on well with my siblings and I speak to them on the phone two or three times a week. But spending time in person with them is another matter! One is more like me and appreciates his own space, but the other one has no boundaries and no sense of personal space. One day is my limit with that one! After that, I need a break