Honest opinion - what do you think of parents choosing to have one child?

[ConnectThree]

We have a 7 year old DS and no fertility issues that we know of.
We have still chosen to have only one child.
I guess I’m just wondering what other parents think?

Currently 44% of families have an only child in UK whereas about 40% have 2 children. It is thought that in a few years time it will be nearer 50% for one child families

Sane.

I don't really think about it.

Honestly I don't feel sad about it! They are both miserable useless arseholes and I have plenty other people in my life who make up for it!

I believe we can't help what life hands us but how we respond to it that's the main thing.

Research shows 30 - 40% of children suffer sibling bullying. Upto 20% suffer intense frequent bullying that can lead to mental health issues. Having a sibling isn’t always wonderful experience

I agree with you, I have one child and the comments I've had about it being "cruel" etc. but I know plenty of people who specifically said they didn't want to have an only child for that reason, then had them 10 years apart so its like they have had 2 only children. My daughter has said she would like a sibling (which is definitely not going to happen) but I don't think siblings always get along anyway, as children or adults.

Never thought about it nor was one to ask anyone if they were having another after they had a first. I’m also not expecting or hoping for grandchildren and not fussed if it does or doesn’t happen.

I have a sibling and we are night and day, the only thing we have in common is blood and that we both agree our parents are crazy, that is about it. We are not close at all.

I think it is up to the individual however having had to deal with losing parents/clearing & selling a house, and all that comes with that, I couldn’t have survived any of it without my sister. If I’d have had to do that on my own it would have been so so so much harder. It has made me glad that I was lucky enough to be able to have 2 children so they have each other when my time comes. However I do know that having a sibling doesn’t automatically mean you have that support, who knows what relationship siblings will have once they become adults. But for me I was so glad to have my sister and she feels the same .

Us only children do have other people in our lives though. DH will help me when the time comes and I will do the same for him. In fact I think it will help me to have someone less emotional about the whole process involved.

Why are you writing this OP? Do you get comments all the time about only having 1 child?
We’re a one and done family and love it, we give our DD the best life, we have 2 dogs which are harder work. Don’t listen to anyone!

I think they've got their heads screwed on. Very sensible decision for many reasons, particularly environmentally and financially.

Honestly, when I was younger and when we had our 2 I was of the judgemental of those who stuck at one thinking it was a bit sad for the child only having 1 (not that I would ever have said that to anyone though!)

However, I no longer think that at all and completely understand why people stick at 1. Firstly, my eldest would have happily be an only child, his sibling causes him nothing but grief, do not assume siblings will be great friends! Secondly, I’ve now realised just how important parental time and money is, having the time to really spend with your child (and the more money you have the more enriching a childhood) every child you have the more those resources reduce, so I completely understand now wanting to give the best. Also, don’t assume kids need you less as they get older, they need you differently but still a lot!

So yeah, I totally get it now.

Sometimes life doesn't go to plan. I hoped to have 2 children but since having my DD, my relationship has broken down and we're no longer together. Unless I meet someone, settle down and have a baby in the next year or 2 (which i feel is not very realistic), I would be in my late 30's probably before I'd be in a position to have another and that's not something I'm sure I want. Whatever the reason people only have 1, I can't see why it matters to anyone else

@Ninerainbows my DH has been my rock whilst dealing with elderly parents and bereavement. My sibling has been totally absent

I think this is it. Now I'm not dismissing the experience of some only children who feel the loneliness or would have felt a sibling beneficial when dealing with older parents. But people on here speaking about only children being "all alone" and "lonely" as if they are incapable of building any other meaningful relationships in their lives and that having a sibling is your only means of support and defence against loneliness which is just simply isn't true.

I work in elderly social care and have worked with many many families, many who have only children. I can't think of any situation where the only child hasn't had support on some level. Many will have partners, grown up children themselves, extended family, friends, community groups and neighbours who will help out.

Again I'm not dismissing that for some of them they might have felt having a sibling would have eased the burden but I see many people who have siblings themselves shouldering the burden themselves. But for many only children, the idea they are simply all alone simply isn't true.

What happens when an only child is elderly though if they haven't managed to have children of their own, and don't have nieces or nephews through marriage or other extended family? Do they do OK? I am not saying they don't - just wondering.

@Strawberriesandpears what do any elderly people do if they don’t have children? If you are elderly and need care/support not sure how another elderly person ie your sibling is going to be much help. I also wouldn’t expect nephews and nieces to step up to help. Our DC is the only grandchild on DH’s side of the family. I wouldn’t expect him to be responsible for all elderly relatives.

School friend of mine had 2 siblings, she and one of her siblings both died in 40s/50s. None of the siblings had children. Having siblings doesn’t guarantee you having someone to support you in your dotage.

Yes of course. My mum provided support to an elderly neighbour who's daughter lived abroad. They have support from neighbours, friends, community groups and professionals. It isn't half the catastrophe you make it out on other threads I've read.

As mentioned above, I think being an only child is completely irrelevant to being older. It's no different than the many vast other people who don't have children. Any sibling you have, is probably going to be older themselves and nieces and nephews will no doubt have their own families, in-laws and parents. Most cases I've come across it's been absolute minimal rhe support they offer.

Exactly. I live miles away from my aunties and uncles. There's no way I would be able to support them when they need it. From my professional experience, even those that are close to their auntie and uncle, the support they can realistically offer is very very minimal. They have jobs, their own parents, in-laws and families which all come first.

My siblings don't have children. They've offered me absolutely no support whatsoever so it'll be a cold day in hell before my children offer them support when they are older.

Of course being an only child isn't completely irrelevant to getting older. Almost all the elderly people I know are in contact with their siblings still and have very important relationships with them if they're still alive. As their social circles have diminished over time and some have become widowed, they have gone on to rely more on sibling relationships not less. They have aged together but provide each other important support socially and emotionally. Nieces and nephews are a bit of a mixed picture but I definitely know if a few scenarios where they have supported their Aunts and Uncles in important ways.

I do think having children yourself is probably even more important than having siblings but it all matters as our lives generally get smaller as we age and we fall back on family relationships to support us in so many ways.

There are no guarantees with siblings or children and you may still end up lonely and isolated when you're elderly but having a larger family network is a protecting factor. Studies have shown that a warn sibling relationships are linked to lower levels of loneliness.
https://www.researchgate.net/publication/335194522_Sibling_relationships_in_older_adulthood_Links_with_loneliness_and_well-being

@Bargepole45 many people nowadays don’t live near extended family, so even if you have a close family relationship, practically might not be that helpful if you live either ends of the country.

I don't deny that sibling relationships can be beneficial but it isn't true that being an only child automatically means you're going to be without support, or without a network or meaningful relationships and support when you're older.

Yes it can be a protective network but nobody should be relying on their family as their main network. I work with many older people and it's absolutely important for their own wellbeing that they have friends and community. Yes life can get smaller as they get older which is why it's important you don't just rely on your siblings. Siblings die as you get older and more and more people now live many miles from their siblings. The vast majority of people i know don't live close to their siblings and have built lives of their own.

Again I'm not denying the benefits of sibling relationships if you have good ones. Mine certainly aren't a protective factor. But this thread has been about only children and I wanted to give reassurance to those that are or have only children that it is certainly not all doom and gloom as they or their parents get older.

I think you have chosen to have one child, that is literally as deep as it goes.

I have a million and one stresses, worries and things to think about in my own life, I couldn't care less about someone else's decision that affects me in absolutely no way shape or form.

This hasn't really been my experience. My elderly father had minimal contact with his two surviving siblings even after my mum died. There were no big fallings out or anything - they liked each other. They just weren't significant parts of each other's lives. All of his siblings are dead now, which is sad, but honestly, it makes no real difference to him on a daily basis.

Of course, there is a lot of variation. My mum remained close to her brother until the very end, but I don't think it's a given.

I do support an elderly aunt who has no children of her own, but realistically, what I can do for her is very limited because I also have to care for my dad.

Ageing is hard no matter what your situation is. Having children with whom you have a good relationship is probably the strongest protective factor, but even then, there are no guarantees. Siblings may grow apart, be scattered around the globe, die young, suffer from dementia and not recognise you etc. I certainly don't see my sister as any sort of insurance policy to keep me company in my old age, and I very much doubt that she sees me like that either. Having a good, local network of friends probably makes a much bigger difference from what I've observed.

As a childless only child, the only thing that annoys me is the pressure. I've never felt the lack of sibling relationships or playmates, I always had a lot of friends and wasn't spoiled. The pressure is the only downside.

As an adult, my DM is disappointed she'll not have grandchildren, that I don't live close by etc. Obviously even with 2 or more you can't guarantee these sorts of thing, but you're increasing your chances of e.g. having grandchildren, having children who live near you, who have the kind of life you want for them etc. So I only judge parents of only children if they are helping a lot of expectations onto this one child. Though I guess the same would be true of parents of more children who could do the same thing, but I think it can be especially intense for onlies.