Honest opinion - what do you think of parents choosing to have one child?

[ConnectThree]

We have a 7 year old DS and no fertility issues that we know of.
We have still chosen to have only one child.
I guess I’m just wondering what other parents think?

Well what you think is a load of rubbish, are you actually serious.

I think it’s more just plain stupid, and weirdly nosy in that it’s trying to find arcane reasons for a perfectly ordinary decision.

I mean, it’s like watching someone walk down the road in jeans and a T-shirt and twitching your nets and thinking ‘Hmm — I wonder why she didn’t wear a skirt or dress? Could it be that she’s too poor to own any? That she gets chub rub in warm weather? That she’s ill at ease with her own femininity? That she has scarring on her legs?’

And it's interesting that 'only wanting one' wasn't even a potential reason for this poster!

Quite frankly, I'm more than happy with my decision to have one.

It never occurred to me to have more than one. Having more seems like quite an eccentric decision to me, but I don’t bustle about speculating on why people might have decided to do it. I assume they just wanted to.

likewise @Untalkative

I wouldn’t even notice, I have very little interest in other people’s lives. I don’t mean to be rude and I’m not being an arsehole, I just don’t care about why they made the choices they did. I want everyone to be happy with their lives, it’s just none of my business how they do that.

None of our business. What have we got to have an opinion.

Why would anyone judge people who choose to have just one child?

I asmit to wondering why anyone would choose to have 6 though.

I am an adult only child and I do (unfortunately) agree and relate to the concerns you have for your daughter.

Of course siblings are no guarantee of a close relationship (especially in adulthood) but like you, amongst friends and wider family I do generally observe supportive relationships.

I am thinking of an aunty for example. She has four sisters. When one of those sisters was diagnosed with cancer in her 50s, the other sisters rallied round and took great care of her. The sister with cancer is single and would otherwise have been quite alone, I think.

I think only children can be quite resilient however. I would love a close in-built support network, but I know that isn't possible, so I work hard at trying to be a good friend and hopefully someone people value and appreciate the company and support of.

Also (not a given I know) but only children are sometimes better off financially (through not sharing inheritance etc) so are better places to be able to afford professional support services.

Nieces and nephews, yes unfortunately we miss out on them (unless through marriage). However I am not sure non-blood related nieces and nephews are quite the same.

If I had my life again and could choose my family set up, I'd like one or two sisters who I'd have a close relationship with. But of course we can't choose and we have to make the best of what we have - which I am sure your daughter will do too.

People are weirdly defensive on this thread.

Personally I would hate to have been an only child myself so this informs my desire to have more than one child. I want my children to experience the positives that I have from having siblings. I can understand those that don't have good relations with their siblings sticking with one. I do slightly judge those who are very close to their siblings themselves and clearly derive a lot of joy and support from having them then choosing to have only one child themselves for quite selfish reasons. Ultimately though I don't give much thought to it so realistically the most accurate answer is that I don't really care about other people's fertility choices unless I think the children lose out somehow or I think the parents can't support the children they choose to have.

Who do you think has been defensive?

Why do you care what others think about this? Get a grip

Everyone that's jumped on the poster that expressed their honest opinion about parents that have only children when the OP literally asked for honest opinions. Stating that they are delighted with their choice (nobody asked), that having more than one is an 'eccentric' decision despite this being the most common family structure and calling the poster's opinion 'rubbish'.

I would call all of that defensive.

I'm not remotely 'defensive'. It genuinely never occurred to me to have more than one child. I genuinely find having two or more children quite an eccentric decision, and it puzzles me that this is so common. Still, I manage to go through my daily life not quizzing parents of more than one about this, unlike the parents of multiple children who have frequently felt the need to unburden themselves of their opinions about 'lonely onlies' and 'selfishness'.

However I am not sure non-blood related nieces and nephews are quite the same.

This is such nonsense. Of course they are. One of my aunties, is married to my parents sibling. She has no blood nieces and nephews but I am very much her niece and a very close relationship with her and have done for over 30 years. I would be appalled if she thought less of me. My parents don't differentiate between nieces and nephew and I have nieces through my husbands side who I love very much.

Of course there are lonely only children, but equally there are people with siblings who experience loneliness. Siblings aren't some guarantee of a built in support system and in many cases as I see in my own job, are the cause of family stress and breakdown. I think there's some naivety among only children that if they had siblings, they wouldn't need to rely on anyone else which just isn't true. The nuclear family can't provide every we need. Siblings move away or have their own lives and it would be massively unfair to make one or two people responsible for being your entire support system. We all need friends and community.

This thread has shown that it's not the problem with only children or their parents but with people's outdated judgments about them. No one should have to defend or explain why they choose to have as much children they have. There's been similar threads on large families where people have commented they hated growing up in them and hated the lack of 1:1 time with parents and in many cases, they chose to have one child. It just shows no family size is perfect or better.

I always find it strange on threads like this, people arguing about a bunch of hypothetical situations. Absolutely nothing in life is guaranteed. Having an only child doesn't mean they are destined to a life of loneliness. Having more than one child doesn't mean they'll be a built in support for one another (it certainly isn't in my case). And as I've seen in my work in elderly social work, it really is 50/50 on whether siblings will support or not with this. I think the most important thing when planning your family is to have the amount of children you want and feel you can cope with whether it be one or five.

Of course as I've said some only children feel loneliness but so do people with siblings. And the research overwhelmingly points out to the fact only children turn out perfectly fine and are not less lonely than those with siblings.

I have a friend who was an only who is quite pushy about the fact I'm having one. She had older parents and was quite obsessed by the idea of having a sibling (she told me she fantasised about a secret sister).

But then I tend to judge her back because no she has two (with a horrible useless husband), she just takes the girl away on mini me breaks with her all the time and never her son.

I also tend to judge people with two under two. Unless they're twins, we're supposed to have a gap between kids to rear them properly and for our bodies to recover. Having 2 under 2 is a selfish act, IMO.

Judgement is natural, it's how we navigate the world as a social species. I don't believe all the po-faced non-judgers on this thread.

But if it's the norm then by definition it's not eccentric. It is completely conventional and not at all what society would deem to be strange. I think what you're trying to say is that you see it as such an inferior option that you can't get your head around why so many people choose to have two when they could stick with one? That's fine and there will probably be reasoning behind this opinion that some may find offensive but so what? We don't need to be completely fair minded or kind with the rationale we use to make life changing decisions around our fertility. Some believe one child will be lonely and will lose out. This is a logical and reasonable opinion even if you disagree. Alternatively believing one is better as they get more parental attention and resources is valid. I have two and can see there are pros and cons.

To be honest I think you protest too much and I struggle to believe that having another child didn't occur to you even if you discounted it pretty quickly. I have two kids but it of course occured to me that I could have none, one or any other number of children.

I said I am 'not sure'. This means I acknowledge that I don't know for definite. I don't have any nieces or nephews at all, hence why I don't know.

Please don't call only children 'naive' though. We could equally say there is naivety amongst those with siblings. They might not appreciate some of the existential loneliness that can come with being an only child. This is a different feeling that being surrounded by friends doesn't necessarily solve.

I do certainly agree that the nuclear family can't provide every we need though.

This again. I am the only of an only and I just have one. Can't see anything wrong with it but people are very judgey and critical

Not my business, but to be honest, I’ve never given it any thought. Same as not my business if a couple choose to remain childless (I mean choose here, not because, sadly, they can’t have a child).

Please don't tell me what I'm trying to say. I'm saying precisely what I said, that having more than one child seems an eccentric decision. Do I really need to spell it out? You want a child, you have a child. You know what it's like being a parent. You've done that, you're having that experience, you made a person. You have a child you're bringing up, and who is bringing richness and difficulties and interest and love to your life as it grows. Why do it again with a different child?

I don't dismiss only child's feelings or experiences because it's not mine to talk about. Of course some might feel loneliness at not having siblings, I'm not denying that. But there is some naivety to think if you had siblings you would automatically be cured of an existential loneliness or have this in-built support system. I'm speaking of my own experiences. My own two siblings don't provide me with any support whatsoever and they don't even know my children. There certainly won't be any reunion in the future or shared memories. So they haven't provided any of the benefits a sibling should.

And in my line of work, this is a very common scenario. People with siblings just as equally can face lack of support and feelings of loneliness that can be existential. It isn't something unique to only children. It can be a very lonely place knowing you have siblings out there who really don't give two shits about you and never well.

Occasionally envious, if anything!

I understand. It's sad when life works out like that. I guess the only thing I'd say is that at least with siblings you get a chance of the benefits. Without, you don't get that chance.

Its everyone's ik