Honest opinion - what do you think of parents choosing to have one child?

[ConnectThree]

We have a 7 year old DS and no fertility issues that we know of.
We have still chosen to have only one child.
I guess I’m just wondering what other parents think?

I'm an only and had to deal with my mum's funeral, bank accounts, clearing her stuff, etc. I had some of her lovely friends to help me, and my DH. That's not a good enough reason to have more than one child. Being an only might have some disadvantages but they are balanced in other ways - I have learnt resilience and the ability to fend for myself.

Nothing

I don't think anything, it's not like two is a default and you have to justify not having another. There is no default (well I suppose none is the default technically). You have one child, that's just a fact and there's no judgment to be had in either direction with it.

I suppose if really pushed though, and someone had chosen to stop at one for whatever reason, I'd think good for them, they're clearly a great parent to be thinking carefully about what's best for them and their family, sticking with what they can manage. I know lots of children who don't have siblings and it's a wonderful way to grow up, lots of parental attention, more resources, they are often able to do more extracurriculars because their parents can ferry them around more and spend more on that stuff. Most of the adult only children I know have amazing relationships with their parents and are so close. I have more respect for people that decide to stop than I do for people who steamroll into a second without much thought and then complain they've bitten off more than they can chew.

I find your stance odd. The vast majority of people will be relying on family as their main support network when they are elderly. This doesn't mean you forgo all other relationships and don't try to build a wider network but I don't know what you are expecting from friends of elderly people? My grandma has lots of friends but they are often elderly themselves and have their own struggles and issues. They also have their own families that ultimately they will prioritise over my grandma. Blood is thicker than water for most people.

Even now as younger woman, I know that I can rely on my siblings in a way that I can't my friends. I love my friends and would do a lot for them but I would do more for my siblings. I don't think I'm unusual. I would never for example leave money in my will to my friend's children that I like very much but I would my nieces and nephews.

I understand you're trying to reassure people that have only one child that those children are not destined to a terrible, lonely existence as they age. Of course they are not, but I do think siblings are a protective factor and this should be acknowledged. No guarantees and no promises but siblings can be an important feature in people's lives and by having one child you are denying your child that opportunity. There will be other positives though that your child will have from being an only child such an intensity of focus and resource that those with siblings don't enjoy. It's swings and roundabouts.

I'm one of four and had to deal with everything when my mum died alone, because I'm estranged from my siblings. I was only 22. I was totally fine, as I had a partner, amazing best friends, and tonnes of support. Family is what you make of it imo :)

What an offence post. 'Blood is thicker than water?'. I thought most people knew not to use that phrase these days.

I'm not planning on having any child of mine do the caring of me when I'm old, it is not what children are for. I want to be cared about not cared for. I will happily pay for care or not have it at all rather than rely on an adult child trying to juggle their own family and work etc.

I agree, and it's certainly what I have observed in my own family (although I appreciate that other families are different).

I personally find it quite hard being the only only child in my family. All of my relatives (parents, aunties, uncles, cousins have siblings whom they have a good relationship with and they provide support to one another). It can feel really scary and like standing on a cliff edge knowing that that kind of relationship isn't there for me.

I've tried to build friendships as best I can though and I think we will support one another as we age. I would like more of these kind of friendships (especially with people in a similar situation to myself), but they can be hard to find.

If your children care about you, I don't think they'll be prepared to sit back and watch you not have any care.

I'm usually pretty curious about it, though I'd never mention anything. Most parents I know don't discuss their family planning decisions so I have no idea whether having one is out of choice or preference, but I'm nosy and wonder what influenced their choice. Our DCs are at private school so I suppose some will have chosen to have one as a way of ensuring that was affordable and quite a few parents are older so it might not have been biologically possible to have more. It's just a general musing of what makes people tick rather than a judgement, and something that seems normal to think about.

Personally I am nc with my parents and siblings and have no intention of providing any support or help to them in future, so the idea of having multiple dcs to guarantee that doesn't make sense to me.

As a one-child parent myself,I find that it's none of my business and I wish that many people(and not just family) had kept to their own business on the matter while she was growing up.
Hang on though...even though I'm nearly 70 the subject is STILL coming up;someone tried to tell me the other day that I would have fewer grandchildren as a result-a totally unsolicited comment again,as usual🙄

@Strawberriesandpears there are many siblings who are quite happy to sit back and watch another sibling take on the caring role. And those siblings will say they care about their parents. I suppose it would be interesting to see what would happen in those circumstances if no sibling stepped up. But we didn't have DC so they could look after us in old age.

That doesn't mean they do the caring!

What do you find offensive about the phrase? It's simply another way of saying family comes first and Yougov polls suggest up to 90% of us agree with that sentiment.

You can't choose to forgo care and you may find that you can't pay for the type of care you want in the way you envisage. One of my relatives has a lot of paid care but still needs family to advocate for them and undertake specific tasks. It's complex.

I've been through it, I'm fully aware what's involved.

Most people know it is offensive as many , many people have family members they are not related through blood to. I am rather surprised that that hasn't occurred to you and rather taken aback at you quoting You gov at me.

I once had a friend of a friend (gay, very wealthy, in his 60s, at that stage with toddler twins by surrogate) ask me whether I “only” had one.

Well, Dave, we don’t all think it’s ethical to rent a woman’s womb to produce our kids for us and some of us can’t afford and, again, don’t want to use the labour of other women to raise our kids (this was at a party where he’d brought his nanny to mind the twins).

If you but knew it, it’s actually really hard work, so I’ll stick at one, thanks.

You can't choose to forgo care and you may find that you can't pay for the type of care you want in the way you envisage. One of my relatives has a lot of paid care but still needs family to advocate for them and undertake specific tasks. It's complex.

Which raises the question, what are those of us with no family at all supposed to do? Just suffer I guess. It's very sad and worrying.

That isn't quite the case though. Happens slower than it often should, granted, but hospitals/doctors etc can deem someone unfit to be home alone and then it falls to social services to organise either incoming or residential care.

I hope so. And I plan to live in a retirement village when I am older which offers different level of care, as well as respite care after a period of illness / surgery etc.

Yes, almost everyone will have family members not related to them through blood. I still think most people prioritise blood relations. I think in most cases we feel closer to our siblings than their husband or wife for example even though they are technically related too. I'm not suggesting it's always the case but I don't think it'san offensive phrase or suggestion as you seem to suggest it is. In the same was that it isn't offensive to suggest that friends are actually more important because they're your 'chosen' family. It's all opinion and subjective. You don't need to shut it all down under the guise it's offensive.

Wise.

I think society will need to adapt to a world where this scenario is more common. Like it or not, there is a significant presumption built into the system at the moment that we generally do have family that will get involved to some extent with our care as we age. I have experienced this first hand with relatives that would have been left in absolutely terrible circumstances without family intervening.

I do think how we are going to fund and resource all of this does need to be considered though. It's the ying to the yang in many ways. Lots of people my age and my parents age have caring responsibility for their children and grandchildren. Of course it isn't always the case but often this is reciprocated when people get old themselves and need care. Having no kids is a brilliant way of avoiding caring responsibilities for younger family members but this may make the poor of people available to care for you as you age smaller. Nobody has any guarantees no matter what we choose but my experience is that those with a bigger family network have more options.

I really hope so. At the moment, I feel very much like I don't 'deserve' care when I am older. I haven't been able to have children (I would like them) and with no extended family to direct any of my love or care to, it does seem like I am destined for a very lonely and sad old age.

Hopefully things will change, but I am not sure how.

What about my stance is odd? I literally said in my post I wasn't denying the positives of a good sibling relationship or that people rely on their family. I work in Older adult social work. I assess for care. I'm aware of people's support networks.

My point is that there are many people who don't have good sibling relationships and who rely on their friends more and these relationships can just be as meaningful and more supportive. This is clearly not your experience but it is mine and just as valid. And the experience of many people I come across both professionally and personally. My MIL is poa for her best friend. My mum cared for her neighbour in the absence of closer children. I've seen people have support that isn't family.

Of course having a good sibling relationship and family is a good thing and people will tend to rely on those if they have them. I wasn't saying it wasn't. But for those that don't, they can have just good support elsewhere. This isn't having an odd stance, it's stating a fact.

And the thing with quoting studies is you can literally find any article or study to fit your point of view. Here's articles here saying people rely on friends more as they get older.

https://siliconcanals.com/m-bt-why-friendships-become-more-important-than-family-the-older-you-get/

And if we want to be really pedantic the actual phrase is The original phrase is believed to be: “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” And that? It means the relationships you choose—the ones sealed by intention, loyalty, shared hardship—are deeper than the ones you inherit.

That's a good article - thank you.

I am currently listening to videos on a YouTube channel called The Navigating Solo Network and it does provide some good (real life) examples of how important friendships are as we age.