Honest opinion - what do you think of parents choosing to have one child?

[ConnectThree]

We have a 7 year old DS and no fertility issues that we know of.
We have still chosen to have only one child.
I guess I’m just wondering what other parents think?

The only person who can make you feel that way is yourself. We all pay taxes, we all pay into the pot. I'm not sure why you think you'd be any less deserving of it.

There may be a certain lonlieness for some people from not having family but it is not the be and end all. All the older people I have referred onto to befriending services etc have all had families and children. Everyone has busy lives these day and most peoples children will have jobs and their own families and with the best will in the world, can't possibly provide the level of support and company to alleviate a person's lonlieness.

That's why friendships and community are so important. It is this lack of connection which usually drives lonlieness.

I'm slightly gobsmacked by your inability to see it is offensive. What about adopted children? Not blood related so less important? Are they not equal family? This is why it is offensive.

I know very few people who would say that they're closer to their siblings than their friends, and I'm surprised that you think this is the norm.

I get on well with my dsis overall, but it is my friends who I would turn to in a crisis.

Wouldn't occur to me to think about it, but if the subject arises, I think of my nephew who's an only child and also one of my favorite people. So I would think, oh I bet they have a lovely child!

If you look at it through the very narrow lens of adoption then of course it's offensive if used pointedly in that context. When it is used more widely then it isn't. Considering around 0.002% of children are adopted each year this isn't really a common issue or one that comes front of mind when using this phrase. The wider meaner is obvious and it's also obvious it's not a slight at adopted children.

Surveys frequently show that most people agree that family comes first and they would seek advice from family first. The emphasis on family generally increases as people age. Of course this won't be universally true but evidence suggest it is generally that way for most people.

I think a lot of people tend to rely on their parents for support when younger, and on their children when older, but I haven't seen many examples in my life of people depending on their siblings more than they depend on their friends.

Perhaps it is more common amongst people who tend to stay living in the same communities as the ones that they grew up in, and where extended families live close to each other etc. I think it's much less common amongst people who have moved away for uni/work etc.

I'm very surprised by your claim that most people are closer to their siblings than their spouses. Do you seriously believe this?

Wow. The ignorance.

The thing is about surveys. You can Google anything to fit your point of view. I found plenty that said people prioritise friends as they get older. Which is of course subjective as its different for everyone.

I don't believe for a second though that people prioritise their siblings over their husbands and wives or are closer to them. I can't imagine many people willingly staying in marriages if that wad the case.

That's certainly my experience, and, thinking of my friends in general, I would say that the ones who are closer to their siblings than their friends are a minority.

I was curious, so I took the liberty of doing a very unscientific little survey of my own.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5502681-are-you-closer-to-your-siblings-or-your-spousepartner?reply=151051643

And I see the responses have gone how I thought!

Unsurprisingly.

Tbh, I'm pretty bemused that anyone might think otherwise. I mean, I do of course understand that some people will be trapped in unhappy marriages or relationships and will therefore have a stronger bond with their siblings than with a partner/spouse, but it's an enormous leap from that scenario to the assumption that most people feel closer to their siblings than they do to the people that they've chosen to spend their lives with. It's a rather sad outlook on life, really.

Who has suggested that people are genuinely closer to their siblings than their spouse? I haven't seen a single suggestion of this on this thread. Why on earth would you start a poll to try and disprove an argument that hasn't been made?

Most people view their spouse as part of their family unit. It would be very unusual if you didn't.

How is it ignorant? Even if you Google if the phrase is offensive it implies that it can be offensive only because it places an unfair burden on blood ties. Your take of it being some weird jobs about adopted people is really niche. Of course people don't mean it in that context.

I thought you did, but maybe I misread. Or perhaps it was someone else.

Regardless, you have repeatedly insisted that people are closest to their blood relatives. Are you now saying that this isn't the case after all?

'One and done' and 'child free by choice' is extremely common now. It has more or less become the norm. It is certainly unremarkable to have one child.

People have far more judgement/comments on big families in my experience, as that is unusual nowadays.

Nobody has said this! You have definitely misinterpreted what I suggested and just assumed that I was making an argument you would like to argue against.

The blood relative point was in response to suggestions about other relatives, not your spouse who really is in a completely different category. Not many people would refer to them as a non blood relative. That would be super weird! I think people automatically think of in laws when they hear the term.

Only just found this thread and wanted to say thank you for saying this. We only have one as I was 40 when I had him. We were in an insecure rental house and not really allowed to have kids but if I hadn't have had him when I did, I would never have had any. So thank god it happened when it did! I could never have another as I was knackered .. we had no help and we couldn't afford it.

Of course a spouse is a non blood relative. Unless you've married a cousin or something?

If you're talking about in-laws, I don't see the relevance to this thread? Surely the point that people have been making is that they're closer to people who they have chosen to have in their lives than they are to their siblings - in other words, spouse/partner and friends. People don't usually choose their in-laws so they aren't really relevant to the discussion, though of course, some people will develop close relationships with in-laws if they're lucky enough to hit it off with them.

I'd say (if I gave it ant thought at all) that they're very sensible.

One's better than none 🤷‍♂️

If they say nothing about it, then I have no opinions, really. Because I enjoy having more than one I might think in passing that they’re missing out on some fun, but generally I think it’s none of my business

Well if Google says it, it must be so.

This is my biggest fear as a parent of an only not by choice. I worry and worry about him and who will he have to share memories of growing up with? This is why i wish i could have had another 😢